This topic contains 8 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Eggshells 4 days, 6 hours ago.

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  • #98593
     butterfudge 
    Participant

    As my ex’s behaviour is emotional /psychological, it’s hard to prove it exists.
    My (+his) children are afraid of his anger.
    His behaviour doesn’t fit exactly into the definition of emotional and psychological abuse.
    Have I got it wrong?
    I had freedom, my own thoughts my own space, my own job. I was just afraid of his unpredictability.
    He is angry if he doesn’t got his own way. He’s lovely if he gets his own way!
    He won’t admit he is wrong.
    He is always the victim.
    Is he right to be acting as the victim in this? Have I overreacted to his behaviour?
    Am I over concerned about my ex’s anger?
    Was the anger at a normal level?
    I don’t think he reacted right if I was stressed and my stress would escalate.
    These are my grounds for abuse. Is it enough?

  • #98599
     Headspinning 
    Participant

    Are you married to my husband?
    I could have wrote this, still could.
    It’s like 2 different people in the same body.
    I have looked at so many internet pages on emotional abuse, gaslighting etc and I can tick so many boxes – but then when we get the nice side I can’t believe he’s an abuser,

    I guess where my head currently is – I think my husband is abusive, but I do t think he recognises it. I dont think he picked me out with a deliberate game plan of being a us ive. If you read “Why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft it starts to makes sense.
    He has a huge sense of entitlement and how he thinks things should be – and he is mr right so he should know. Over time my opinions become an annoyance and a let down – he thought I was going to be “better” than I turned out to be.

    He is petty and childish bordering on narrsisstic – if an arguement happens he had to win and will chuck anything in to hurt. But if I do that I am “bringing up the past to hurt him”. Double standard.

    So in answer – if your husband is like mine – some of this may ring bells.

    The bigger question is – are you happy? Is his behaviour causing you unhappiness and can you find a way to communicate that to give a chance to fix it before you resent him so much there is nothing left to save?
    If he is an “abuser” he will have no interest in listening and fixing his behaviour.

    I’m at a cross roads and we are semi separated but it’s causing conflict.

    I’m going to try counselling but time will tell.

    All I can say is you have my understanding and sympathy. Try and get a bit of time and space to reflect. I am scared of staying I am scared of going so not exactly a role model, but as one going through it I wish you well and hope you get to a happier place.

    • #98683
       MOOO 
      Participant

      Hello. I don’t know if this is abusive or if it seems to me that there is no visible violence. It’s not like he beats me. This is invisible violence. We have been married for (detail removed by moderator) years. But for maybe a year I realized that I was living in an unhealthy relationship. We can’t talk to each other. Even now, as he writes, I can’t explain what’s going on. But I feel mentally exhausted. He hardly laughs at all. We often have arguments. The husband speaks in a raised voice. When I silence him so that the children can’t hear, he doesn’t react. Recently, I discovered that he was cheating on me. But he doesn’t plead guilty. He takes credit debits, I don’t know what he is spending money on. He works. I am at home with children. When I try to speak honestly with him about our problems in marriage that we have a problem in directs all attention that it’s my problem that it’s my fault. Because I don’t hug him. But I don’t feel like when I know he’s cheating on me. I don’t have support for him. When I have a problem and I just want to talk to him, he says we have a problem again. But who should I talk to. I have no family here, no friends I could meet. I am at home all the time. I’m walking children to school. Or maybe I’ll go out and buy something. Besides, I don’t leave the house because there is nowhere to go. I am a sensitive person and each of his accepted words hurt me greatly. But the fact that I am crying does not react. He seems to lack empathy. Sometimes someone tells me that he admires me for how I deal with children. We have 4 children. I don’t trust my husband. I lost my trust in him. But I doubt myself. I think if I reacted differently, he would be different. He often offends like a child. I’m angry that I didn’t do the shopping list. His blame on me made me not confident. I used to be the same but now it’s getting worse. I can’t even buy clothes for myself. I am asking my husband to come and choose me. (detail removed by moderator) I think he will be like that and he won’t change. And it will be worse. I have no strength to look after children well. I am depressed. I think id some time to leave but I’m afraid. I am afraid that I will not be able to cope with children and financially. A few months ago I talked to a person who helps to hurt a woman. But she couldn’t help because I couldn’t help with physical violence. But she told me that our marriage is toxic. I do not know what to do.

