Is he abusive too??

[Starmoon]

This friendship is volatile and this incident isn’t the first. He comes off as having such an entitled sense of self when it comes to women and he’s dropping all these little jokes at my expense which I don’t find funny. Over the last few months he’s made jokes that I look like this actress (removed by moderator) feels like I’m being called ugly. He obviously thinks it’s funny and mostly I’ve laughed it off but (removed by moderator), I told him he was being disrespectful and he told me he wasn’t responsible for me not having a thicker skin, and next time I made a joke about him he would pretend to be offended just to prove a point.
A few months ago we were having a perfectly normal chat via messages and he asked me if I was in a mood (I genuinely wasn’t, I wasn’t being short or snappy and didn’t even read as If I was).. when I said no, why? He sent emojis and then explained I must be on my period…. it came from absolutely no where and it did offend me! Is it really ok to make jokes at women’s expense as if they aren’t allowed to have real emotions and we must all be hormonal and crazy… and are those sorts of jokes really actually funny to other people?
My ex would always call me over sensitive and it’s true that I don’t have a particularly thick skin when it comes to jokes about me… I’m a very insecure person and I can’t easily laugh at myself…. I take almost everything personally and I’m aware that’s not the best personality trait to have but I’ve spent a long time trying to build myself up and believe that I’m worthy of being treated well regardless. I don’t think I’m so socially inept that I don’t see boundaries when I’m joking with my own friends… and if I’ve over stepped them then I’m always mortified and say I’m sorry. I think in a lot of respects I come across to others as being over sensitive now. Half of me wants to stamp my feet and tell them that I’m simply making a stand because I think we should be aware and accepting of everyone and shouldn’t be bullied.. but the other half of me retreats to being the person that beats herself up and blames herself for everything and thinks she should just accept everything that’s thrown at her so she can make everyone (apart from herself- because she doesn’t matter) happy.

[fizzylem]

I won’t tolerate it these days, my ex taught my daughter that it’s fun and ok to ‘take the mickey’ out of someone, and Ive heard some of the mum’s in the play ground call it ‘banter and just kids’ – which feels like an excuse to me, so when she does it to me I pull her up on it, I really dont think it is funny, to me all he’s taught her is an apparently acceptable way to be unkind. She told me that she and dad (removed by moderator) – taking the mick, and I went mad, said how do you think someone with red hair would feel about that joke – I was horrified, feel it also teaches prejudice, splitting, creates divides and problems with her own self esteem, because if you judge others sooner or later you will become you’re own harshest critic too; it creates relationship difficulties with the self and others. So for me, I’m thinking she’s better off not going there at all.

Thing is, when we laugh uncontrollably it’s always over something silly, we love to be daft – so there really is no need for it either is there; pretty sure this is healthy and doesn’t harm anyone – it also a bit of a creative mind workout isn’t it and much more fun. My daughter’s pretty much stopped the mickey taking now in my presence.

My ex had a really sick, twisted sense of humour, men superior, but then no one got away with not being torn down either; he was very negative and I know it came back to bite him when he felt down on life or himself. I consider this the first tell tale sign that I had really, his sense of humour, as now I reflect on what I know now I can see he was as sick and twisted as his sense of humour. It would be a red flag for me these days.

If it offends you its not funny to you is it. For me, if it offends me or anyone it’s not funny either x

[Starmoon]

