Is it abuse

[Mrstiggywinkle]

I am in a weird place. I’ve got a lot going on at home and I suffer from anxiety anyway. I’m just finding it so hard to identify what is happening, I know something isn’t right but I can’t put my finger on what it is. Sometimes I think it’s him, sometimes think it must be me that has something wrong with them. It’s difficult to explain so I will try to pluck out some examples.

A while ago my husband for me I could not say things to him in front of our toddler such as: don’t shout, be gentle, don’t snatch. It was something I tried not to do anyway but his behaviour towards our son is got more and more like this and I felt I had to say something. But he banned me from doing so because he said it undermined his authority and took away his control, because that seems to be what he thinks parenting is. I stopped and tried telling him these things to one side instead or texting them to him or telling him strategies of dealing with situations later in the evening when our child was asleep. He would nod and agree in a non committal way but never actually soothe things, you must understand that he refused to read any parenting books and said he would just listen to what I said having read them, but he doesn’t.
Anyway I recently started to say the things again because he just shouts at our son all the time so I will say be gentle or don’t talk to him like that because it’s horrible and he’s only (age removed by moderator). My husband will just give me a horrid look and sometimes walk way in a strop saying fine I won’t say anything then..
He will be fine one minute and completely miserable the next. He talks to me like I’m stupid or like a stroppy teenager would talk to their mum. I am trying to bring our child up to have a happy childhood and learn things and he just storms in shouting and being horrible, he very rarely uses a nice or fun voice when talking to him unless we are out in public and will just sit on his phone at home and get annoyed when our son cllimbs on him, pulls him or throws his phone when he clearly want a attention. I’ve tried to explain that he probably wants him to get down and be witj him and that’s why he plays up and throws the phone because in his eyes his dad is always looking at this thing instead of being with him. He goes on about stoop touching my stuff, it’s my stuff not yours (to my toddler) but he leaves his stuff everywhere and won’t listen when I say he needs to put it away if he doesn’t want it touched. We bought a house with a cellar because he wanted it to put his hobbies in but so far he hasn’t sorted it out and every time I ask if he can put something in there he accuses me of trying to banish his stuff to the cellar.
I’m scared of his temper and live in fear not knowing how he will react to situations, I’m constantly ready to jump in and defend my son or diffuse situations.
I have tried talking to him but any time I say anything he has an answer for it or a different suggestion or way he thinks something should be done.
I feel like there’s no point in me suggesting things for our house because he always has a different way he wants to do it and I’m terrified of him doing work on the house anyway because he flips out the whole time swearing and throwing things. I don’t like to plan days out and find it stressful when I do because he just says yeah whatever and doesn’t involve himself in the process. He forgets he’s said stuff nd accuses me of making it up.
The other day he he a go at our potty training toddler for weeing on the floor despite me telling him multiple times he can’t do that. The dispute ended in him walking out the room saying that he will just have to wear nappies again then because we can’t have him weeing all over the floor and finally saying fine I won’t say anything you just do it all.

I am at stay at home mum and have no idea on our finances because it’s all single accounts in his name I’ll ask but he is always vague all I know is that we are in as lot of debt and I will only find out anything if I go over the credit card with food shopping nd he shouts at me.
I’m afraid every time we get a bill because he goes mad at the cost, I’m scared to do food shopping (although obviously I do) because I don’t want to get told off.
I don’t ever think he will physically hurt me although he drags our son around quite a bit and always has done and snatches off him. But I am still afraid of him. It’s so tiring preempting the next move all the time and trying to second guess what mood he’s in. He will leave the house on an argument come back all sunny and 20 minutes later be miserable as sin and shouting.
I know this doesn’t really make a lot of sense but there’s a lot of layers going on here and in struggling to pick out clear details to outline exactly what his behaviour is like.

[Mrstiggywinkle]

To add I just thought of another example. A while ago some of our friends split up and our toddler mentioned the guys name in passing as they are mutual friends and it had been his birthday do my toddler had seen a birthday video of him on my phone. He was only (age removed by moderator) and the name was obviously fresh in his mind so he later on said that singer on the speaker sounded like the person in question. My husband jumpedbon it at once and started asking the (age removed by moderator) year old when he had seen the person (he hadnt) and why he was talking about him. I responded that he hadn’t seen him for ages and ages and ages and he spat viciously that he was talking to our son. Then said to our son you can answer questions yourself you know.

It was a bizarre interaction and just sent alarm bells ringing everywhere

[Mrstiggywinkle]

He also passive aggressively uses things I’ve saidagainst me: for example he kept telling our son off for touching his phone charger so I told him to put it away. Then when our son had it next I said I know it should have been put away. He waited until our son was unravelling the Hoover cord a few weeks later which I let him do and said I know it should have been put away and just looked at me.
I was thinking but this isn’t the same 1 because I haven’t finished with the Hoover and 2 because it’s not my personal item that I’ve asked him not to touch and still left out in his reach. Just the way he looked at me when he said it you could tell he was thinking strike 1

