Is he abusive?

[Wants To Help]

So often new members of the forum will post under this topic because they are unsure if their partner is abusive or not. It seems that because the abusive behaviour is unpredictably interspersed with their nicer qualities then they cannot believe that they are in an abusive relationship. Abusers are not nasty, threatening, violent, jealous or controlling, insulting, lying, thieving or cheating 24/7. Some of the abstinence of this is when they are sleeping (okay, bad joke) but there are times they are capable of behaving like a decent, loving partner.

Here are some of the nice qualities of my abuser that I loved:

He didn’t drink to excess, didn’t smoke and didn’t take drugs.
He was very good with money and didn’t squander it.
He loved animals and was very kind to them, he even put himself at risk of harm to rescue a trapped dog when we on holiday abroad once and everyone who watched gave a round of applause and treated him like a hero.
He was very good at DIY and did a lot of work around the house, did his share of the housework without asking and also the garden.
He would service my car instead of me taking it to a garage and paying for it.
He took pride in his appearance and hygiene and always looked and smelt nice.
He loved doing things with me and our son and we went out on lots of family days and holidays.
He took his responsibilities as a father well and would get up in the night when our son was a baby and let me rest.
We both worked in responsible jobs and earned equal money, the only joint account we had was for the household bills and we contributed to it equally each month. What went in to our own accounts was our own and we could spend it on whatever we wanted without having to account for it.
He was educated, interesting and could hold a decent conversation if he wanted to.
He was always on time, never late at all. If he said he’d be there then he’d be there.
He could be relied on to do something if he said he’d do it.
He was a considerate lover and never hurt me sexually.

He sounds great doesn’t he?

He was also very jealous of my friends and made an issue if I went out with them, I could never really go out and enjoy myself as he’d be bad tempered and shout at me when I got home.
He hated my family and didn’t like them coming round the house. He loved being with me and our son and just wanted it to always be the three of us, everyone else was intruding. My family had to come round by appointment so he could go out to avoid them, and he’d give them a time to leave by.
He hated anyone phoning me and if I’d been on the phone for longer than he found acceptable he’d stand next to the phone saying nasty things so that the caller could hear and would end the conversation. Ultimately, I became afraid of the phone ringing and scared to take phone calls so people stopped phoning me (this is one of the things I still have issues with now.)
If I didn’t agree with him he’d get angry and shout and foam at the mouth, if I tried to walk away from an argument he’d get me in a physical restraint and hold me down until he’d finished with what he had to say.
On one occasion when he got angry with me he threw me out of my own house on to the street and wouldn’t let me back in. Rather than call the police I had to walk the streets until he agreed I’d ‘learned my lesson’ and would let me back in.
He’d criticise what I wore, how I had my hair, what colour I had my hair.
He criticised my weight, put me on a diet and took me to a slimming group.
He criticised my exercise attempts and made fun of me taking up running.
He accused me of having an affair/fancying/having slept with every guy I spoke to or worked with.
He was very rude to my male friends and would completely ignore them and refused to shake their hand if we bumped in to them by chance.
He criticised how I dressed our son, what I fed him, how hot the bath water was, how deep it was, how shallow it was, how many bubbles were in there or there were not enough bubbles in there. I became afraid to trust my judgement on how to prepare a baby bath.
He said I was too close to my family and spent too much time with them or talking to them and that I should ‘cut the apron strings’ and stand om my own two feet.
He would throw things at the wall in temper, punch holes in doors or threaten me with violence.
He would monitor the mileage on my car and tell me to account for where I’d been.
He would monitor what I ate and have a go at me if I’d had chocolate, I had to start throwing food wrappers in neighbours bins to avoid being shouted at and bullied.
He left me at my Dad’s funeral and went home because my ex fiance attended to pay his respects. Upon my return home late at night after the wake he was angry with me for not coming home earlier and was angry that I’d gone to my Dad’s wake.
After several physical restraints on me without causing injury he one day grabbed me round the throat and pinned me up against a cupboard, threw me to the floor causing bruising and pulled my hair out. That was the day I knew it was over for good and I separated from him. He’d breached my boundaries.

So as you can all see, he was an abuser, despite all of his nice qualities.

[nbumblebee]

Thank you for sharing this its almost like you are descibing my life i have been feeling so bad as he brought me an amazing xmas gift however he is going on and on about how im not allowed to say no to him and how amazing he is for buying me a gift i feel so ungrateful and am again doubting myself doubting if this really is abusive even though ive only just admitted to it but i know once i feel better he is gonna expect payment.
This was just what i needed to read today thank you.

[Kitkat44]

Thank you @wantstohelp perfect timing for this!
I was reflecting on our Christmas Day how I saw much more of the man I thought I’d married, the version of him that I loved once. And only hours before he had been horrible to one of our children. It’s almost impossible to comprehend they are the same person.
Xx

[nbumblebee]

@kitkat yep to this. I saw him in mine too its what makes this so hard isnt it. Xxxxx

[Lottieblue]

@wantstohelp great post.
It makes me think of the Lundy Bancroft book as he has a paragraph saying almost exactly the same thing.

I use the word “controlling” to describe mine, and yet he never told me what to wear or hid the car keys. He never stopped me doing anything I wanted to do… my problem was that he made it so abundantly clear, from the very start of our marriage, that his needs, wants, desires were the only ones that mattered, that this was indoctrinated into me and I had no self-esteem so never considered myself worthy of even an opinion.
He sulked, left the room, slammed doors if I challenged him on the slightest thing, and told me what a b***h I was. He ruled our animals and our children with a rod of steel.
And when he’d had a bad day at work he came home and shouted in my face, backed me into a corner and watched me weep, then felt better and asked me what my problem was because I was subdued.

He never laid a finger on me but he might have ripped my insides out for the impact he had.

He did absolutely nothing to help with the kids when they were small. If he did do something, like a birthday party run (can I remember that happening?🤔), it was a massive favour to me which I owed him for. And he had the nerve to lecture our friends on child-rearing techniques.

He told me I was frigid and kept count of exactly when we had last had sex and told me how many times it had been in the last x months. If I managed to resist him he punished me by storming off and refusing to speak to me for the rest of the day.

He took no care over how he looked. He was horribly overweight, but if I tried, gently, to help him, he asked me if I’d looked at myself recently. And still thought I should want sex with him.

Yep. If they were awful all the time, there wouldn’t be a problem, would there? It would be easy to leave. I think it was KIP’s first bit of advice to me, way back, to Google “Cycle of Abuse”. It’s so awful. It’s that realisation that no matter how nice he’s being now, or might be tomorrow, don’t breathe that sigh of relief and think it’s all going to be ok because it’s not. It will come round again. X

[nbumblebee]

Again listening to these really hit home I see myself in each post in what everyone one of you says and yet I still wouldnt believe its abuse I think I do now I am trying too with all my heart these posts are amazing. Xxxxxx

[loveactually]

Thank you so much for posting ‘Is he abusive’
I make excuses for my husband and tell myself he is not that bad and the abuse is mainly when he is drunk, which is every night.
I am planning on leaving him in the near future and I secretly tape him when he is being abusive, I will then listen to them on my headphones over and over again. Its as though I have to justify myself for wanting to leave.
I worry about how he will manage without me and keep putting the act off until I know he will be okay. I don’t love him anymore but I don’t wish him ant harm either.
Please keep posting to make and keep me strong.

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