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    • #104519
      Bela
      Participant

      I’m in difficult situation at the moment as I expierencing separation from my partner.
      I would like to write all our story to you that you would be able understand the situation and advice me. I’m sorry that it’s very long. Would like to get advice how it’s looks everything from the side and do you think if I’m fault of everything what happened or my ex partner is wrong, or we both wrong. I’m expierencing depression or anxiety as well if all what happened…

      We have been together for over (removed by moderator) years. I came for him from Lithuania to uk. I didn’t knew that time that he talk to me with intensions to get documents as he was not legal in uk that time. Later when I came and started meeting he told me the true that he had intensions get from me documents to live legally in uk. but also he said that he started to like me before I came as we was talking on camera everyday. He tell me that we can be together if I like him and with time he will get this documents from being with me. So we started live together. I started feel that he loves me after some time. He wasn’t bad to me, but he was not want to tell his family about me. He said that he can tell them only when he will go to his country to see them. I was all this years not feel secured for this as I thought that he can leave me anytime if things will not works.

      Now I will write about abuse. As we was from different countries,cultures I didn’t understood his situation fully as I was young. Once I said something bad I think about that I don’t want work (as from beginning he lie to me that he has business and later start talk that I need to work once I arrived in uk) and I mension (removed by moderator) and he hit me first time. I said not nice about his family Becouse I didn’t understood the situation. He slap me on face becouse he get angry. It was first time when he done that so I left the flat and went to cry in corridor. He run after me apologise me and said that he will never do it again. I believed. I also blamed myself that I made him angry with my talk.

      Later we still was having arguments time from time and I don’t remember what happen next time when he hit me. I think I was not understood something and get angry , talk not nice and he hit me again. I told to home owner that he abuse me so home owner told me that I can live in flat alone and I knew that I can’t as I was new in uk with no much money not very good job. I was afraid to be alone plus I was loved my ex. My ex find out that I talked to the owner and get very very angry he shouted on me and was keep slapping my face many times, spitting on me,swearing.telling me that he is leaving me.i beg him to stay. I was so not confident on myself and was thinking that I can’t live without him. He stayed but he explain to me why he was get so angry Becouse in his culture women can’t share the personal life with others she needs to speak about issues with her partner. For him it was like I betrayed him, he said. So we lived together and some arguments with abuse was keep coming. I just don’t know if I’m fault that he was getting abusive or it’s his fault. That’s why I want to write about couple more situations. To help me to understand how it looks.

      The third time what I remember then he hit me (it could be many more after not the third I just can’t remember everything now) was when I told something bad about his mother. I think I said bad about her Becouse he wasn’t going with me out in off days just when he get day off he was going out alone and speaking with his family back home for hours. I felt very sad, not understood for that,Becouse each off day I was hoping that we will go somewhere even for a walk and he used to promise me that he will but we never go. And I had only him in this country. All what I do was working, when cooking food waiting for him coming home when spending time at evenings together but in off days he was never taking me somewhere. So out of frustration that he not gives me more time I told him bad about his mother (I was young and silly) and he kicked me (removed by moderator). He told me to lie my work (removed by moderator). The muscles was hurt but no other injury. He said after what happen he felt bad that he kicked me, but it wasn’t stop. Later we had arguments again of him not giving me attention enough in those off days so he was getting aggressive hit me or harassed me to hit me if I will not stop talk why I’m unhappy. He out of control (detail removed by moderator).

      I used to cry after that alone at home and he went outside like always (removed by moderator). I changed my off days different from his later Becouse I knew we will not go nowhere together. He didn’t mind it at all. Seems we was loved each other but not understood each other Becouse arguments was keep coming. But we felt happy. He wasn’t bad he gave me money to go on holidays back home. After I came he met me (removed by moderator) in airport. He started talk what if we married. I wanted married but I said first he needs to engaged to me. He said in his country they don’t do engaging. Even where is some ceremony. Anyways later one day when I was at work he called to me and said that we can married today.i was felt not happy Becouse it’s was normal day I didn’t had time to buy a dress or get ready (detail removed by moderator).

