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I’m currently with my partner and he drinks a lot. He tends to lash out when he’s had a drink by swearing, hitting, pushing or strangling me. He won’t let me sleep when I have work the next day, he will play music loud and try and keep my awake. He tries to force me to have sex with him all the time and when I don’t want to he will make me feel guilty.
Is it abuse or is it just me being paronid? Can I leave?
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Hey, welcome. I suspect you already know the answer but are seeking confirmation. Yes, this is abuse.
See if you can get “Why Does He Do That?” By Lundy Bancroft. It’s on Amazon and it changed my life.
The Women’s Aid helpline is always there for you and we will always listen.
Leaving is a dangerous time so be prepared. If you decide to go, don’t let him know.
Two bits of advice from me:
1. Judge him by his actions, not his words.
2. Listen to your gut.
We are here for you, just keep posting xx
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Hi Teatoast,
Welcome to the forum! I hope you find it a safe and supportive place to be. I am delighted to see that you already have a supportive reply. I am afraid that what you describe is definitely an abusive relationship. There is a questionnaire on the Women’s Aid website too that might be able to help you identify your relationship too. Please do phone the helpline for some advice and support. You will find it really helpful and they will not tell you what to do but they will help you to see that you do have options.
We are all here for you so please keep posting.
Best wishes,
Lisa
Forum Moderator -
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Hi Teatoast,
It is abuse. I worry for you refarding the physical abuse. The fact that you’re questioning whether it is abuse shows that your abuser has begun to succeed in getting you to question yourself and your rights, as all abusers have done to us ladies. He he truth is, the behaviour isn’t normal and it is unacceptable.
I couldn’t see how abusive my ex was when I was with him. He denied it and blamed me for exaggerating of for causing it by not being this, that or the other, or blaming rhe children for his anger issues.
Sleep deprivation is something my ex used to force upon me too.
I hope that you can call Women’s Aid and access local support for yourself. Getting support will strengthen you and help you to see the abuse for what it is. It might seem that you can not get out of your situation. The notion might seem impossible, but you can get out, and there is a life of freedom the other side. However, I would ask for help from Women’s Aid so that you can act in the safest way possible. Abuse can escalate if abusers sense women are planning to leave or are accessing outside support. Women’s Aid can advise you about the safest route x
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Tea toast welcome, sorry to hear you having to deal with abuse so up close in your life. As been said, no one is allowed to do that to you, regardless of whatever excuses, no one.
Not bad mouthing, aggression,lying, shouting, bodily harm, name calling, silent treatment, ignoring you, control, manipulating, all of these things are not ‘normal’ behaviour. No excuses ok XPlease try to speak to WA and chat it through they have insight and so do we, we’re here for each other and there’s lots of different posts which may help. Coercive control, trauma bonding, gaslighting, love bombing, emotional and financial abuse .. all of these terms I learned on here.
Eye opening, you need some proper trust worthy support, take it carefully and safety is your absolute priority.
No discussion with him about leaving etc, v dangerous to dislcose any plans at all ever. All done in privacy, in your own time.
Hugs Cx
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Hi yes you ate definitely in an abusive relationship, please don’t stay in it, abuse always gets worse over time. I am away but was in it years, like Cuppa has just said, you are starting to question yourself, I did that all the time, it was like every mortal thing I did was wrong, everything I said was wrong too. I couldn’t even do normal things like cleaning when he was at home, it annoyed him, so I had to try & do it when he was out, he would then come home & accuse me of who have you had round or who are you fn expecting to come round. He blamed his anger on me, I got blamed for everything, even things outside the home I had nothing to do with & didn’t even know about until he ranted at me. He did not drink or take drugs but he was a pathological gambler (well hidden) He complete controlled the house, yes he paid the bills, but monitored every mortal thing down to toilet rolls, he’d rant we’d used too many yet he stole them all the time, we had electric monitored, water, food consumption, our utility bills were the lowest of all the people I knew, yet he still went crazy when the bills came in. I became terrified to even breathe as he’d snap “your breathing is too loud” by which time I was in such a dreadful state I’d started hyperventilating, like Cuppa has said above, all those things above are abuse. I think another sure way to know is they have one set of rules for you, another for themselves, things you will not be allowed to do, for example he had a bath daily, sometimes twice a day, me I only dare have one bath a week because of his rantings over the water bill. He monitored something as petty as toilet rolls, yet would waste thousands of pounds gambling. Abuse is their choice, drink, drugs & gambling, they are stressed, they are tired etc all excuses too. They don’t care if you are tired, in pain, cry, look terrified, they all have an attitude of females are below them, they are superior. If you are scared of him & are questioning yourself then it is abuse, They use fear tactics to keep us in line. They also use the I can’t handle how you act & it’s all your fault. They also use the vile to hurt you, then be your rescuer too, making you believe that they are sorry, then out of nowhere the abuse happens again. It is not normal to feel scared of who you are with, in a normal healthy relationship a man would not use fear to make a woman do as he wanted. Please don’t stay with someone who shows so little respect to you, I did years asked myself why was he even with me if he hated me so much! Something else they do which is a sure sign is convinced you that your thinking is wrong, they’ll say they were only joking or they didn’t mean it. His actions will speak louder than his words, I’d he didn’t mean it & was genuinely sorry he would never do it again xx
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