Is it abuse? Advice needed and a friendly ear

[TinkaBella]

This is my first post on here and like many of the things I’ve read, I’m not sure whether what I’m experiencing is abuse or not. As i write this I feel a fraud but I feel better just letting my feelings out.
I’ve not been happy for a while and feel deep down that something is wrong. My partner can be very rude and puts me down a lot – which he sometimes passes off as banter; I’m sure he uses emotional blackmail and our child to make me feel guilty about things; if I stick up for myself I’m getting mouthy or have a problem; everything is always my fault and he seems to have double standards; I don’t feel supported in anything and it’s like he’s constantly trying to put me down; my opinion is always wrong or stupid and if I try to talk about anything we disagree about it always ends in an argument, or rather him swearing and storming off.
What really affected me was an incident that happened last week…I had just come down stairs from putting our child to bed and the house was still a mess. I asked if he could do more to help, to which he became very rude and aggressive, calling me a torrent of vile names. I snapped back and he pushed me, not hard but with enough force I stumbled back and (removed by moderator). He then walked away. When he came back a few hours later I thought he would apologise but instead (removed by moderator) next time I spoke to him like that I’d get knocked out. I wasn’t sure if he was joking but there was a serious tone I’m sure.
Things have been better since but that’s probably because i dare not disagree, ask anything of him, or challenge him on anything.
However saying that another incident happened (removed by moderator), not physical though which is why I feel bad taking up this space. My partner was in a bad mood as soon as he got home from work (he works full time and I work part time then look after our child the rest of the week…although he does not see that as ‘work’ and will not help me round the house as he has been out working all week and is tired). Anyway I tried to ask what was wrong or whether I had done something (silly I know) to which he completely snapped – “(removed by moderator)”. I replied how dare he talk to me like that, to which he said “f**k off” and he hopes I (removed by moderator). This is a regular pattern…him being that rude, aggressive and abusive, then after a few hours it just seems forgotten about.
It probably sounds very ignorant but I don’t believe he’s a horrible person, do you think he even realises what he’s doing?
I don’t even know what I want moving forward to be honest…if anyone is in control financially it’s me (although he does have a gambling problem).
I’m not isolated, although he does refuse to do things with my friends & family so I end up doing them without him. He barely has a good word to say about any of them and it almost becomes a taboo subject.
He tells me he is depressed & on the verge of suicide (somehow I always end up feeling sorry for him!) and I’m the only one he can talk to, so I would feel too guilty kicking him out. And we do have fun together. He says I always focus too much on the negative. Sorry I have probably gone on enough for a first post!

[Camel]

Hi TinkaBella

Welcome to the forum. The fact that you’ve found your way here is proof enough that you know something is very wrong. Please, never apologise here.

Yes, your partner is abusive.

Physically (shoving, shouting, threatening violence.)

Emotionally (putting you down, demeaning you, not allowing you to voice opinions, shutting down arguments by walking off, acting like nothing happened, threatening suicide.)

You’re already walking on eggshells, changing how you behave to avoid triggering an outburst. He’s also working up to isolating you, in my opinion anyway. If you find that it’s easier just not to see or talk about certain people, it’s started.

You don’t have to be repeatedly beaten to a pulp before you can say you’re being abused.

Keep coming back to the forum and read other posts.

[TinkaBella]

Thank you so much for your response. I am finding it very helpful reading other post. I can see now a recent situation where he tried to isolate me using emotional blackmail…we have wanted a little break somewhere in this country for a while, I agreed but said to avoid one particular date as I was doing something for (removed by moderator). Well of course he became fixated with this date but I’m pleased to say I stuck to my guns. Beginning to wonder if it was worth it now though as he is being just vile…saying things like how can I chose my friend over our daughters happiness! That must be emotional blackmail.
In your view does abuse get worse…so even though he is not violent as such now it could be leading up?

[Camel]

Just a thought – maybe some other ladies know more about this – but I think it’s common for abuse to become physical after the birth of a child. It’s when you are most vulnerable. And possibly there’s an element of jealousy as your main focus has shifted from him to the baby.

[Beautifulday]

hi @Tinkabella and welcome to the forum.

I completely agree with @Camel that yes you are in an abusive relationship , you say he shoved you a little bit ? This is physical abuse and saying he hopes you break your neck and threatening to “knock you out?” This is intimidation and threatening behaviour. I know because I’ve been through it myself the past decade and still going through it but have had realisation since June after joining the forum.

He tells you to F off and says horrid things this is exactly like my H then he acts as though nothing happened, this is what they do its all the cycle of abuse Google it if you can, and also look up trauma bonding and intermittent reinforcement this is when they are horrible then do nice things its a drip drip effect slowly but surely they get into our grads make us doubt ourselves,make us shells of our former selves and this is what they want.

You have made the first crucial step lovely and it takes courage to do so , well done! From now on its about gaining knowledge, strength and formulating a plan to leave if that’s what you want.

I would really recommend calling your local womens aid as they are so helpful and will also tell you yes its abuse, you say you have friends and family thats brilliant! Him not wanting to do things with them is his way of isolating you from them as you gradually start to think maybe there is something wrong with them like I did, its their plan. He sounds like a covert n********t.

Keep posting lovely we are here for you xx

[Camel]

Hi TinkaBella

In my experience the abuse always gets worse. I don’t mean that it will necessarily escalate to physical assaults. What abusers do is continually move the goalposts to keep you off balance.

For example, at the start of the relationship your partner might say he doesn’t like you talking to your male friend on Facebook. He’ll tell you how his ex cheated on him so now he has trust issues. There will be nothing you can say to reassure him so eventually you stop contacting your friend. Then he’ll move on to accusing you of flirting with the barman. After that, he’ll cause a row every time you go out without him. He’ll start to call you at work and expect you to pick up straight away. He’ll insist on picking you up from work or the pub, claim to be concerned for your safety. He’ll turn up uninvited on your girls night out. He’ll be rude to your family, argumentative with your friends. Before you know what’s happened you’ve stopped going out. It’s just not worth the drama.

No relationship ever looks controlling at the start. We’d run a mile if it did. It’s a steady piling on of new rules. And we go along with it because we don’t see the big picture. We’re worn out with arguing and defending ourselves. We think that he’ll be happy…if we just give in to this one little thing…

[Anonymous]

Hi hun,
i agree with what the others have put, you are in an abusive relationship. He will say things to make you doubt that, this is his way of keeping control, gaslighting you and making out you are the crazy one or the one in the wrong.
you will find many effective tools here, get in touch with your local womens aid, they can set u up with an adviser who can help you in a more personal way, and some places do run courses “the freedom programme” is a great one for showing you what abuse really looks like, it opened my eyes up alot to a whole world of abusive techniques that i didnt even realise existed! and then the power to change is brilliant for getting your self esteem back. good luck

[TinkaBella]

Thank you for all the supportive comments. I am learning so much from reading all the posts on here and will definitely look into the freedom programme. Thank you x*x

[Author]

Posts