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    • #87062
      Still-trying
      Participant

      It’s been a long time since I posted, mainly because I had mostly started to finally move on from him. Only recently he’s getting to me through our child arrangements.
      I don’t know how much will be deleted but hopefully it won’t be, he only has them for (details removed by moderator), he often cancels last minute and just recently he’s started bringing them home early because the youngest is apparently upset and he can’t deal with it. Then he msged to say he wouldn’t be picking them up at all because our daughter is too upset when she’s there and he thinks it’s best we don’t force her.
      Obviously I don’t want her distressed but my eldest has confirmed that she’s not upset when she’s there anyway.. so this just seemed like an excuse not to have them. And it’s only served to make the little one feel insecure around him, and now she says she doesn’t want to go at all. I’ve tried to explain to him that if he wants a decent relationship with her, he needs to make more of an effort, but his replies have never been about the kids, other than to say they only use him for money. They are very young so this isn’t true. The rest of the time he’s moaned about how cushy my financial situation is (it’s not) and that I have it easy compared to him, he’s tried to imply that I’m a bad mum, and he’s basically just going on about his situation and mine. I’ve told him I’m not interested in any of his life other than when the children are with him, but he’s refusing to work with me over the contact situation.
      I hadn’t really worried about him for such a long time but all of this is a curve ball and I honestly can’t predict what he will do next. He’s even made remarks that he thinks I haven’t moved on, yet I refuse to talk amour anything but the children and it’s him who drags other random things up. I’ve also realised he only sends msgs really later at night.. I honestly think he does that because he knows it will stress me out and stop me sleeping

    • #87063
      Still-trying
      Participant

      About not amour

    • #87064
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Hi Still trying, it’s lovely to see you on here again, I’ve just started reposting too. Oh yes he’s very much still abusing you. Could you stop all contact with him since it’s ‘upsetting the children so much’, his words. Have you been writing down his movements while having access ie, times he’s picked them up, returned, has He turned up at all, let down at the last minute, saying they’re upset when they’re not etc. Is it possible to get the children to write down how this makes them feel in their own words as well. He’s projecting how he feels onto you, saying you’ve not moved on when it’s himself who hasn’t. It’s typical abuser behaviour especially when you seem to be getting on with your life without them and doing so well, thank you very much. If your girls are at home, is there any reason you have to have your phone on, that way he can’t text you and upset you. The random things are because he’s lost control over you so he’s all over the place trying to find what will push your buttons. You’re doing so well, keep strong and keep posting for a while again.
      Love and light IWMB 💞💞

    • #87066
      Copperflame
      Participant

      He’s still trying to control you using the children and his contact with them. He’s messing all of you around and playing mind games to exert his power. You don’t mention if there is a Child Arrangements Order made in the Family Court, but if there isn’t an order and he doesn’t seem to want to bother with them, then I would be inclined to leave things be until he shows more interest. Any father who abuses his children’s mother is not a good father, even if he has his good points. I know this can be difficult because the children probably love their father and want to spend time with him, but the downside is that he can try to turn them against you, which is actually a form of emotional abuse and is harmful to them.

      Obviously if there is a court order, your situation is slightly different, but if he isn’t sticking to the contact arrangements, you are well within your rights to bring the case back to court and ask to have the current order varied to make reflect your current situation.

      Sadly abusive men enjoy causing distress to their partners and ex partners because they enjoy the feeling of power it gives them. They’re very conscious of the ‘nice-guy’ image they present and part of building up that image is to imply to others that you’re a bad mother and he’s a great guy. if he can get you to doubt yourself then all the better in his mind. Abusers love drama and they love to inject intensity into their interactions with you. If you can try not to let yourself become pulled into all his drama and intensity and stick to the point. Also try not to engage in any kind of discussions with him because it only feeds his behaviour. He won’t give your point of view any credence however sensible, it is because in his mind you are still an inferior woman whose views don’t matter.

      Yes the late night messages are being deliberately sent to stress you out and interfere with your sleep. Abusers love to stress you out and know that they’re in your head. You might want to think about putting your phone on silent at night time, or switching it off so that his incoming messages don’t disturb you.

      Have you thought of getting another number for general use and keeping a number just for him to arrange child contact? x*x

    • #87107
      Still-trying
      Participant

      Thank you so much for your replies, there’s a lot more to the story but I’m never sure how much I can share without it being deleted with risk of being identifiable. I don’t actually have direct contact, he msgs my mum who forwards then on- but they are always past 10pm at night and often even later, so it’s disturbing both her and I. She took over the hand over of the children in the beginning as i couldn’t even bare to see him so I had zero contact at all.

      I am so much stronger now and a lot of time has passed but he has never ever been competitive. There’s no court order in place at the moment. My eldest isn’t biologically his but he plays up to being this amazing guy and wanting equal contact with her. The contact started off only a tiny amount because he had genuinely never ever been around even when we were together, so i insisted he needed to build it up.. I gradually offered more time but then over the last year he’s been so inconsistent with even that small amount and never ever asked for more. I’ve made a note of every little thing that’s ever happened.

      When he initially ditched the children back with my parents (I was working) I tried to explain that this wasn’t a good idea and he needed to build a better relationship with them but all of his responses were insults to me, saying I wasn’t doing my job as a mother because I ask my parents to do the hand overs, he’s made jabs at me that the kids don’t want to be with him as heh are so desperate to get back to me because I palm them off on my parents too much… they are only with them when I’m working if they aren’t in school or nursery- I don’t know how he thinks I could pay the bills if I didn’t work!
      His most recent replies are big contradictions though, on one hand he says he wants to get my help to be better with the children but on the other hand he says I need to move on from the past and get over it and put the kids first. I want to scream that I am over him, that this is nothing to do with anything that went on between us in the past so it doesn’t even need bringing up… but I know if I do that, I’m playing into his hands. I’m almost sure if I started having direct contact with him, he could be trying to drag me back into his control.

    • #87168
      Still-trying
      Participant

      He’s actually sent msgs today being mr nice guy.. keeping in mind this is the first time he’s done that in a long time

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