Is it abuse

[Bubblegirl]

Hi so we have been together (detail removed by moderator) and have a (detail removed by moderator) daughter we got married in (detail removed by moderator). Me and my husband argue a lot and they are horrible arguments over unnecessary things. To put it simply, i cant seem to get anything right, i dont have many mates but last year i got back in co tact with 2 old mates. My husband works away (detail removed by moderator) in the year.while he was away i went out up town on a saturday night with my mates and one of my 3 sisters we did it maybe 4/5 times (detail removed by moderator) he was away. I didnt see a problem with this but he went mad asking me why i wanted to do it now i am married and settled he thinks i want to live a single lifestyle. This hurt as i didnt think i was doing anything wrong we argued for days over it and in the end i have pro ised i wont do it again. Its also when i see my family ‘too much’ he hates that too and starts saying i do t prioritize him its all about my mates and family.i am close to my family its just how we are i love my sisters. He doesnt have as close connection with his that maybe explains why he is how he is.hut at the moment i do as he says as it keeps the peace. He gets very mad when we argue i just want it to be right. But its like he doesnt see its him at fault, its always me made to feel its me and i have startee believeing it. Meant to be going away with my 2 sisters to see our sister that lives (detail removed by moderator).we do it every year but i am not going this year as when i told him about it he couldnt believe i even wanted to go after all the arguing we had done about me going out too much with mates and sisters. I am lost i want him to understand how he thinks is wrong but at moment i am leaving it to keep the peace.so lost and confused. Its not like this all the time but when it is its horrible its like he makes me feel bad about it all and it works.

[KIP.]

Speak to your local women’s aid or ring the helpline. He’s using typical abuser tactics. He doesn’t want you to have an independent life of your own and slowly he will change you into a shell of the woman you were. You are already closing down your social life because of his controlling behaviour. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Sadly abuse always gets worse. Total confusion is also a sure sign of abuse. These men always change to goal posts so you will never win. It’s just their nature.

[Bubblegirl]

Yes this soumds right i just dont know what to do he is a great dad and lovely person just when he starts arguing be is a monster i dont have a say really.. i just wish he would realise its wro g what he is doing

[Lisa]

Hi there,

Welcome to the forum. I hope you find it a supportive place to be.

As others have mentioned, he is trying to isolate you and cut off your support network. He drove you to point of promising to never go out again. You are entitled to spend time with your family and friends. Abusive men will chip away as they want to have power and control over women.

You may want to call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247. Calls are answered by trained female support workers. They won’t tell you what to do but can talk things through.

For more ongoing support you can contact your local domestic abuse service.

Take care and keep posting

Best Wishes,
Lisa

[Brewsandshoes]

Maybe he can be a lovely person – but what you describe here isn’t lovely. It’s controlling and unfair. It’s an attempt to cut you off from your friends and family – which you shouldn’t have to do for a relationship. And the fact you feel you don’t have a say is a massive red flag.

[KIP.]

Abusers will never admit they are in the wrong. They think it’s ok to be abusive. He’s not a great dad if he’s abusing the mother of his child. Your child needs a happy independent confident mum. He will drain you of your self esteem and confidence. Not allowing you to enjoy your child the way you should. Google the cycle of abuse. They can be lovely people when they choose but that’s not the real person. The real person is a nasty controlling selfish man who will destroy your mental health if he can. Sadly they don’t change. They pretend for a while to keep you hooked in but don’t change. Get in touch with your local women’s aid for support x

[Bubblegirl]

Thank you everyone, i love him and wamt it to be right but part of me wants to say sod it and go oit with my friends anyway but it would make it so much worse, emotional abuse is what it is and it hurts. I want it to work but just dont know how to change his mimdset

[KIP.]

It’s not upto you to change his mindset. Sadly he is changing your mindset. Educate yourself on the dynamics of abusive relationships. Lundy Bancroft ‘WhyDoes He Do That’ is a great book. I loved my ex but no amount of loving him will make him stop trying to control you. Love does not bully or hurt or stunt our growth or happiness. What happens is he makes your life difficult when you do things he doesn’t want you to do. Eventually you will change your behaviour to suit him. You will stop doing things that make you happy. Reasonable things that supportive partners encourage, like socialising and spending time with family. It’s just what abusive partners do.

[KIP.]

Ring the helpline number on here for some advice, it’s manned by lovely ladies who will explain what’s happening to you.

[Iwantmeback]

Please reach out to women’s aid. He’s trying to get you to think its okay not to have a support network. My oh did the sane, I no longer go anywhere unless it’s with a family member that he’s okay with because she’s older, doesn’t stop him badmouthing her though. Everything he ‘ll tell you sounds reasonable logical even, but deep down in your gut you know it’s not right. Please listen to yourself. Xx

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