24th November 2021 at 9:42 am #134589bluesky00Participant
Me and my boyfriend were together (detail removed by moderator). Living together for (detail removed by moderator). Things have been good we’ve enjoyed living together and have done so well. The only problem is his drinking and partying every weekend. This only started back a few months ago and he’d go out all night and not come home to the next morning as he was partying with friends – sometimes he would pick fights with me when he was out putting down our relationship then come home and apologise. Most weekends it was the same if I was not out with him. I also found a few occasions he lied to me where I caught him out and he still denied it despite proof and threatened to leave if I didn’t believe him or leave it. We’ve always had issues with communicating he’s hotheaded and shouts a lot which I don’t like and doesn’t take criticism well. I found myself letting slot of things go to keep the peace. We were out (detail removed by moderator) and he was getting in fights I was trying to hold him back and he was swinging and hit me and grabbed me by the neck – according to my friend who seen. (Detail removed by moderator). I was out on the streets and he just continued partying and did not come home or message to see if I was okay. When I confronted him about it the next day he said (detail removed by moderator) and went as far to deny he had did anything wrong and said (detail removed by moderator) despite him doing that to me and people
Witnessing it. We have left the house now and I am back home and we are no longer together. We had a talk (detail removed by moderator) and he said he still loved me but we decided to leave the relationship both of us were upset about this. I have removed him of social media but I am so heartbroken at how he could treat me like that and deny it. I am struggling to accept this as we were happy all week and had been discussing the future. He had been helping me this last few weeks as I’d been feeling low due to depressions and he’d be so good at helping me and supporting me. I just feel like a fool like it is my fault this has happened as he’s downplayed grabbing me and made me feel like it wasn’t his fault? Just feel so blindsided and embarrassed and can’t help but want him back despite how he has treated me and I don’t understand why. I feel like it was due to me being down and depressed he didn’t want me anymore, despite everything being fine (detail removed by moderator).he has had no remorse either and has been cold and nasty to me since the break up and does not seem to care. Any help would be appreciated on how to cope with this
24th November 2021 at 9:57 am #134590EyesopeningParticipant
I’m sorry that sounds so tough and I know how you feel.
It sounds just like the time my abusive ex discarded me. He kept saying I am sad all the time and i am bringing him down, he didn’t love me anymore etc. But if you really think about it, it was him that made me unhappy!
It was him dragging me down, but i got the blame for it. They love to do that. To make us feel terrible about ourselves means we are easier to control. After I had been gone for (detail removed by moderator) he decided he loved me and wanted to (detail removed by moderator). The worst thing I ever did was go back to him.
But I didn’t see that he was manipulating me at that time.
Be very cautious and don’t take him back if he turns around and changes his mind.
He is gaslighting you by saying it wasn’t a big deal, it didn’t happen like that etc, he is making you doubt your reality and is a form of abuse. It’s crazy making and cruel.
He is also minimizing and not taking responsibility.
You may be in a trauma bond which is why you are also confused and just feel like you want him, even after he has treated you so badly. This is a strong chemical bond made by positive & negative reinforcement from an abuser. It’s like a gambling addiction or drug addiction. Like Stockholm syndrome. Have a look on Youtube for these terms perhaps, look at Dr Ramani’s videos, they are really helpful. Keep posting and reading other peoples posts as it can be so helpful to making you see that abusers are all the same. That we all question whether it is abuse, when we are in it, trauma bonded with cognitive dissonance we get so confused, Confusion is the hallmark of abuse.
& Reach out to WA, you can chat to them x*x
25th November 2021 at 5:45 am #134654ChickadeeParticipant
There are so many scenarios with the hit you once that I am not addressing it other then this – you know what that incident was like – was it alcohol induced, some alcoholics are abusive…. Ask yourself this when you reason these things out – would it be okay if there were a knife in his hand and he stabbed you, but just once, or a gun and he shot you, but just once. Now, think that any of these, even a fist, can end your life if just done once. It only takes once, sometimes.
May be an abuser, is from what you have stated an Alcoholic, whom can also be abusive.
What you do have is a man that is out drinking all night to excess every weekend, not returning home, (per your statements), and he is not identifying himself as having a drinking problem. Until he takes responsibility and acknowledges he is an Alcoholic, he is not going to get any better or seek help. He may even get much worse.
Do what is safest and best for your well being. Live your life. Get out with other people and do things, have fun, and be with others that are healthy relationships for you.
In the process of taking care of yourself in this (detail removed by moderator).
25th November 2021 at 12:13 pm #134665EggshellsParticipant
Yes, you are describing abusive behaviour. It was only physical once because you left him after the event. If you hadn’t have left, the physical violence would have repeated and escalated.
Alongside the physical violence, you describe many other behaviours. Lying and gaslighting, putting you down then blaming you for being depressed and the nice periods. Please Google “Abuse Cycle” to see how this works.
Trauma bonding is to do with hormones that women release as a direct result of relationships around them. When the atmosphere is tense or there is an violent attack (physical or non physical) we produce cortisol. This keeps us alert and ready to protect ourselves. After the attack, the abuser is calm, gentle and kind. In response we produce dopamine which is a feel good hormone.
Our brains and bodies quickly learn to associate that dopamine release with our abusers in the period after an attack. This can leave us literally craving our abusers so that we can get that dopamine fix. This is often mistaken for loving the abuser and missing him. You’re actually just missing the dopamine rush to get you through the stress, grief and trauma of the post separation period.
You can get the same dopamine effect from connecting with a close friend or relative and you can also, boost your dopamine in other ways. Try Googling “natural ways to boost dopamine.”
Well done for getting out Bluesky00.
If you feel inclined, please do consider reading “Living with the Dominator”. It will help you to see the other abusive behaviours that he was exposing you to and it’ll raise your awareness as you go into future relationships. xx
25th November 2021 at 1:00 pm #134670EyesopeningParticipant
Nicely explained Eggshells.
Abusers leave a huge gap when they leave our lives because they took up so much space.
You know what really helped me in leaving and getting him out of my head, every time I wanted to talk to someone, or felt I needed support, or even share good news no matter how small. I would turn to family or friends. This started to become a habit and I stopped ever wanting to contact him. x*x
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