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    • #109889
      Lemonade99
      Participant

      Hello, I’m new to this so bare with me especially if it is long post 🤦🏽‍♀️.
      I’ve been with my partner for (detail removed by Moderator) years, he liked me since we was in (detail removed by Moderator) school and finally got together. At first was great but we got together on a lie , I found out back then he was doing drugs & I left because my own personal feelings towards it he promised he’d stopped so we tried again (wasn’t til (detail removed by Moderator) I found out he hadn’t stopped at all), he drinks almost every weekend to point he has no idea what happened the next day – at first it wasn’t a problem but then we moved out of his moms house & it was like something went off in him we started arguing more he became livid with me and I’d have no idea why punching walls, screaming in my face, throwing his phone, telling me who was I with before his going to stab them etc. This is all when his drunk, but then once before went to work he started screaming at me & I admit I pushed him but only because he stepped forward and I was genuinely scared he was going to hit me , he then grabbed my T-shirt and dragged me out the room went to work like nothing happened. It was me saying sorry to him! His mom is now involved & knows everything as he got drunk and hit his (detail removed by Moderator), I tried to get him off her & he went for me too so I left the house *silly me only for (detail removed by Moderator) days* I forgave him for punching, pushing talking to me like I’m nothing all when I was around (detail removed by Moderator) something weeks pregnant. He is no longer allowed home after his been out drinking. The next day is always the same, I’ll change I’ll help around the house more I love you I’m sorry etc. But nothings changed in (detail removed by Moderator) years and to be honest I’m exhausted.
      He also has spoken to other girls, when I find out it’s my fault for looking then he’ll fill my head that It’s only me etc. On (detail removed by Moderator) our (detail removed by Moderator) year anniversary he followed back one girl who he called beautiful (to boost her confidence apparently) I found out (detail removed by Moderator) and it’s my fault again for going on his (detail removed by Moderator) page, he doesn’t think his done anything wrong… I don’t want to feel 2nd best or I have to compete for him & ive made that clear to him but he don’t understand that’s what I’m trying to say.
      I’m a full time student, left work (detail removed by Moderator) due to (detail removed by Moderator) wanted to better myself – he is awful with money but claims he needs to work in order to pay bills in the (detail removed by Moderator) months we’ve been here I’ve had (detail removed by Moderator) payments off him my student loan has paid for it all. It’s the end of year so I won’t get a payment until September now so I am fully dependent on him at the moment but the more we argue, something happens, the more time i find myself scrolling through these forums. Realised I do want out for sake of myself & my daughter (detail removed by Moderator) weeks Pregnant (detail removed by Moderator). But I can’t tell my family what’s going on & they live too far & im scared to leave to start over because I’ll be on my arse & alone more than anything , I’ve not been on my own once in (detail removed by Moderator) years.

    • #109891
      Eggshells
      Participant

      It is very usual to feel scared about leaving. The thought of being on your own can be overwhelming but you won’t be on your own. You’ll have your baby and you may well find that your university is very understanding and helpful.

      Being a single mum can be hard but lots of people manage it. Being a mum in an abusive relationship can be even harder but people manage that too.

      When it comes down to it, we have the capacity to cope with a great deal. I guess the question is, which situation would you find harder to cope with – living with him or living without him?

      I lived in unhappy ignorance. I didn’t understand that what I was experiencing was domestic abuse so I stuck it out. Once I did realise what was happening, living with him became a real ordeal. Life is not great for me at the moment but at least I am not on tenter hooks the whole time. I can be me now and parent my grown children in the way that I want to.

      Can you pinpoint exeactly what it is about being on your own is worrying you?

      • #109907
        Lemonade99
        Participant

        I’m only (detail removed by Moderator) and I’ve never been in this type of situation. I think it’s because I do love him & think so much of him that I partly don’t want it to actually be true that all this stuff could happen to me. And now there’s a baby involved, I’m too scared to tell midwifes in fear of what will be said as I don’t have the most supportive one. I think aswell it’s case of he has told me he can’t go on without me etc & I know his serious about doing something to himself, when I left the house before I had to get his mom to stay with him as he took some of my tablets & drank half bottle of alcohol before passing out… I just wanted to be a family and be able to give my daughter everything but I feel like I’m failing her already.
        I used to be so confident outgoing social life at the moment I have (detail removed by Moderator) people on snap chat (detail removed by Moderator) on Facebook I speak to (detail removed by Moderator) friends and my dad that’s all. I haven’t been out since last (detail removed by Moderator). I had a back bone & wouldn’t of been afraid now I feel so broken I’ve got nothing left.

