Is it abuse?

[Drinkingtea]

Hi, this has been on my chest since I ended my last relationship and I just needed someone to hear it because I cannot seem to let it go.

When we started dating we had a good sex life but by the end of the relationship the thought of him repulsed me, I would never change in front of him and I would never let myself be alone in a room with him just in case.

I ended the relationship because he got very drunk and threatened to slit my friends throat and accused me of thinking he rapes me. This was really shocking to me because that had never crossed my mind so I had no idea why he would think that. We broke up (detail removed by Moderator) after because of the violent comment and the rape comment freaked me out. We ended on good terms.

A few months later memories started coming back that didn’t sit right and explained my avoidant behaviour with him. He would ask me for sex and I would say no but he would ask and ask and then have tantrums and threaten to leave and accuse me of finding him ugly until I gave in. He would beg to see me naked, of just did this or that but it would never end there. Sometimes when this happened I would cry after (which I thought was just cause I was struggling with my body image but in reality was because I had let him do as he pleased after saying no repeatedly) but he would just get up and go home and leave me in bed crying. Even now I will go somewhere and a new memory comes back of something he did or forced me into and it will ruin my whole week.
I cant seem to let it go, it follows me and I can’t talk to anyone. Even after this I don’t want to accuse him in case people don’t think he was in the wrong. And I’m angry at myself for letting him get away with it even after he admitted to thinking i thought it was rape! He knew he was doing wrong if he thought like that right? And why does that make it feel worse? I never confronted him about it and it feels like he got away with it all. If anything he got the sympathy because I dumped him. Noone knows and I’m not sure if I should even be struggling or if I’ve blown some of this out of proportion. Would a therapist help me move past this cause I don’t want to waste anymore brain space on it because its exhausting feeling vulnerable all the time. My current partner listens if I want to talk but i can tell it makes him uncomfortable so I dont feel comfortable confiding in him. I just need someone else’s take. Sorry if this is rambly….

[Lisa]

Hi Drinkingtea,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for posting so openly about how you’re feeling. I hope that sharing support here with other women who understand is helpful for you.

I’m so sorry that your ex treated you like this and you’re right that it absolutely makes sense of how you felt about the idea of sex with him by the end of the relationship. What you’ve described is sexual abuse. You weren’t freely consenting to sex with him, he was putting on so much pressure any way that he could to the point where you went along with his demands and that is not consent. Rape Crisis have some information about consent on their website that you might find helpful to read through. Him having sex with you that you did not freely consent to is rape.

Abuse is all about power and control and he used pressure, emotional manipulation, threats to be sexually coercive and unbalance the power in the relationship to give himself control. He knew what he was doing and felt justified in behaving this way. There are a lot of misogynist views that underpin domestic abuse, including ideas about rights to sexual access of women’s bodies. Being in a relationship didn’t give him any rights to your body and he repeatedly violated you. The violent threat that he made about your friend sounds really scary too and does make me wonder about other abusive behaviour that you maybe didn’t recognise as such at the time. It’s very common not to recognise abuse while it’s happening.

For specialist support you could contact Rape Crisis’s 24/7 confidential helpline or live chat. Rape Crisis support anyone who has experienced any kind of sexual violence at any point in their life. As well as direct support when you contact, they can help you find longer term support (such as therapy) local to you. Bloom host online courses that were developed in partnership between mental health professionals and survivors and are aimed at supporting recovery from trauma, including specific material for sexual trauma. If you wanted to talk with a Women’s Aid worker to discuss the abuse in more detail and potentially explore any other abusive behaviours, you could use our Live Chat service. The Support Worker can also let you know about other services that you may find helpful.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Author]

Posts