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1st September 2020 at 5:25 pm #113042DrainedParticipant
Hello, I’m new here and I’d like some advice.
I was in a relationship in the past that was both physically and emotionally abusive. I don’t know if it has messed with my perception because I feel like my current relationship is also an abusive one. Though I could be imagining things.
Basically my current partner ‘loves me so much’ to the point where he tries to fix and control everything. As soon as I feel a negative emotion he has to stop it, even if is causing me more pain. He will talk none stop at me, then get angry at me, sometimes becoming mean and sarcastic and saying hurtful things or putting words into my mouth, then when I end up in tears, he hugs me and apologises and says he never meant for any of that to happen. He says he’s tired and he didn’t want me to be upset. He then calms me down and makes me feel silly for getting upset.
He has a tendency to prolong arguments that he is (detail removed by moderator). Even when I’m on the floor begging him to stop and to just leave me alone, he keeps on going. Or if I get angry because of it, he makes me feel like I’m overreacting and that none of it had to happen because he was only trying to help.
His favorite thing to say lately is that he (detail removed by moderator) after he has upset me
And that’s the reason why he got angry and talked to me horribly.
I constantly feel like I’m not allowed to…well….feel. Emotions are bad. If I experience anything negative, I have to hide it. If I disagree with him, I have to hide it. If not, it’ll end up in a (detail removed by moderator) argument where I’m desperately saying anything to try and end it. But then he gets upset because I’m only saying it to end the argument.
It’s like no matter which path I take, it’s wrong and the arguments still go on.
If I’ve asked him to do something and he hasn’t done it, if it’s no trouble I’ll end up trying to do it myself. But then I get yelled at, because he’s doing it. But if I sit back down, I’ll get yelled at because he’s ‘not trying to control me’ and I can do what I want. But that’s the thing, I don’t feel like I can. I can’t keep up.
He has punched walls, doors and even himself when he is angry. But I don’t feel like he would ever physically hurt me. It is mainly emotional, which is taking it’s toll on me.
I get so drained and fed up. I’ve tried a few times to desperately end the relationship but he just talks at me and says all these nice things and says he’s not doing the things I say and that they were never his intentions. That he loves me and I mean so much to him and he doesn’t want to lose me. I get so tired I can’t be bothered to keep trying to end it.
He tells me all the time he hasn’t done or said something, even though he has. He seems to remember intentions and not what actually happened. He gets me questioning everything.
I never expected to meet someone so nice after my last relationship. Someone who supports me and takes care of me. I thought i was so lucky.
But honestly, now, this relationship drains me more than the last one, and that had real violence in it. It’s become smothering and overwhelming. I’m constantly walking on eggshells. I’m constantly drained.
He’s not a horrible person and I don’t think he is doing anything on purpose. I don’t think he seeks to hurt me. I don’t know what’s what anymore. Maybe I am just imagining it, because of past experience. Maybe he does just love me and I’m the problem?
1st September 2020 at 8:17 pm #113048HunkyDoryParticipant
Hi and welcome Drained. Absolutely 100% abusive in my opinion. The fact you’re walking on eggshells says it all. You should never have to do that in a good relationship. The fact you’ve tried to end it more than once and he hasn’t “let” you… I really think you need to get out of this one. Punching walls and himself is only a short step away from being violent to you. I never though my ex would be violent towards me, because he was lovely too.
Be careful when ending a relationship like this because their behaviour can escalate. I’d recommend you get in touch with Women’s Aid and they’ll help you with a plan.
You deserve better and to feel energised and relaxed and happy in a relationship. Not tense and drained and exhausted.