  • #98600
     Headspinning 
    Participant

    Mine never admits he is wrong either but quick to remind me of when I have lost the rag.
    My kids also feel nervous around him due to unpredictable moods.
    In fairness – we don’t have so many angry outbursts now – but is that because he has found new ways to control and get his own way or because I probably just go along with things for an easy life?
    I do think the big questions are -is his behaviour making me unhappy? Do I believe his behaviour will change? If not what price am I paying to tolerate it? And for how long?
    I sometimes think I am waiting for him to really overstep to give me the excuse and confidence I need to justify walking away.
    Read about the FOG – fear, obligation, guilt. I can see these tactics being used right in front of me yet still I doubt whether I am being abused.
    They say abuse gets worse over time – what if that takes a really long time though – I worry I am in limbo and could be for years waiting for the justification when I could just walk away now.
    I worry that I walk away now and he might have changed had I let him know how unhappy I was becoming. But then I remember I have tried to let him know and everything gets turned around on me – it’s always somehow my fault. Then he is back to being all lovely and it’s all to be swept back under the carpet until the next time – with me wondering if I have just been played.

  • #98611
     butterfudge 
    Participant

    Dear Headspinning,
    I see some real similarities with you…I have left my ex though.
    I feel guilty that he no longer has access to his home and kids and people are gossiping about him. I often wonder if I brought this on him unfairly? I think it’s because people are listening to me for the first time in years! I give him an inch and he takes a mile… then we are back to square one. He is not willing to accept responsibility for his actions and the reason we are in the poistion we are in.
    Thanks so much for writing so that I know you understand too!

  • #98615
     Headspinning 
    Participant

    I’m living apart from mine too whilst we try to rebuild.
    I get the guilt as well (he makes sure I do!)
    Mine never accepts responsibility and has a way of twisting events to make me feel like it was my fault. I shouldn’t have brought up a specific incident from the past as I should have known it would have upset him (not sorry he flew of the handle, not taking responsibility – no it’s my fault)
    It’s hard because i still see the good side of him. He can flare up then calm down – with me things fester for days afterwards.
    He isn’t violent but his temper can be intimidating.
    Try not to feel guilty for doing the right thing for you. I hope you have a good support network. I’m lucky I have some good friends – but then I feel guilty and disloyal if I say too much!
    Sometimes venting on here helps xx

  • #98616
     Kitkat44 
    Participant

    Head spinning and Butterfudge
    Your posts sound so so familiar. It’s reassuring and also so sad that you are going through or have been through similar. I too don’t feel my husband is aware or recognises he is an abusive man. I cannot believe he chooses to behave this way, he looses his temper but then can sulk and give us all silent treatment for days and rarely apologised or makes amends just suddenly expects things to be ok again.
    It’s all so tricky and I feel very low.
    Take care and thank you for sharing your experiences xx

  • #108092
     butterfudge 
    Participant

    Thank you for your comments.
    I’m now at the there is nothing left to save stage.
    His behaviour won’t change, its all about him. My mental health has paid too high a price in this relationship. He has exhausted me. I feel relief to not have contact with him.

  • #108098
     Eggshells 
    Participant

    Hi Butterfudge, have you tried looking up “What is n**********c abuse?” Try looking at a few different videos and web pages. Even if it’s not actually n**********c then it really does sound like abuse. Lots of people post on here asking if it’s abuse. In my experience, if you’re relationship is dysfunctional enough for you to have found your way to this forum, then it’s probably abuse. He does sound a lot like my ex. xx

    Ps. Please make sure you are using your browser in “Private” mode. I also used to delete my history immediately.

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