Is filing for divorce too much over one incident?

[sandybeach2025]

We have been married for (timeframe removed by Moderator) years with ups and downs. We had a lot of fights at the start, and I perceived them as conflicts which we worked on. He appeared as a kind not a mean type of person before we got married, but after I agreed to married him there were a few arguments over trivial things which I thought were normal before getting married.
Both he and I told each other about things we didn’t like and to some extent made efforts to fix issues. When he picked on things he didn’t like about me I would propose to end the relationship if he is not happy with me. He stopped. I started to close my eyes on his habits I didn’t like or approved of. We have a child together and he has a teenager from the previous marriage. He had a habit of ordering me around in front of his older son and we had fights because of that, I did tell him to stop, and it seemed to work. Over the years he has demonstrated elements of passive aggressive behaviour or defensive-aggressive reactions or mood swings, but none was a long lasting one and he was able to partially modify his behaviour after I explicitly had to tell him to stop doing something. However, perhaps, this is something I wanted to see.
In the last (timeframe removed by Moderator) months he picked up a routine of yelling at me for trivial things showing inadequate, unpredictable, aggressive reactions. He started to perceive anything I say as criticism and provide defensive-aggressive response. I was yelled for not cleaning the house before he came back from a work trip because he thinks it takes five minutes; for not cleaning around the toilet where he suddenly spotted wee on the floor when he came back home. I told him if he wants the kitchen or the house to be sorted when he comes back (timeframe removed by Moderator) from a work trip, he should call a cleaner and not speak to me as if I am a servant who sits around all day.

I am a full-time working professional who contributes more than half of the family budget. On top of full-time job, I am a full-time mother. Since the child was born (the child is in school now) he did not spend one evening bathing the child and sending the child off to sleep. He helps with few things around the house and the child, but cooking, taking care of the child (laundry, buying things, events, arrangements) is fully on me. He is also in full time professional employment. At some point he was making comments about how easy my job is, that it does not require much attention or effort; he could shout a question from downstairs in the middle of my online meeting (assuming that I was not busy) until I told him to be quiet when I am working from home as I can be in a meeting at any time.

Last (timeframe removed by Moderator) any message, any question was taken defensively, and aggressive answer was provided. (I had to leave to visit (specific detail removed by Moderator), and he was along with a child. So, I attributed this behaviour to being sleep deprived or tired or problems at work. At the same time, when I am left alone during his work trip, I cannot be expected to behave in the similar way – he would make a snarky comment whether I am on my period).

(timeframe removed by Moderator) we had an abroad family road trip with his older offspring. The trip was planned solely by me. I did consult him a few times but designed the route and all the activities. (specific detail removed by Moderator) When I was back, he threw a tantrum as I spent almost £(amount removed by Moderator) on it. He asked his older offspring to go back to the shop to return it. Of course, the return was not accepted. We had yelling back and forth in the hotel room just the two of us, when I had to justify why I made that purchase. I transferred money from my personal savings to cover for it to shut him up. It didn’t stop him. (specific detail removed by Moderator) he kept on yelling at me in, what he thought, a joking manner, (specific detail removed by Moderator) He did that in the street in front of both children and random passersby. It was embarrassing and humiliating to be yelled at in from of his older son. I asked him to let it go, but he didn’t; I said I would go back to the room, and they can continue without me, he insisted I go with them. The rest of the trip was ruined for me, it took a lot of energy to pretend I was ok as I was directing everyone and making other arrangements. I kept quiet most of the time, making neutral remarks about what we see and where we go. Last time I was yelled at publicly by my (relative removed by Moderator) with who I cut contact with over (timeframe removed by Moderator) years ago because of that.

I cannot be around my husband now, I cannot be around his older son, I cannot believe he did that to me in public in front of others (and in private as well). I gave away the (specific detail removed by Moderator) I bought to his ex-wife and their older son, I couldn’t eat it as it reminds me of being yelled at publicly for buying it.