All the best XX
1st September 2020 at 8:18 pm #113049HunkyDoryParticipant
.. also, he is doing it on purpose. He knows exactly what he’s doing and how it upsets you because you’ve told him and still he does it. You’re being totally suppressed here and you can’t be yourself. Xx
2nd September 2020 at 10:45 am #113057iliketeaParticipant
Hi @drained, yes definitely is abuse, no, you are definitely not crazy. Pretty much these two questions are always answered like this here on this forum. Honestly, if you read back, always always the same. I’ve been out a while and haven’t been on the forum much for the last couple of weeks so I’m not sure how long you’ve been on so I’m going to bump some posts that came up during lockdown that other women found really helpful. They might help you gain an insight into your situation and help you understand what you’re experiencing. Its not easy this. Its not easy getting to this realisation stage but it is a hell of a lot easier than living in a situation of escalating domestic abuse. I could have written your post, I think I probably did, a few years ago. I didn’t think it would escalate either, but it did. They always seem to get worse. The weird thing about abuse is it always seems to follow the same pattern. Its a steep learning curve but its well worth the effort to try and read up and understand what you’re dealing with. It’ll help untangling from it, and ultimately to disassociate and get out. If that’s what you want? Going to bump some posts. Take your time with them, be kind to yourself. The basic advice that is always given is start reading up and learning, start building up a support network of professionals (GP, work, domestic abuse agency, counselling) and trusted friends too, you’ve got to start telling people, sharing what’s going on. Its hidden this type of abuse, which is why it proliferates and flourishes for years and years in some situations. It is about Power and Control. This all sounds ominous and scary but the key to remember it isn’t always like the media portrays (but it sounds like you have experienced a physical abuse situation anyway), it isn’t always surveillance either, another one the media love to portray. There are however some very similar traits, in all of it.
Key books – “Why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft he’s the guru on domestic abuse, amazing book, bit of a bible, if you get it you will be referring back to it all the time, and Healing from Hidden Abuse, the Covert Passive Aggressive N********t ticked a lot of boxes for me too. Last two on Audible, so worth the time and effort to listen to them.
Going to bump now, stay strong, you’ll be ok, start concentrating on you, on healing, on getting strong, on finding the strength to get out.
10th September 2020 at 12:14 am #113357CamelParticipant
I see it’s been a while since you posted. I hope you’re OK.
I found it really painful to read your post. You wonder whether you’re going crazy and yes, in a way, you are. Your partner is systematically and deliberately messing with your head. You KNOW what happened but he’s consistently telling you it didn’t happen. Or saying things happened when you KNOW they didn’t. It has a name, gas-lighting.
You were love-bombed at the start, basically coerced into a relationship with a fraud. There is nothing to like or love about this man or the relationship. In essence you’re his emotional hostage, bullied and abused into staying. Too afraid of what might happen to just leave.
This man doesn’t love you ‘too much’. He doesn’t love you enough.
You say, “He’s not a horrible person and I don’t think he is doing anything on purpose. I don’t think he seeks to hurt me.” I say, Yes, he is. Yes, he is. Yes, he does.
Please get support from WA to extricate yourself safely. It’s your right to leave. It’s your right to be happy.
10th September 2020 at 1:09 am #113360CamelParticipant
I also went from one abusive relationship straight into another. But because the abuse was different it took me a few months to realise. I too was happy to find someone who seemed lovely and supportive. He wasn’t controlling. But he was a compulsive liar, a sponger, a drug addict, lazy and a cheat. I allowed him to move in with me when they cut off his electric. I fed him, did his laundry. I went to work while he watched daytime telly sprawled on my sofa. Once I came home early on purpose, just to catch him out doing b****r all. He nearly cr*pped himself, literally fell off the sofa. In one way I could write him up as merely a wrong’un, not an abuser. Except he gas-lighted me, made me question reality, made me feel crazy, responsible for his well-being above my own. And all the while telling me how caring and considerate he was.
Drained, I know I had it easy compared to you. It sounds like your current partner weighed in with heavy-duty manipulation and control right from the start. It’s so easy to be swept up in it all, especially when they’re so d**n good at it. It’s easy for us to be fooled into thinking that the ‘lovely’ man who wooed us at the start is the reality. That we can get this version back, if only we do this or that. But that version was fake. In every single case of abuse we’re coerced into falling in love with an illusion, a fraudster, a conman. They know what they’re doing and they do it well.
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