is he abusing me?

[freeflowers]

Things have been like this for a while now but I’ve only just worked up the courage to post this.

He has never been extremely physically violent but he has spat at me, shoved me, punched me, and kicked me, but he has never left any bruises. He often argues with his parents and when he does he takes it out on me and calls me names and says its my fault. He has said horrible things to me in the past, including saying he hopes my ex comes back and sexually assaults me again and calling me fat when he knows I have an eating disorder. When he’s been angry at my house before he’s threatened to hurt my family and my dog and called them names (he never does to their face). Even when he’s not angry at me he sometimes jokingly calls me names and hits me to get me to do things for him but because he’s said these things to me seriously I dont take it as a joke and it really affects my self confidence. He doesn’t really let me go out with my friends, and he makes us spend a lot of time with his friends, and he tells me what I can and cant wear.

He struggles a lot with his mental health so I feel bad for blaming anyone but myself for his actions. He isn’t always like this and when he’s not he’s the most amazing person.

I dont know what to do, I am dont know how much longer I can cope with this, its been going on for more than a year. Even though I’m still very young and I live separately from him I spend all my time with him and I don’t know how I would cope without him. I still dont know if I’m overreacting. He isn’t always like this and I love him to bits.

[Malachite]

I’m sorry to hear he’s treating you like that. It sounds like abuse. Threatening to hurt your family and saying that they hope you get sexually assaulted are red flags. I wouldn’t want someone like him around my friends or family, from the sounds of things.

Is he getting help for his mental health problems? You shouldn’t have to deal with all this.

Have you called Women’s Aid? I know it’ll be hard to cope without him, but it’ll be really difficult to get away from him if you end up moving in together, getting married, or having kids. I didn’t think I could cope without my boyfriend years ago, and now I have no idea how I coped with him… and I still have to see him for the sake of our child (it’s complicated). It won’t be easy to leave someone you still love though, can you speak to anyone in the meantime (e.g. GP, friend…)?

[KIP.]

Please don’t blame his mental health problems. If they were the cause of his abuse then he would abuse everyone. However he chooses to abuse you when he knows there are no witnesses. He can control himself when he wants to and knows exactly what he is doing. Abuser use fear, Obligation and Guilt to control us and keep us hooked in. Try ringing the helpline on here and definitely get in touch with your local women’s aid. Sadly the abuse always gets worse. Google the cycle of abuse and read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. No amount of you loving him will stop the abuse. He has shown you his true colours, believe him and save yourself x

[KIP.]

The answer is yes, he is abusing you. Sadly. And you are behaving like the typical abuse victim. Minimising his behaviour. When you defend him saying he has never been extremely physically violent. The first time some spits at you or kicks you or punches you is time to end the relationship. Think how you would advise your best friend. All these things are violent acts and are illegal and always escalate. I’ve been where you are and my advice is to run for the hills and never look back. If it were only that simple. It’s dysfunctional mind games. Gaslighting. Cognitive dissonance. He will destroy you as that’s where he gets his thrill and it makes him feel big. In reality they are selfish bullies that assault women. The lowest form of men x

[freeflowers]

thank you so much for your comments. i do think his mental health plays a part as he acts the same towards his parents sometimes, especially his mum. however he can control himself around his friends so i dont know. i don’t really have anyone to speak to as i never get chance to see my friends anymore and when i’ve brought it up with them theyve always brushed it off and they think he’s too nice to do anything like that. i’m scared to talk to my GP in case they try involve the police. I’m going to try call womens aid, I dont know when because I’m with him all the time. Thank you again for your comments I really do appreciate it xx

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