[diymum@1]

ok this might not be what you want to hear. i brought my first daughter up in a relationship like this until she was (age removed by moderator). he was very controlling and your husband sounds 1 like hes sees his son as an extension off himself and hes not treating him like a child at all. and 2 he has no idea how to parent a child. he sounds very entitled and he obviously sees your child is getting in the way of this deep entitlment. so his job as dad is to be the buffer between you and to support in all ways. hes not doing this emotionally or financially. i was the same my ex was as changable by the hour like the weather. i second guessed everything and although he knew nothing about parenting he had the final say. what hes saying and doing to your child is detrimental for sure and it was in my case too. in our house he encouraged my child to undermine me quite early on and they would name call most days. my advice would be leave – its not easy but by the age off 6 my daughter was actually saying this to me! i wish i had. children learn the most from their parents they learn by example and this learning is engrained in them for the rest off there lives. i know its a big decision to break a family up but id say and you probably know this deep down this man (although he is his natural father)is not going to be good influence over your son. also from what youve said (and these men project) he is saying your undermining him it will be the opposite. my ex has destroyed my relationship with my daughter. he went as far as making her stand against me (detail removed by moderator) – she saw him behave in many forms over the years. agressively only twice but verbally most days xxxx

[Lisa]

Hi Mrstiggywinkle

Welcome to the forum. Your gut instinct is right on this one, he does sound controlling, emotionally and financially abusive from the examples you describe.

You may find the Freedom Programme useful, this is a group which is run all over the country which explains in detail every aspect of an abusers behaviour, it can help you to see more clearly what is happening which can be very hard when you are in it.

You can also get ongoing support from your local domestic abuse service.

Take care and keep posting

Lisa

[Too far]

I need to know I’m doing the right thing? I need to know if it’s abuse?
Hubby works away from home so I am main carer for our kids.
He likes to be in control and although to everyone looking in I’m a very lucky woman, we holiday twice a year and drive a nice car.
He expects not a thing out of place when he’s home which has resulted in me not being able to sleep and my fingernails are chewed to bits with stressing over this. This is just the little daily niggles that have worn me down but the big flags are the control over who I see when he’s away. He doesn’t like my family and if I see any of them more than twice in the same week he gets moody. I have taken 2yrs out of work to have our second child (his decision although he said if I wanted to go back sooner I could!) after a year I was desperate to go back but he said no as it doesn’t earn enough! So I looked at other jobs that would fit around the kids, found one and applied and looked into a day nursery for little one, I told him about it and he wasn’t happy, I said I could put him into nursery 4 days while I was at work then he could have him when he’s home to which he said ‘nah I’m not looking after him just because you want to go to work!’ I felt so alone as it’s expensive and to pay for his childcare even when my husband is sat at home doing nothing would mean I literally earned nothing. So now with his approval I’m at college one day a week and on placement one day too but now he’s dropped a few hints at the fact that he’s supporting me to do this so I’ve been looking for jobs that will fit in college and placement, I can always go back to one of my old job but it means working until 9/10pm at night or in my other old job which doesn’t pay well. Neither of these options he allowed and was upset I had even mentioned them! As it is he gives me a small allowance for food but it never stretches to the end of the month and I’m too scared to ask for more. This Time home he has decided to go on holiday on his own, when asked why he was going away when he misses the kids so much when he’s working away he said “well what have I got to come home to?!” It hurt me so much and it’s kinda been the last straw. I’ve looked at rentals and had a look to see if I’m entitled to any benefits to see me through til I get a job, my parents are aware of it and have offered me the deposit and first months rent to start me off as they desperately want me and the kids out.we argued when he came home from work before he went on holiday and I told him I wanted a divorce, he went nuts and I slept in spare bed, next day I began to pack my bag and he pretended it hadn’t happened and said come on let’s take the kids out and get them some new clothes and not wanting to show the kids there was a problem I agreed and went and we’ve continued like nothing happened. We haven’t kissed or been affectionate but stayed civil and not said a thing about the argument. Looking back he likes to be in control at all times. 3 years ago I fell pregnant it was unplanned and he hated the fact that it was out of his control, he pressured me to get rid of it but I stood my ground, every day was a fight about it, he even told our son to jump on my stomach while I was resting, needless to say I miscarried shortly after. I was in a dark place after that and I think at that point I gave up and just did what he said and pretended everything was fine but now I don’t want to pretend anymore, it’s not fine and I’m beginning To think his behaviour isn’t that of a good man/husband/father no matter how nice he’s been the last few days since our argument. Am I looking into things too much? Is this abuse? Why do I feel like this? Can anyone please help?

[Wibbles]

Too Far
This is definitely abuse, you need to speak to someone, have you called the helpline?
My husband is the same, when we argue he will then give me the silent treatment for days then suddenly act like nothing happened. I tend to go along with what he wants now for an easy life and because I’m worried about the backlash there will be when I stand up for myself. I know this isn’t right or healthy and I am working up to an exit plan but it is hard, so I know where you are coming from. In between the bad times, he can be very nice and we get on fine, but when I “disobey” or do something he’s not happy about it’s horrible and affects the whole family.

[Moonbeam]

From what you are saying, this sounds like abuse. From my personal experience, it started off as small things and slowly led to things that made me scared of him. If you speak to your GP they can put you in touch with places that help women escape domestic abuse.

I really hope you and your son are okay. No one should feel scared of their father or significant other.

[Too far]

Thank you for your reply I just needed to hear it from someone else as I was beginning to second doubt it. I’ve been in touch with a helpline today and got an appointment for next week to see a support worker who will hopefully point me in the right direction. I’m scared, unsure and nervous but amongst all these emotions I’m relieved.
I hope you see your exit plan through.

[Author]

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