      after that my (removed by moderator) came to uk to study. My ex was against that (removed by moderator) would come as we didn’t had a flat we just rented that time a room and we didn’t had much money. But I didn’t understood the situation fully and wanted my brother to come.so I didn’t listen my ex. We lived in one room (detail removed by moderator). Later we start have problems Becouse of my (removed by moderator). Ex didn’t felt comfortable but he didn’t say nothing.i was feeling sometimes stress of my (removed by moderator) as few times he wasn’t coming home until late and I didn’t knew where he is. Later we had to move out as (removed by moderator). Later we moved to one other place all three together but it was still just a room. In that place I had conflict with ex and he abuse me again out of control. So I tell that home landlord and landlord said that we should take all of his staff put it outside and not let him to come back. We done that. Even I felt sad that I doing that to ex. After that he went live somewhere with his friends (detail removed by moderator) I was going to my night shifts and he used to go play snooker with friends after work. So it wasn’t much communication but things get a bit better as at least one time we went out. (removed by moderator) But in alI wasn’t happy with ex Becouse he not used to answer to my messages,ignore all.and he wasn’t financially adding money for food to buy for home. (Now I understand he was helping (removed by moderator) before so once I’ll start earn more he didn’t felt that he need to add or maybe he didn’t had much either). We had arguments and again landlord of the house was tell me that he shouldn’t not live here if he behave bad.i tell ex to leave.he left.i wasn’t feel good without him either and wanted him come back.we lived separate for few months until I finally made him come back. (Removed by moderator) went to live separated I paid his rent even my ex was paid his rent once or twice. Later we found new place to live nicer. We was happy but time to time had conflicts. I maybe was young and silly Becouse I remember if I felt not understood or that he talk to me not nice I didn’t go to work. So our relantionship affected my work a lot. I sometimes wasn’t working much.or few months not working between changing jobs.my ex financially was supporting me. He wasn’t happy that I don’t work properly Becouse that could have affected later if we apply for his documents. If he will get it or not. Becouse I felt not understood,not loved and Becouse of abuse I start talk to some man online. I told him everything and he told very much liked me (removed by moderator)so that moment I get jealous and angry I told him to delete her number and that I’m not going speak with that boy too.(detail removed by moderator) I told my family member about that ex abused me and I can’t be with him.so he called police and police questioned me.after that they told me that my ex can go to jail.and I should delete all details on social media.i didn’t even talked with that boy as I felt kind of relief like I can breath again and make my life again from new.but one day I turned my laptop and get messages from me ex friend that my ex very upset not eating not drinking he can’t do anything.and he asked me to meet him.i felt sad for ex as I thought maybe he really cares of me.we met and decided try from new everything.

      But next day we was going with ex I think to the police take my statements back and after in train I asked him some question and he slap me. (removed by moderator)But he wasn’t really coming much or caring later start keep distance didn’t answer phone. I felt heartbroken. I went to his workplace talk to him and he called me names said that he don’t care.i felt so much hurt.(removed by moderator)I told him that if he will not helps me get new place I will tell police about him Becouse when I was asking him nice to help me he ignored. I’m not sure why that he scared or he felt bad on the end for me but he found a place. He was sometimes come to see me. (removed by moderator)We started talk that we want be together after he will get released.im not sure if he really wanted be with me but he was telling me that yes.later he get released and get the documents.while he was in detention centre he was telling me that once he will get out we will go first to my country and later he can go to his(detail removed by moderator) He become angry didn’t talked to me.blamed me that he lost it. Before that he wasn’t caring for me and I felt distance so I couldn’t work I was in so much stress. I lost my job when tried get new one but I didn’t get it and it was hard for me to cope Becouse he never supported me emotionally.not spend time with me so I felt not safe at all.he was unhappy that I didn’t work as he couldn’t again apply for his document if I don’t work and I couldn’t start work Becouse he wasn’t coming home until middle of night,not answering phone,not talking with me openly..and not spending time together almost.he was emotionally closed from me.i was also had in house some issues with landlord and telling him all that and asked him to solve he most of time ignored,or didn’t even made me feel ok with that issues that he supports me. I felt very bad depressed all days I was just cleaning home and waiting till he comes home at nights I hoped that he finally tells me why he not coming home at nights I asked him many times talk to me about things but he didn’t.i wanted solve it he didnt.he also was keep telling me that he don’t have money.(detail removed by moderator)

      Later we had to move to other house Becouse we had problem with landlord.my ex wanted her from her agreement and she didn’t gave us even promised in the beginning.he wanted that agreement Becouse he needed to have agreement for applying for his residence card again.

      Also he refused to pay to landlord rent until she don’t get agreement so one day she just took us out of house. We didn’t had where to stay.i don’t know how my ex didn’t had money even he had business.he might spend his money in casinos as later I find out that he was going here sometimes.

