This topic contains 5 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Bubblegum 6 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #71895
     Bubblegum 
    Participant

    Hi Ladies .Hope you are all well .Have not been on forum in a while .I just needed reassurance really or am I over reacting ? I split up from abusive Ex many years ago .We have limited contact now due past behaviour again due to His behaviour he does not look after our children .The only main contact we have is child maintenance.Since last year he has been very up down with work .( I go through Child maintenance they mainly sort things out for me regarding our kids ) .He is train to do a very well paid job but these days it’s not consistent.He will go few months not paying .Then over Xmas period he paid and now he’s out work again .I know there is nothing I can do personally but my gut instinct the longer it goes on he’s taken advantage.Would you say this again is a form control .When I asked him why are not you still working ? He replied I’m waiting for a big job to come up .I find these long spells not working further down the line will effect the kids as usual .Also he must be aware what he’s doing ? It seems to be becoming a pattern with him .

  • #71908
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    When I left my ex husband(not because of abusive behaviour) we amicably had an agreement he’d pay x amount per month. Turned out it was a good bit less than the amount csa said he’d to pay. He got advice! from friends in how to dodge doing that. I went back to college and thought long and hard about getting csa involved. Because I had no valid reason not to(I was actually told by friends! to say he hit me and I wanted nothing to do with him, which I couldn’t do because he hadn’t)long and short was he was working! for a friend who paid him enough on paper to warrant not being able to afford maintenance but the rest was made up cash in hand. So if someone who wasn’t abusive, just angry at being left, could do that, think what an abusive man will do.
    Yes you’re ex has a responsibility for providing for his children even if he doesn’t live with them. I just found it less tiring to fight for something and decided I’d be the one who’d provide for my children, and then I’d not be beholden to him for anything.
    My children now see him for the kind of man he is, weak, pathetic and vindictive, though they do have some sort of relationship with him. They also see my oh(abuser) for what he is, a bully, wicked, evil, spiteful and vindictive, they too have nothing to do with him.
    If a man chooses to shirk his obligations to his children they will. No one can make them contribute. It is just another thing that shows you were right to leave him.
    I was given a great piece of advice years ago. Worry about the things you can fix, don’t worry about things outwith your control. I’ve lived by that for decades now. It’s not being defeatist or letting someone away with anything, it’s just letting go of crazy making behaviour from someone else.
    Best wishes
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #71909
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    The common theme with abusive men is that they dont and wont take responsibility for anything. Their actions, paying for the keep of their children. Its a form of punishment, youve left him and he actually wants to see you struggle, but worse the kids. There thinking is so irrational it is beyond belief! Im sure there are ways to prove that he is earning more than he is declaring. I know this is really difficult as my ex was self employed, my CSA money was calculated as nil. Eventually though once the tax man got involved he was owe me the minimum amount. I ended up giving up on that front because i was fighting a loosing battle. It is rediculous that these men are aloud to shirk out of there responsibilities imagine if a mother did that? it is i guess a form of financial abuse too xx

  • #71924
     Bubblegum 
    Participant

    Thank you ladies for your replies Much appreciated.What you have both mentioned my gut instinct was telling me .As much as you’d like to you can’t reason with these type of men.Full excuses it can be very draining the least contact you have the better .

  • #71930
     fizzylem 
    Participant

    Hi Bubblegum, totes agree with the ladies above. Whether he can do anything about being in or out of work is unclear; but maybe when he’s not working this has ‘some value to him when in relation to you’ – means he can’t pay, causes you to contact him, or worry and experience difficulties. If I were you I wouldnt mention this topic to him ever again and go soley through CSA/CMA. Remove at least part of the buzz for him, the part you can do something about – if this makes sense.

    So annoying how they get away with dumping this onto the mother – but they do – along with many more parental responsbilities hey – any dad that doesnt want to pay will get away with it. Yes, if the mother did this, failed to provide, the child would end up in care. Most of make sure this never happens – we get it.

    As hard as it makes it sometimes, you can do this alone if needs be. I have one whose dad never gave a single penny, feel pretty proud of myself for raising him without this now, for making sure he had what he needed and that he turned out to be an amazing human being. Things were tight at times yes, and we didnt have much, but we were happy. He’s grown up now and appreciates others and what he has, but he also doesnt actually need many material possessions – means he’s easily contented – which I think is a lovely way to be in the world.

    I remember I felt much better pretty much as soon as I decided to let it go, stop the chase, I accepted that yes it is unfair and decided I’m not wasting energy on something I can not change (the system), I will raise him alone – so glad I did that now and made that decision early on x

  • #71944
     Bubblegum 
    Participant

    Thankyou Fizzylem got your reply .You made a very good point in your reply .How my Ex might get a buzz when contacting me when he’s not working .The CM is the only thing that we have contact control over now .As far as I’m aware he’s no longer with his partner or at least things are not rosey with them at present .He did leave me a message regards to why he’s not working etc etc moment .I did not reply I got my point across he knows when he’s doing .Just can not be bothered with instant excuses .Took I very long time but I can never properly rely on him he does what suits him all the time x

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