    • #109898
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Hi Lemonade99

      It sounds like we are living with the same man/boy!

      Do you think the drinking and drugs trigger his behaviour or is he just an abusive person in general?

      Substances aren’t an excuse but may be a cover up for something else going on.

      It’s definitely not a healthy situation to be in and sounds like he’s using you as some kind of meal ticket,you are providing for you and your children,so you don’t need him, he needs you.

      I’m in the same position with my family. They don’t know what’s been fully going on. There have been times he has withheld money for bills and food and disappeared for a few days. Probably squandering the money on drugs and alcohol. These times I’ve had to borrow quite large amounts of money off family at times, I’d make up excuses, but I’m sure they know something as they are not fans of his anyway! When he started doing this I knew I had to start working again myself. The financial abuse side of the abuse comes in all different ways, as I’ve seen first hand.

      And my abuser has told me before that he’s slept with various other women and he had to do it because I wasn’t listening and refusing to sleep with him. It was my fault for that too. That part hurts, quite badly. Especially if you love them, but a man that can cheat on a partnership doesn’t love or respect you- and this is putting all other abuse to the side.

      If he will leave willingly then I think you should ask him to go or if not then take steps to leave yourself. X

      • #109910
        Lemonade99
        Participant

        It’s mainly when he is drunk & on drugs that he is more violent & aggressive. There has been few times when sober but more when influence. His dad died when he was (detail removed by Moderator) that’s the only major thing to happen in his life to date. By what I’ve heard his dad wasn’t a nice man and Dv with his mom so when his drunk he’ll say he might aswell be what everyone thinks my dad was etc etc.
        I know there’s so many people who do it & it can be done been a single mom but it’s so daunting even thinking about it all at the moment.

      • #109914
        Anonymous
        Inactive

        If it’s his addictions then maybe by him getting some help he could stop. It all depends on whether he is willing to accept some help and admit he has a problem. Have you tried talking to him and suggesting rehab etc? I would say if this doesn’t work then it’s because he enjoys his lifestyle and doesn’t want to change. That’s when you should really consider breaking away. He will only drag you and your child down with him.

        I think if having a child doesn’t make these kind of men change, then nothing will! Try talking g to him calmly and see how that goes. Either way I wood say to follow your gut instinct, it’s never usually wrong

        My

    • #109913
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      What’s daunting and what you should be more afraid of than anything else is to continue being with a man who is abusive and who will escalate with his violence.

      Yes, being a single mom can be done. And you can do that. Even though your family is far away is their absolutely no way you could move back to where they are? I would absolutely tell them and seek their support. I had to move a couple of times thousands of miles away with pretty much nothing but my will and determination to do so. Funny how when that one is at play – how doors open for you. Some kind of law of the universe I think because it’s happened for me “alot”. I decide, draw the line in the sand and things start happening for me. It’s not the other way round where you stand behind the door and you’re kinda almost going to say no about things or kinda almost going to think about you not allowing things in your life anymore. It has to be an absolute choice and a stand that you take, no matter what.

      He makes a choice to drink and use drugs. Every single time. He makes a choice when he hits you or anyone else. Boo hoo his father died and all that. I had a horrific childhood and I don’t go around abusing other people because of it and trust me, I am the poster child for having every box ticked off on that list of oh why did she do this?

      If I understood you correctly, you are now pregnant, too? sweetheart, for the sake of yourself, the child you already have and maybe another one on the way here, you need to get away from this little self-absorbed poor excuse for a man who thinks it’s real cute to abuse a woman or anyone for that matter, and that he has every right to do so, all he has to do is say sorry and then go right back and do it again..? Uh, no. One of these times something is going to happen that you won’t ever be able to get over, if you live through it. And your daughter being around all of this is actually child abuse and that is the law on that one. All anyone has to do is make a call and you could have your daughter removed. Something to think about but more importantly what it is doing to “her”. Not okay.