      (Detail removed by moderator) My ex was become different at home stop swear on me and start do things like cleaning home witch he never did before. I saw that he is afraid that I can tell police about him. (detail removed by moderator)i was really fed up with his lies and that he not care not help swearing on me so I said to him that I’m going to leave that it’s enough for me. He didn’t even wanted talk with me just play the phone all day non stop. (detail removed by moderator).i also feel sad too.its hard to broke up after so many years together even we was not understanding each other a lot and he lies to me and I behaved wrong. I for few past days was giving him tea or food he bring from shop what I need like before.seems few days it’s fine. I was also asking him if we can meet after I move (even thought when I get flat I really thought I shouldn’t be with him again) he said ok we can.i asked him if we can try fix everything if I’ll be clever and hood by myself can he be good he said will see.but also when I asked him if he wants apply later for documents again he said no.and I asked again what about me if he wants communicate he said no. (removed by moderator)i also don’t need him if he not values me.so I dint know how it will be.i think time will shows. But why I wrote all this story..I want someone read and tell from the side opinion how it’s looks everything? Does he loves me or manipulate me? Do I fault that he abused me or he isn’t right? It’s very difficult to understand everything by myself Becouse I think and I hurt him and he hurt me. One I know that he was dishonest that he lies somethings to me and I don’t know if his intensions was really pure towards me or he just wanted get those documents..

      I know that I suffer of this relantionship I would not trust someone now quickly, would be hard to open up in future to new partner if I will ever feel ready know someone.as this expierence seems like I was living in hell from one side..from other hand I was really love him and I still love and I felt happy too many times. I don’t even want broke up with him even I know he wasn’t honest to me always…can you please advice me what to do..

    • #104546
      Wants To Help
      Participant

      Hi Bela,

      Yes, this is abuse, you have been manipulated and abused, assaulted, lied to and pushed to your limits. Contact you local Domestic Abuse Service in your area (you will find it by Googling it) and speak to them for some advice and help. You may also need to speak to an Immigration Solicitor too. Some charities for migrants offer free sessions for an hour to seek advice, it’s worth Googling Migrant Services in your area to see if they have them.

      You are hurt and he HAS hurt you.

      It is good that you both have somewhere separate to stay now. Do not contact him, you need this man out of your life. You need to keep your own safe place and not allow him in to it. He may say he loves you, but ask yourself this: Does he nurture me? Does he enhance my well-being? Does he a) complement my life or b) complicate it? If the answer to those 3 questions is NO, NO and b, then he does not love you.

    • #104551
      Bela
      Participant

      Hello, thank you very much for answer.i really tried to write everything that it looks fair, but in all he has done many things for what I was upset,disrespected and hurt. He broken many things when was get angry at home,hidden his phone from me,I also called him sometimes bad,lier,swear on him but out of frustration or not understanding him as he not explain properly to me many things. I might too much was blame him but also I think he coused me be like this. He yesterday swear on me few times when we was talking out of nothing.and also he don’t finishing conversation how it must to be finished with agreement and understanding. He blames me what I was always wrong and he was good. I feel that my ex was thinking When all the time he was telling me if I’m not happy to move that I will scared be without him and agree to pay rent alone and also that I will be doing what he says (like working even I felt emotionally horrible,not safe with him,not cared).now he saw that I’m really moving out and he was in some kind of stress but tried to not show that to me.he saw that I don’t follow his manipulations no more.
      I’m moving (removed by moderator) to my new flat.(removed by moderator). I feel in a way strong that I can live on my own,work even inside I feel really not well,sometimes even think that I don’t want to live.but I really need help from someone..I’ll try contact this organisations.as last summer when I went to counselling they told me that I need contact other place as it was involve abuse.
      My ex offer me help to move everything in to my new flat,but my (removed by moderator) said no he don’t want that ex would know our new address, so I will move it with (removed by moderator) help.i will not tell ex where I lived as he was harassed me before even if he don’t do nothing I don’t want risk. He was harassed me last summer that if I will tell home office about him he will hurt me.also years ago was telling me that he will hurt me or (removed by moderator). I really feel inside that he just cares about his status in uk. (removed by moderator).i feel like I can’t teust him fully, I don’t know what is true what is lies from him. And I do believe that he not love me anymore from long time.
      So thank you so much for your answer I’ll try call to those people and get help..

    • #104554
      Bela
      Participant

      He told me (removed by moderator) that it’s good that he that we will not contact each other as I’ll be able work when. I think he said it that in case he will not contact me but feel safe in uk that I will not report home office that he isn’t with me and they will not look for him.(detail removed by moderator).

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