9th January 2019 at 1:22 pm #70385CrisParticipant
I am very confused right now and I thought you could give me some insights about my situation.
Big text – sorry!
I’ve been around (detail removed by moderator) years with my partner and I decided to get divorced.
Our relationship was usually good, but he often had anger attacks when he was pressured, he would leave me and say horrible things. Then, after (most of times) humiliating myself asking for us to talk, for he to consider the things he was doing/saying, after he had denied me enough and saw me crying, he usually asked sorry and we had a long talk where he would take back the things he had said and changed his mind, saying he would try to change. He left me in some critical moments, as when (detail removed by moderator)
He actually improved during the relationship and after many fights, he did (detail removed by moderator) therapy, but even with “less attacks”, he kept doing them and breaking up with me as our marriage was a teenage random relationship. He believed he was better than me at everything. He was always pointing the wrong things I had in me. He had no patience and was constantly talking about other women and making sarcastic comments that many times bothered me or hurt me and after he said they were jokes and that I was too sensitive and he got irritated that I never got his jokes. I could never tell when he was serious or not and I don’t even know if every time he said he did a joke it was true or not.
We had many problems regarding his mother that hates me, as I don’t have much money and they do. She kept saying to him I was interested in his money and also verbally hurt my family more than once. He had a strange relationship with his mother and constantly decided his things with her instead of deciding / discussing with me. She had constant control about where he was everyday and what time he left and arrived home, control over his e-mails, credit cards, etc. We fought a lot about it, because she was constantly interfering in our life.
Well, he lied to me many times, he broke several agreements we made to make the relationship better. He mistreated friends of mine. I got tired. I was unhappy – when we fought I was always bad and couldn’t do my stuffs, but he had a normal life without any issue. I decided to break up. But he was trying hard apparently and he said things that confused me if I was the one that was abusing him, or if I really should break up instead of trying. I don’t know. I am very confused.
He said he had to stop talking to women, because as he was always flirting, he didn’t know how to act properly without that and thought it was better to not make new girl friends (in the past, he actually flirted a lot and said things to other women that were disrespectful to me).
He said he lied to me because he was afraid of my reaction (example: (detail removed by moderator)
He said he saw me as a person that controlled his life (detail removed by moderator). He was used to discuss those things with his mother and was always going to talk to people, researching and deciding without me.
So, yeah, I don’t know what to thing about all this and if I became an abuser myself.
9th January 2019 at 5:40 pm #70400IwantmebackParticipant
Hi there Cris, you are in no way the abuser. Reading your post his mother is the root of the problem, she controls his money, his time, even his emails, that’s weird. She’s verbally abusive of you and your family, I take it he is as well(learned behaviour from his mother) he’s projecting when he says you treat him badly but in fact it’s how he treats you. He lied to you for fear of your behaviour. Really. he lied because he didn’t want to be told his behaviour was wrong. He controls your life not the other way around, plus he may believe this deep down as this is what this mother does, but if that was true he’d never stand up to you. You are right in wanting to get out of this relationship, now how can we help you to do this. Xx
11th January 2019 at 6:46 pm #70521EbonyRavenParticipant
I can’t see anything in what you’ve described here that tags you as an abuser at all Cris. I can however, see that this man has so many traits of an abuser and his mother too.
The fact she controls his emails, money etc. is very, very strange.
You are totally right to want to get out.
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