Thank you for your reply. I don’t find jokes at other people’s expense funny… I never have. Sure I joke with my friends and we probably laugh at ourselves over some things but there’s got to be boundaries. I don’t know why I keep finding myself in these situations. My ex used to make me feel like I had no sense of humour at all.. he’d get annoyed at me when he’d made a joke about how I looked and I didn’t find it funny, but I can’t shut my braid off to these things. The situation with this so called friend… when he thought it funny to suggest I must be on my period when I wasn’t even being moody with him to start with. Don’t get me wrong, If I had been grumpy or snappy, I might’ve seen some humour in it, but it seemed to come from absolutely no where. He was asking me to join him at some music event, I’d said I couldn’t as I had my children, he then said he didn’t know who els to ask as he needed someone to split the costs with.. asked if he’d already bought the tickets and he said no, he was just committed to going but really needed to find someone els to go, so I said maybe it was just a little last night for people and that’s why no one could make it.. then he asked if I was in a mood.. I said no, why and he said I must be on my period. I chose to avoid speaking to him after that and the next time we saw each other he passed it off as a joke and said he was in a stage of life where he was sick of saying sorry to people. I’ve avoided other little digs he’s made but this time when he commented in regards this this actress I simply said I didn’t find it funny. He said here we go again and get a grip. I can’t even explain how upset that made me.

[Fudgecake]

I agree Fizzylem. It’s funny how these people always accuse you of being over sensitive – it’s parts of the training to accept abuse. But what I’ve noticed is that they have zero sense of humour when it’s directed at them and woe betide you if you call them over sensitive…

[fizzylem]

Interesting he says he’s sick of apologising and not concluded that the answer here is to correct himself – to try to be funny in other ways, ways that dont offend – thus no apology is ever needed lol – simples really hey.

Just because someone is a friend it doesn’t give them more leeway does it S. You have the right to choose your friends and choose them well, for me, these days if anyone is less than kind I’m not really interested, turns out now I have a lovely group of friends and there is never any mickey taking. Yes we laugh and smile at one anothers antics, but I would say this is more from a what it is to be a human stance than anything personal. You’re right, boundaries are needed and important and true friends are very mindful of this and never trample these. I would hate to think I have offended any one of my friends – you too no doubt; and if I did I would be setting about doing what I needed to do to try and get the relationship back on track – but I cant say this has happened to me for many years.

I actually feel pretty annoyed he’s tried to turn this round onto you to try and wriggle out of it; has taken no personal responsibilty.

Yes I used to fake laugh at my exs jokes sometimes, to humour him, as long as he thought he was funny it kept the peace; I also felt at that time I dont have a sense of humour anymore, this was because he was never that friend to be goofy with, and if I did try to be goofy I was shamed for it; it will come back to you S, when things feel lighter again this will also help as you’re noticing, this is just where you are right now after abuse; and lets be honest, there isnt much to laugh about is there for a long time; I think it shows us how you are thinking about how you want to be in the world and that is a person who doesn’t cause any harm; dont let him shame you, feel proud of who you are and your values as they sound pretty spot on to me x

[Starmoon]

Thank you for your replies. I’ve thought for a long time that I have nothing in common with this friend and that I disagree with his entitled opinions of women and almost everything to be honest but hes someone that been around for so long and I just don’t want the drama, so mostly I try to stay out of it and avoid conflict even when I disagree with him. We have mutual friends and I’m friends with his ex wife.. I just hate being in this situation where I now can’t be included in things because I’ve called him out for his behaviour. He’s decided to block me from everything which in some respects is fine.. I’m away from the anxiety he causes me.. but I worry that others will see me as the common denominator in these situations.

[fizzylem]

Sounds like positive change is on the horizon to me, if you experience him this way chances are others do too and they will completely get it, and if they takes sides, then it is perhaps time to let these folk go as well. However, what I found is that those who like you will stick around and you will make time doing things together without him, you’ll be amazed at how this improves things with him not creating drama in your life anymore, and this won’t go unoticed by the other friend as well.

When you’re with these friends, I would say something like you wish him no ill whatsoever, but you’ve got tired of feeling rubbish about yourself when with him so you’re simply taking a time out and giving him some space, kind of feel I’m getting too old for anyone that is less than kind, respectful, supportive and fun in all my relationships x

[Escapee]

You are not being too sensitive. He was being rude and disrespectful. You’re absolutely right not to accept this. If a football supporter shouts out a personal comment that’s disrespectful and unacceptable they get banned…..that’s exactly what should happen when it happens in your life, ban the bu**er!

[Author]

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