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    • #45723
      Angelic
      Participant

      So, to say I had a bad relationship with my dad growing up is an understatement. I don’t know where to start.

      I realised the hypocrisy when I was around (detail removed by Moderator) years old, when I dropped some pennies on the floor and he stepped on them, screaming (detail removed by Moderator)

      The next day he left his tool kit, open in the middle of the living room floor and I fell over it to his screaming:(detail removed by Moderator)

      This was my first taste of hypocrisy and I knew immediately what it was.

      Another favourite first memory of mine was traipsing down the stairs shouting: “Stop yelling at mummy!”

      He had a terrible temper and was famous for it. People on the phone/companies etc were a target, as well as ourselves, but never his greater family (his parents/brothers/sisters etc)

      But it was just my dad with a bad temper.

      I got bullied quite badly in high school, to which he would say things like: “You’re a failure, no wonder you have no friends”.

      I did extremely well at school (detail removed by Moderator) but didn’t go to university afterwards as he told me we were going to move abroad, as a family. So I didn’t apply to university in the country. A (detail removed by Moderator) later and we had not moved. It seemed clear we wouldn’t.

      I was understandably upset as I had delayed (detail removed by Moderator) years of my life over nothing.

      During that year his abuse became more real. He would throw things, hit the bed with me in it if I wasn’t up at a certain time, call me names. It was horrendous.

      Some times there were good days. He’d encourage me to learn to drive.

      Others were bad. He didn’t acknowledge when I did apply and get into university and said I wouldn’t be able to handle it on my own (I’d been bullied in high school and he said I needed his help).

      When I had learned to drive he bought me a car. But some days I wasn’t allowed to drive it.

      I joined a (detail removed by Moderator) and on the day of (detail removed by Moderator) he took the keys to the car and said I’d been too late the day before coming home so he wouldn’t let me go. I was devastated.

      Eventually I did go to university and just left. I called a taxi and left my suitcase (detail removed by Moderator).

      When it arrived, I seized my chance and ran out (detail removed by Moderator), but somehow (even though he’d been upstairs), he’d seen what was going on and grabbed me before I’d gotten in.

      Eventually the taxi driver called the police (they didn’t believe him when he said I was mentally unstable) and I got out.

      Then I made the biggest mistake of my life. I quit.

      I’d had problems adjusting and found the other kids in my dorm really immature (considering what they had come from compared to what I had it was no wonder – they were all (detail removed by Moderator) kids, I had better grades than most of them but from a very (detail removed by Moderator) background with that kind of abuse and no money – they had parents who bought them Bentley cars, I could bear afford Primark clothes).

      My mum had gotten seriously ill so I went back (detail removed by Moderator). She’d been diagnosed with (detail removed by Moderator).

      But I realised going back to live with him that it was abuse and I couldn’t stay.

      Even though I had problems at university, I never had a raised voice with anyone, once. To come back to the constant yelling and screaming, him blocking doorways and not letting you out of a certain room, or conversely, chasing you into the garden was unbearable.

      I went into a woman’s refuge. To say it was tough was an understatement.

      The refuge was not free to stay at, so my choices were ESA or get a job. They told me to go on ESA, but me (not realising the extent of my emotional problems) I got a full time job at a (detail removed by Moderator) instead.

      My dad did not let me go easily (even though by this time I was (detail removed by Moderator)) and did everything he could to track me down.

      But eventually I saved enough for my own place and got out; I built up a relationship with my dad again, albeit I never let him know where I lived and that was the unspoken rule.

      The life was not one I had envisioned for myself, but it was secure and stable and I lived it for (detail removed by Moderator) years.

      Now here’s the crux of the matter. In that time my mum died and I saw a massive shift in my dad and how he treated me. He became a different person.

      The (detail removed by Moderator) after I got out he tried to yell at me and then immediately calmed down after I told him I was going back to mine.

      Since then he has not yelled at me once. He has been nothing but kind and supportive, the entire time (this will be the last (detail removed by Moderator) years). No yelling. No name-calling. Nothing physical. He is a shoulder to cry on. He has offered to help me out financially. He is a completely different person.

      Now I’m in my (detail removed by Moderator) and have more stability and decided to go back to university.

      However, the only decent uni in my area is (detail removed by Moderator) commute by train.

      He has brought a property (detail removed by Moderator) and has offered to let me stay there rent free.

      My question is: I know he is still an abuser at heart. My sister remained at home, and he turned his scapegoating on her (she tried to commit suicide at one point).

      However, he will not be living with me and it is such a good offer instead of renting privately in today’s very unstable private market.

      He doesn’t even live in that town, and whilst I am certain his kind demeanour will somewhat be changed, i have many more friends now and more stability and he is getting old and has recently lost most of his closest friends, (detail removed by Moderator) and our mum (his wife), and I think the power dynamic has shifted.

      I have had viewings of other properties, but some of the landlords of them I don’t trust either and I have a LOT of stuff that I will have nowhere to store/have to get rid of, whereas my dad’s place is big enough to keep them.

      I don’t trust him, but I absolutely cannot stay in my town for (detail removed by Moderator) or I will fail (I already had to hand in assignments late due to working and commuting on top of uni).

      It sounds weird but I feel that the money I save from living there will give me more security to move away from him permanently post graduation in the long run.

      But then another part of me says: this is crazy, how can you go back to someone you fought to get away from?

      Yet, today’s world really is tough. And I’ve met so many people in work situations that are abusive and there is no benefit to knowing them. At least with him, he can be generous (even if abusive at times) and I feel like this is a not ideal but temporary situation.

      I asked my sister for advice and she is equally torn. At first she said: take it.

      But recently she has attempted to leave home and he has tried his old tricks of demonization and harassment ((detail removed by Moderator) if she doesn’t text for (detail removed by Moderator) days – and she is (detail removed by Moderator) years old).

      I read somewhere that abusers are emotionally dependant on their victims, and they actually don’t have anger problems, it is all about control. I realised this is true of him. And why he can calm down from his rage so quickly if I threaten to go.

      I just want to believe in him and this new person that he has become. I REALLY want to trust him, but I don’t think I can.

      Any thoughts?

      I know if I was replying I would reply immediately – don’t trust him. But it is hard. Considering there seems to be abuse everywhere nowadays, and this situation would give me the time and money to make a better future for myself in the long run.

    • #45727
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      Hi there,

      Go with your gut. I am currently living with my parents who have been abusive but in a more sublte way. I am trying extremely hard to move out. I would never ever want to move back in with them, I see independence as the goal and the way out from abuse. I don’t trust them, like you said you don’t trust your dad.

      It’s wonderful that you’re going back to uni and have built up such stability in your life. You say you know he is an abuser. Abusers love to destabilise us – it’s a very real possibility that he will ruin your uni experience like he did the first time. They are always charming when we have escaped and the abuse starts up again once we’re back under their control. The fact that your sister tried to commit suicide due to his abuse is extremely alarming and I would think that both of you should stay well clear of him for your own safety and sanity.

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