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I’ve known this person for (number removed by Moderator) years or more… since both being single we have been in contact for the last (timeframe removed by Moderator). Sporadic contact. 1000s messages or calls a day down to nothing for days on end… constantly professing his love for me but always avoiding seeing me in person and when we do he is verbally abusive to me but then extremely loving in the same sentence… denies any of the aggression or verbal abuse has ever happened seconds afterwards… on the phone he adores me .. future fakes me for weeks on end.. jn Person I am certain I catch him looking at me as if I make him feel physically sick. When he is aggressive I feel frozen to the spot and incredibly small , I even look at the ground, I can’t get any words out, when I address this he ends the conversation and I won’t hear From him for days until I either agree that it didn’t happen and it’s ’all In my head’ or he feels enough time has passed that I won’t mention it anymore, and I’ve learnt not to. After the recent verbal agression where my children and his were in the next room, he (specific incident removed by Moderator). Then he just switched back to normal and was fine. There are soooo may examples and this all probably sounds like nothing. I ended things with him (timeframe removed by Moderator) ago, he was so nonchalant about it. Yet I am desperate to hear from him yet when I look a his photo I shake and go so cold and feel like I can’t move and might throw up. Coz seeing behind his mask in real life scared me to death. I feel like I’m loosing my mind, I am desperate to hear from him but physically petrified of him. He regularly cancels plans last minute with me.. as close as I’m ten mins away and he knows I’m on the way but sends a text to cancel. If he does go through with the plans off getting togeyher he will call me endlessly all day and laughs at the panic in my voice when I answer the call thinking he is cancelling . I don’t know what’s happened to me. Any help would be great. X*x
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Hi Sunflower001111,
Thank you for sharing with us and welcome to the forum. I am sorry to hear about what you are experiencing, it sounds very distressing for you. I hope it has helped to post on the forum to others who understand.
You are doing the right thing by reaching out for support. Abuse is about power and control over a person or a relationship- it can be confusing and exhausting to deal with. You might find it helpful to take a look at Bloom. Bloom offers free online courses created by or in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma. Their courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace and cover topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries. Bloom can be found here.
Keep posting when you can, there is support here for you.
Best wishes,
Lisa
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My husband doesn’t do exactly the same thing. What he does, is he just doesn’t tell me when he’s coming home, he’ll show up at random times, (he has different work shifts), he wouldn’t tell me his days off, before I realized that he was abusive, I’d happy spend all week thinking that we were going go on a date on his day off, then on his day off he’d suddenly tell me that he was going drinking with he friends instead. He’d leave in the morning and wouldn’t come back until really late at night. In my case, I don’t think it was abuse. He just never really cared enough about my feelings to tell me ahead of time. Even when I asked me.
After I realized he was abusive, it was kind of a relief. Because it meant that I could stop loving him. That I make an active effort to turn off my feelings of wanting to be with him. So I don’t think about having dates with him anymore. You don’t owe someone a date if they constantly cancel plans, hurting your feelings.
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