Is he in the wrong? Or me?

[AnkaBa]

Hello, I’m new to this and only just started trying to reach out for help and advice.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for (detail removed by moderator), he had a heart transplant (detail removed by moderator) so I sort of care for him as there is a lot he can’t do. I moved (detail removed by moderator) miles away from my family to be with him.
I haven’t seen my family in (detail removed by moderator) as he doesn’t much like them and makes me feel bad for speaking to them.

He gets angry if I talk to my dad or spend too much time on the phone with my mum.

He immediately took a dislike to my friends for no reason and has alienated me from them so I have no one apart from him, I’m alone in this country And all I have is him which is always reminds me of.

If I go out with work friends for work events (Christmas nights out) he gets verbally abusive while I’m out, texting me and asking constantly what time I’m coming home. If I get annoyed at him for it he says all he’s doing is caring for me and thinks I gaslight him.

I’m also the only person he has, he has bad mental and physical health and relies on me, he can’t deal with any stress, So if I tried to leave the upset would likely put him in hospital or worse. So I’m stuck.

I never got to see my Gran before she died and had to go home for the funeral, i wanted to go for (detail removed by moderator) to see everyone but he told me I could only go for (detail removed by moderator), and stupidly I listening because I’m scared to upset him. Because if he is upset it’s bad for his heart.

Due to this during arguments when he’s shouting at me I stay quiet and cry, then when I cry he says things like I’m painting myself to be a victim and mimics me calling him abusive.

I once forgot to take stuff out the wardrobe when we were moving and he got so mad he empty a bin bag of rubbish over me and told me to pick it up.

He mad mouths my entire family, saying I shouldn’t want them in my life and I favour them over him… and I should favour him as he’s been there for me for (detail removed by moderator) and they haven’t.

I’ve written a lot here I’m sorry I’m just looking for confirmation that this isn’t normal, as I’m so used to it I can’t tell anymore if I am in the wrong after all

Thank you

[AnkaBa]

And to add to this, I feel like I still want to protect and to look out for him? I don’t hate him. Which seems the opposite to what I should feel..

[HunkyDory]

Hi AnkaBa, welcome and thanks for sharing your story. The way I see this is that he’s purposely alienated you from your family and friends and seems to be playing on his health issues to keep you imprisoned. It’s typical abusive behaviour. Mocking you, tipping rubbish over you (…!) it’s horrible behaviour and you don’t deserve it.

It’s quite normal to want to protect them and care for them because YOU are a lovely caring person and it’s in your nature to do so. My abusive husband and I split months ago and I’ve gone no contact which has been hard but ultimately the best thing I could have ever done. But… I still care – that he’s ok that he’s happy. I still miss the nice man he was in between the abuse. It’s ridiculous but it’s how caring people work. I’d never contact him no matter how strong my feelings because my life is so much better without him in it.

My advice would be to get out of this relationship and move back to be near your family. If you do decide to leave be careful as it’s a dangerous time and abuse can escalate, so do it secretly.

You’ll have lots of support here to help you and contacting women’s aid to help with a plan would be a good move.

Take care and keep posting for support xx HD XX

[AnkaBa]

Hi HD!

Thank you so much for taking the time to offer me advice. I just really need people to confirm that I think this is abuse.

And I felt insane for still caring about him, and to hear you have similar feelings makes me feel less crazy now… I’m so happy you’re out of your abusive relationship! Take care x x

[Goingthroughit]

It is abuse
1 he is isolating your from your friends and family why? Because they are threats if u have only him you will end up codependent (like me)
2 he threw stuff over you and ordered you to pick it up this has also happened to me why because I was in a rush to go visit family and he didn’t like to see me excited to see anyone other than him I guess it’s disrespectful and degrading

3 telling you how to feel about him when he said he has been there for you not anyone else yeah only because he won’t let you have anyone read it again he won’t LET you

Yeah he has had a heart transplant that a shame and all but shouldn’t that make him cherish his loved ones more

Listen I am in a similar situation to you I can’t tell u what you SHOULD do but who am I to tell you that when I’m stuck myself
But we should leave it’s as simple as that but it’s not that simple I know
Just try I feel for you x*x hugs xx

[AnkaBa]

Hello goingthroughit,

Thank you for taking the time to confirm that what I’m experiencing is wrong, and I’m sad to hear you’re also in a similar situation.
I understand how tough and isolating all this is.

I always wonder why it’s so hard to leave? Surely such awful behaviour should be easy to leave behind, but here we are.

Remember you’re not alone and we are walking the same thing with you, take care of yourself x*x

[Goingthroughit]

Hi ankaba
It’s very hard to leave I’m still stuck but he said he will leave when I have finished my course which is (detail removed by moderator) I am scared of him leaving why I don’t know routine I guess and I’ve been reading up on codependency I think I am co dependant you might be also.
But u know what I know there is a better life waiting for me and I can’t wait to start it
I got on (detail removed by moderator) the other day and was surrounded by people smiling,laughing and joking and I just felt warm inside I felt free and I called him hoping he had not changed his mind and was still leaving because I want to keep feeling warm inside
Right now I’m not me I am a shell of a person and have to fight for what I want in my own home and to be accepted by him I’m now doing the grey rock method if you don’t know what it is google it seems to work
Sending you strength and happiness
Xx

[Bubbles4]

it Is so normal to feel protective over him and care for him. He’s the person you chose to be with.

It’s not ok how he’s behaving, there is nothing that you can tell us that will make it your fault that he did those things to you or says those things to you.

I spent many years minimizing my abuse somehow I deserved it or it wasn’t that bad etc. I’m out of my relationship now but I probably still distance myself from being the victim of domestic abuse.

Keep talking to us on here it will help hopefully. Take care of yourself, I really hope you can see a way to leave your relationship because you deserve to be happy and not treated this way xx

[AnkaBa]

Hello Bubbles4!

Yes my best friend knows all about this and he’s fallen out with me a couple times because he can’t see why I care about him, which is why I couldn’t understand it myself.

I can already feel the suppose from the ladies here and I thank you for telling me some of your story.
I always say I deserve it and that it’s not his fault for being this way…

I’m very happy to know you’re out of your abusive relationship, I hope I can be as strong as you soon! Thanks again take care xx

[Author]

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