When we all came back, he had a work trip again. It was such a relieve to not be around him as it gave me time to reflect. It dawned on me that this is abusive. There is not physical abuse, but I am always being put down in one way or another. And, yes, of course he says the most common things that this is my perception or it was a joke or I was being too sensitive.
I have started a divorce application. Am I overreacting? Is divorce too much for being yelled at in public?
 

[Tian]

Hello sandybeach2025,

I am not a lawyer so this is only my opinion you understand.

These days apparently there is only one requirement for filing for divorce and that is: you want a divorce. You are in a situation and you don’t want to be in it any more. That’s it.

Hope this helps and stay strong xx

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Hi sandybeach. I do understand how difficult it feels to draw a line and say “this is enough”.

It feels to me like every tiny infringement on my boundaries that my partner made was barely perceptible. It was very small, but the sum of it over the years became very large, so that, in the end, I was continually putting up with behaviour that I found really unacceptable and becoming a person that I didn’t want to be.

But each tiny push of my boundaries felt very insignificant and, like you, I thought it was rather silly to make a stand about it, when something not much worse had happened a month ago and I’d put up with it.

Now that I have separated from my abusive partner I can see very very clearly how he has absolutely no regard whatsoever for my boundaries, needs, thoughts, desires or anything else for that matter.
I am very glad that I finally decided that he’d crossed a line. Like you, I doubted myself about it a lot. But, how you feel is very important, and it won’t get any better.

I hope you are able to do the right thing for you. If it feels very wrong to you, and that you can’t come back from, then there’s a reason that you feel that. It didn’t come from nowhere.

If it’s any help, I don’t think I’ve ever yelled at a boyfriend in public.

You are allowed to choose the life you want and how you want to be treated.

 

[Tian]

Hi again sandybeach,

Oh, and this seems to be a common thing from what I’ve read:

They work out through trial and error what is the absolute minimum you are prepared to tolerate. Then they give you just a smidge less than that. Somehow they train you to tolerate that. Rinse and repeat, over years and years if they can get away with it. Why? I don’t know. But it only ends when you refuse to go any lower. Then they act astonished. They aren’t surprised that you said “no more!” They are only surprised that THAT was the point you put your foot down.

Stay strong you lovely person xx

[Indeepindance]

Sandybeach2025, absolutely not is my answer to your question.

And you’re not filing over one thing, I can see layers & layers of unnecessary, unkind, thoughtless and draining nonsense from your husband that I see as highly abusive, despite all your efforts to make it stop. A total lack of respect for you and your boundaries trampled over and over again.

You gave it a good chance, put it down to calibration at first, but it got worse. You’re getting mixed signals from him because he wants to control you, I think he didn’t bank on you being so switched on though.

Reading your post transported me back in time to a relationship I left, I could’ve been reading about myself. I was breaking due to the ordering, double standards, obnoxious questioning yet adverse reactions to my normal questions, public and in private shaming, after which I’d be told to ‘calm down’ and oh the double-binds that leave you suffocated as in your situation, wanting to take space after being traumatised on a trip and expected to just carry on like nothing’s happened, but no you have no choice, boundaries ignored again and you are cast as the inconsiderate one who’s spoiling it for everyone else and bringing a ‘vibe’.

I’m not at all surprised you want out. When I left it would’ve looked to him that it was over one argument, because apparently I had no respect for his rules whilst he was telling me to be quiet and just listen… but for me, I snapped after years of the most upsetting, frustrating, infuriating, confusing pattern of utterly superior and arrogant behaviours that I still feel sick at myself for allowing to continue, despite me fighting back hard at times. I tried to imagine how I’d react if anyone else in my life spoke to me the way he did and they’d have been told stop that or stay away from me for good.

Don’t be hard on yourself, trust your initial instincts and look at how you feel about the relationship and whether you’re happy. And all the best of luck whatever you decide xx

[Author]

Posts