12th February 2024 at 7:10 pm #166046MayflyParticipant
I’m new to the forum and was hoping for some advice to help me put things in perspective. I’ve been with my husband for over (detail removed by Moderator) years, we have two grown up children.
To try and summarise: he has always had an anger problem, so I often feel like I’m walking on eggshells. Sometimes as soon as he comes downstairs after getting up I know he has got out of the ‘wrong side of the bed’. He will then find things to complain and moan about (often extremely trivial) and will shout and swear and blame me for things (and shouts me down when I try and respond).
He is impossible to discuss things with once angry, he will deflect blame onto me or others and takes no responsibility for his actions. He also will never ever apologise even after shouting, swearing and being incredibly rude (e.g. telling me to shut up, f*ck off etc). His anger and shouting and swearing is very intimidating and I am left very stressed and drained after these outbursts, whereas I’ve noticed that he often seems ‘lighter’ some hours later or the next day (depends how long his bad mood has lasted).
So basically he seems to take all his frustrations out on me. It has always been this way and there is no empathy or consideration for how it makes me feel. I suffered badly from verbal abuse for well over (detail removed by Moderator) years. He would call me terrible names (fuc*ing dozy cu*t was a favourite) and would shout and scream in my face. The name calling stopped about (detail removed by Moderator) years ago as I somehow managed to put my foot down about that, however, the angry intimidating outbursts still happen.
It’s like there’s a cycle, he will be fine for a while and we can get on really well (few weeks or maybe up to 6 weeks) and then it’ll happen again. He has never hit me (although has thrown things, punched a wall, punched my car stereo whilst I was driving). That seems to have lessened but the angry verbal outbursts have never gone away.
I wondered if others have experienced similar issues to this? I don’t think he will ever change, though I guess I always hoped he would. It pains me to say it (it even makes me feel guilty for speaking about him this way) but in honest moments I admit to myself that he is a bully.
Thanks in advance for taking the time to read this x
12th February 2024 at 10:43 pm #166052Llama12Participant
Sorry you are going through this. I am going through the exact same thing as you. I am not married but my partner of (detail removed by moderator) does the same thing. I’m always walking on egg shells , afraid of what’s coming next. I know exactly how you feel and I also feel my partner will never change. He also gets angry and (detail removed by moderator) and takes his angers out on me. He calls me names , makes me feel bad for getting upset and crying when he speaks to me like c**p. We own a house and dog together and every-time I’ve tried to leave he threatens (detail removed by moderator) I feel very trapped and he has history of being physically abusive and I’m scared that if I try to leave he will just hurt me and has potential to cause serious harm. I can’t speak to family or friends because they know him and as much as we do have good times I hold onto that in the hope that he will change. I’m at my whits end now 🙁
12th February 2024 at 11:00 pm #166053maddogParticipant
Oh Mayfly, you’re describing an abusive relationship. You should never be treading on eggshells. You should never experience things being thrown around expecting yourself to be the next target. You should never be blamed for his behaviour.
You’re bang on in describing a cycle.
Ah yes, Llama12, the threats are so familiar to me.The isolation from family and the utter loneliness of the situation.
Nobody ‘just leaves’ an abusive relationship. There are organisations and people who can help and support you to escape safely and there are often reasons to remain.
Please seek the support of Women’s Aid and whatever help is available locally to you. Nobody is going to tell you what to do. I thought in my own marriage that I’d made my bed. Then there was a tipping point.
13th February 2024 at 8:03 am #166059sweet4Participant
Me to, its got that bad i have lived in my bedroom since middle of December, so i know your pain Mayfly.
3 years ago i joined this forum,as he said he was going to get help for his temper tantrums, he acts like a child, he has tunnel vision, hes always right, took him back again, left him 4 times last year, they cant change. i saw a Tarot Reader he picked him up straight away, hes a bully, you cant tell him hes wrong, and it was the Tarot Reader that told me he has tunnel vision, he cant see any wrong in what he does and he will never change, i just could not believe what he told me and he was spot on, so Mayfly, there’s a lot of us woman dealing with the same brats,keep posting..
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