      Maybe it would be a good exercise for you to make a list here of all the consistent characteristics he has that makes you love him and think so much of him. I say consistent because if they aren’t consistent then they aren’t true. Might be good for you to do this. Sometimes putting it in print helps a great deal.

      I don’t think you are down with this kind of behavior much longer because otherwise you wouldn’t be here. You’re young and you need to put this guy in your rear view mirror very very fast because – he is dangerous and once something bad happens, it can’t be undone. Have you reached out to WA other than here on the forum? You can do chat with them, email them, etc.? You are at fork in the road and a decision needs to be made. Nothing crazy about you, nothing that is remotely your fault here. He is who he is and is most likely to stay that way and get much worse. If he was going to smell himself in a serious way and change it would have happened by now, right? If you did all this to him – how do you think that would fly? Of course he wouldn’t take it. But why is it okay for him to do it and get off with – I’m so sorry?

    • #109918
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Hi Lemonade99. Please don’t allow him to use threats of suicide to manipulate you. He is a grown man and responsible for his own mental health. If he genuinely feels that he is at risk of suicide because you leave, then he needs to access support.

      Drink and drugs do not make an abuser. The capacity to abuse comes from within and they use addictions or mental health as an excuse. Neither is having an abusive father an excuse. If his father died when he was (detail removed by Moderator), I doubt he even remembers him. Plenty of us have had an abusive parent that we do remember and it hasn’t made us abusive.

      Whilst he is responsible for his mental health you are responsible for the health (both physical and mental) of yourself and your child so you need to do what is best for the two of you now.

      Whether you choose to stay or go, either option will probably seem very daunting.

      If you haven’t yet contacted your local DV charity, please do so. They should be able to support you in whichever choice you make.

      It’s a shame that you don’t feel that your midlife is very supportive. Could you ask for a different midwife?

      You could also talk to your GP and you might find that once the baby is born, your health visitor will be more supportive.

      Either way, I think it would be really helpful for you to try and access some help right now. If you don’t know where to start, start with Women’s Aid. They will point you in the right direction. Please take care of yourself. xx

    • #110016
      Lemonade99
      Participant

      Hi all! After all your comments&I had a really good think about everything’s&it made me look at everything differently. I didn’t want to end it randomly but it happened that he is speaking to a girl he knows I don’t want in my life due to him cheating with her previously so I had reason if that makes sense. He told me that it is nothing between her but was very defensive when I asked why she’s back if it is nothing, so I made the decision to not be treated like c**p anymore – I have ended the relationship… he is currently sleeping on the sofa until his mom is back home then going back to her house.
      I am heartbroken it has come to this because I still love him, it’s awkward been around him as I have no idea how to act/what to say. We both cried but I’ve said I’m putting my foot down with everything & not going back on my decision.
      I want to thank everyone who has said something on this post, it honestly helped me stand up for myself&think about MYSELF for a change. I finally feel like I’m been an actual parent doing what’s best for her.

    • #110021
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Well done Lemondade99

      He will try and worm his way back in by getting back on your good side but you have to keep reminding yourself of your lo, this will be your strength and knowing she deserves better aswell as yourself. Happy mummy=happy child. Sometimes we think even small children don’t pick up on what’s going on, but they do. We’re the closest people to them,so our moods become their moods. And no man on this earth is worth destroying your child’s childhood for. Keep us updated and good luck xx

      • #110287
        Lemonade99
        Participant

        Hello thank you! We’re still not together & honestly for the better. However it didn’t take long for him to go on the drink & hive had his family on the phone worried about him, his also got online banking (whole relationship never bothered to download it) and take money from our joint bills account to his so he can buy the alcohol so far I’m down (detail removed by Moderator). I see everything so clearly now and I’m thankful I’ve gotten out when I did. Every little thing he does I see the manipulation, the lies everything! & I’m so angry at myself for seeing past it & putting my baby in harms for my own sake😞

      • #110373
        Anonymous
        Inactive

        Good job on sticking to your guns Lemondade99. Always easier if they’re willing to go or just leave you alone without that intervention. I would try and close your joint account down before he spends all of the money on getting drunk!! You made the right choice. You don’t want or need a life like this where drinking and drugs come before your son and yourself. Just concentrate now on getting yourself back to the old you and keeping him away. You and your lo will have a better life for it xx

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