- This topic has 6 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 3 years, 10 months ago by ineedsomeadviseplease.
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26th May 2020 at 3:57 pm #104401ineedsomeadvisepleaseParticipant
I need help with my situation. All my friends just tell me to ignore and move on. However it seems harder than other relationships I had.
We were really good friends before we got together. He had a girlfriend for the last (detail removed by moderator). I never met her or spoke to her or about her with him, which I found odd, but maybe that’s just the way things are.
Every (detail removed by moderator) me and a group of friends were out and his girlfriend was never with us.One day he started texting me. He told me he was single after a couple of days and I understood that it could be a bit of flirting. But I am a very insecure person só until he said he liked me I thought he was joking.
We spent all day texting and basically all night on the phone, since we were living in different cities. He sent me flowers and wanted to talk to me all the time. Get to know me. Everything I see in the studies about love-bombing happened
I went to visit him (detail removed by moderator) times. There was a girl that he knew I was really jealous of and she was always there. Sleeping in his house and going out with him every day. It bothered me but in the past I had a very (detail removed by moderator) partner that led me to believe I was crazy and my jealousy is not normal. So I tried to be good.
He never went to visit me and whenever we were together he didn’t act as my boyfriend in front of other people. He actually never called me his girlfriend. He kept saying it needed to be on the right time
Eventually he started discarding me and coming back. It happened (detail removed by moderator) times. He finally said he couldn’t do long distance and ended things. I was in bits. But I felt like it was my fault so I tried to get back things as friends at least cause he told me he was miserable. He admitted he kissed that girl and then that they slept together but he knows how he loves me
He writes email every day and ask me to be with him.
I am hurt and insecure and there is a massive fear that going no contact will make him leave me and do something worst to hurt me. I am having a really hard time with going no contact and I need an opinion on this -
26th May 2020 at 4:14 pm #104403Wants To HelpParticipant
This isn’t a relationship hun, this is a man who wants his cake and eat it. He is using you and abusing you, and I’d question how much of a ‘friend’ he was in the first place? He is playing with your emotions and keeping his options open. He has already told you lies about the other girl, he has told you he can’t do long distance, he does not treat you like a girlfriend when he’s with you. This relationship has not started well and there is no way it is going to improve. You really need to cut your ties with this man, staying ‘friends’ is only going to hurt you more in the long run, he will leave you feeling even more hurt and insecure than you already are. Take control and move on, you’ve had a lucky escape.
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26th May 2020 at 8:22 pm #104419bringbacktheoldmeParticipant
Hi, This guy just sounds like a bit of a Jack the lad and as WTH says he want’s his cake and also eat it, however I wouldn’t put this in an abuse category as he isn’t being abusive nor is he acting in a controlling manor, he is just a player who want’s the best of everything.
If it were me I would cut my losses and move on as keeping a long term relationship, long distance never ends well for both parties.
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26th May 2020 at 9:43 pm #104425ineedsomeadvisepleaseParticipant
Thank you for the replies
I think that things are more complicated when I started reading about the lack of empathy and gaslighting. Being called crazy whenever I showed any sign of confusion. And also the fact that the person shows no empathy for others and for myself
It is really difficult for me to push him away, I am not sure why. I am stuck in the love bombing and to have that as part of my days is hard. And whenever I go no contact there is a threatening of never speaking to me again, which makes me panic and I end up going back to talking.
I know a lot of you had worst and far worst abuse but right now I feel small and lost.
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26th May 2020 at 10:05 pm #104428Wants To HelpParticipant
Don’t minimise your abuse and compare yourself to others. To be honest, I think we all underplay it and feel that there are others worse than us, but it’s making you feel bad and it’s affecting you in a negative way, so therefore, it is bad.
It’s all part of the cycle of abuse. We cut our ties, but as soon as he tells us he’ll never speak to us again we panic and don’t want to cut our ties, yet we were coping quite okay not speaking to him until he contacts us to tell us he’ll never speak to us again if we don’t speak to him!
On one of the many occasions I left my ex (before I got pregnant) I decided I had finally had enough. He did leave my house, took everything of his with him, and I was doing fine. Then a friend told me they’d seen him out in town with another girl and they looked quite intimate. A few days later another friend of his told me he’d moved on and met a woman who was single, no children, great job and a sports car. I knew she was EXACTLY his type and that if I didn’t act fast then he’d move in with her or rent somewhere with her because he just CANNOT be without a woman and be on his own. What did I do? I panicked. I rang him up, told him I’d made a mistake, begged him to come back to me. And he did. Within days I’d regretted it, couldn’t believe how stupid (?) I’d been and the abuse started all over again. My family were livid.
Now I know and understand the Cycle of Abuse, Trauma Bonding, my own neediness as it was, I totally get where I was during that relationship. But back then, I hadn’t got a clue. I just thought I’d got a c****y relationship where I couldn’t live with him and couldn’t live without him.
Take your time, do some research, look at the Cycle of Abuse, read up on Coercive and Controlling Behaviour, Trauma Bonding, read some of these message boards and educate yourself. Bit by bit you will start to realise where you are in all of this and you will find the will to leave for good.
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27th May 2020 at 1:28 pm #104449LisaMain Moderator
Hi ineedsomeadviceplease
I just wanted to show you some support. Sorry to hear about your situation, it sounds like this is not a healthy relationship. His lack of empathy towards you and gaslighting you is very emotionally abusive. You don’t deserve to be treated this way and he will just continue to treat you like this if you take him back.
If you stick to no contact, this will help to enable you to move forward. It would be really helpful for you to get some support. You could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (weekdays 10am – 4pm and 10am – 12pm weekends). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support
that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here:
https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/You could also get in touch with your local domestic abuse service for support which you can find here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/
Take care and keep posting to let us know how you are doing,
Lisa
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30th May 2020 at 7:28 pm #104719ineedsomeadvisepleaseParticipant
Thank you for the support
Going no contact was really difficult. We are talking and he doesn’t acknowledge my feelings. I don’t know how to handle him asking me to go back and move in with him, I love him but the more we talk the worst it is for my feelings.
I’m always jealous and second guessing if he is telling me the truth. I know this is wrong and unhealthh but I need help with how to end this. I’m starting to find excuses to be with him and forgive and I am not sure it’s right
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