Is it abuse – I need advice

[Barnetfly]

Is it abuse – I need advice

So you know how relationships can have it’s problems well this is a little different.

I need to know that what I am experience/not experiencing is abusive. This is very difficult for me to write as you can understand.

We know we have our issues, who doesn’t. He has anger management issues and other things too, like difficulty controlling his thoughts. I will give you a few examples of what happens… He accuses me of cheating when I go out on my own and when I am on my own and when I am on my phone a lot. He asks who I am talking to and when I say my friends he is very insistent to know. I tell him its one of my male friends so and so. He will start to get angry and say horrible things. So then I feel I cannot talk to them. He also says “go date him then” when I defend my friends or try to say nice things. Now I have no one to talk to.

When he gets angry he hits the walls, doors and his desk but never hits me. This does scare me as he gets bright red and he seems out of control.

Yesterday I was at (detail removed by moderator) and he was obsessively ringing and texting admitting his paranoia. The (detail removed by moderator). Anyway I come home and he is crying saying I am sorry I am a bad boyfriend. We had a chat etc.

We don’t really usually spend much time together because he likes to (detail removed by moderator). Last night he spent the night with me having a (detail removed by moderator) and he wants to do it again tonight. This morning he got up at 6 am to make me breakfast and he has bought me (detail removed by moderator) and he was talking about going on dates etc and he said sorry and he feels embarrassed for his anger management issues and he said he wants to change and he knows he has to deal with it. He said he is going to get an appointment next week.

So I know all this comes from deep routed insecurities and he admitted he was wrong.

Is it abuse because he said sorry and wants to change?

I am also scared to leave because I’m worried he will kill himself because he said he would be dead without me. I just want to help.

I really don’t know what to do because I do really love him so much.

[Chocaholic]

I am sorry to hear what you are going through and I hope you’re okay. I would say the fact that you are scared of his outbursts and there is a controlling side to who you are friends with is definitely abuse. Just because he apologised doesn’t make it okay, my partner apologises a lot and makes promises like this but never follows through. It’s just a way to keep you thinking things will get better xx

[Hawthorn]

Hi Barnetfly,

First off you’re really brave for posting, it takes lots of courage to reach out and begin to share your story.

Sadly yes, what you describe is textbook abuse. One of the first stages is grooming. You are made to feel sorry them (they all have a sob story) and to feel responsible for the abusers emotions and excuse the abuse; insecurities, a bad childhood, anger management issues, maybe an addiction, the abuser may threaten suicide so the victim feels they are responsible for the abusers very life…but ultimately nothing is ever the abusers fault, there’s always an excuse or it’s someone else’s fault or responsibility.

Then comes the isolation; ensuring you have only the abuser to rely on and speak to. No one to share what’s happening with, no one to lean on, no one to give an outsiders perspective on how awful the treatment you are being subjected to is. Makes it easier for the abuser to minimise the abuse and make you believe its not so bad. Also can make it harder to escape as we are cut off from our support system. The abuser might do this by accusing us of cheating, being upset that we are on our phone and not giving them our full attention, pretend not to understand why we would want to go out without them…and so on.

So now the abuser has us in the situation where we are ready to excuse their behaviour and feel alone and isolated. Next comes stage 3; instil fear. Notice that though the abuser might appear to be out of control the rages only occur when you are alone. In fact he is very much in control. He doesn’t need to hit you if he can instil fear by hitting everything else. The threat is sufficient.

Im so sorry you’re enduring this. Yes it is abuse. And none of it is your fault. Google the cycle of abuse and check out Lundy Bancrofts Why Does He Do That.

Good luck and keep posting. And please don’t confront him, it could be very dangerous x*x

[Barnetfly]

Thank you for the support chocoholic and hawthorn. It still doesn’t sit right with me. I know I have my own issues so I’m not innocent. I would never accuse him of cheating but I would get really nervous when he talks to females because he doesn’t pay much attention to me. I then think why is she so special etc i try to talk to him about my concerns and worries. I even spoke to a professional about it and they gave me techniques for dealing with it.He says because of that I control him and he can’t do what he wants. I then feel so guilty and bad and then I find it difficult to open up to him. He also told these other females my insecurities and I saw it and I felt so betrayed

[Barnetfly]

Does this make me an abuser? He also be sad and upset with me and go and be happy when he is doing his hobby. I just don’t feel good. I feel so guilty for opening up about it and I feel so bad for telling people about it

[Hawthorn]

Realising we are being abused is a terrible shock and will take time to process. Abusers blame us for the abuse and keep us trapped in a FOG of Fear Obligation and Guilt. We are afraid to speak about whats been happening and feel terrible Guilt for even thinking badly of our abusers, never mind telling anyone about the abuse. Abuse thrives in secrecy and silence.

No one is perfect, but having issues doesn’t mean you deserve abuse. No one does.

What he is doing with other women is called triangulation. Google it and see whether what comes us resonates with you. The lundy Bancroft book is available to read for free online, do consider checking it out. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this and it all feels very confusing; that’s the FOG of abuse again. Consider keeping a diary of his behaviour so you can identify the cycle. Round and round it goes.

Sorry is only words. Being actually sorry requires behavioural change, and that is far more difficult and essentially unheard of for abusive men to do. Their abusive behaviour gets them what they want; power and control with zero accountability, what possible motivation could they have to change?

Be very kind to yourself, this is so much to process. Consider reaching out to women’s aid for support, or to your GP. You might just sit with the info you have already and have a read of some posts on the forum and see what resonates with you. We are here for you and you are not alone. Knowledge is power.

Sending you a big hug x*x

[Hawthorn]

And sorry if I wasn’t clear; 100% no, you are not the abuser.

[Chocaholic]

You should never feel guilty for sharing your insecurities, we all have insecurities and talking about them makes us realise you are not alone in feeling that way. He is using this to turn this around for you to question your behaviour rather than focus on his own xx

[Barnetfly]

I am becoming more concerned and worried about him. For the past few days he has been feeling like he is going to lose me and that I am going to leave. This makes me feel incredibly sad and upset. I have thought about leaving but he doesn’t know that. I feel so guilty and bad I feel that now I definitely can’t leave even though maybe I should. He is really struggling and he keeps crying. I’m not sure what to do

[Barnetfly]

Also thank you for the advice. I used to keep a diary but he found out because he thought I was cheating (the diary is on my phone) he made me talk to him about my issues. Then when I used it he said oh what are you doing telling your diary how bad of a boyfriend I am. And then he continously mimicked and mocked me and made me feel bad. I have to go in another room when I use this forum. He works from home and he never goes out so I can’t go anywhere I have to stay put and find a way for everything. I am also scared about packing my bags because I don’t have many clothes and it’s a small home so he will know my bag is packed and he will know that clothes are missing. I know he would try to stop me to leave or it might trigger him

[Wants To Help]

Even in non abusive relationships, breaking up with someone usually leaves one party devastated and upset. Not many relationships end on mutual agreements where both separate without any emotional pain.

You are now struggling with the Guilt of the FOG, this is completely normal. Empathic and compassionate people do not like to see others hurting and we do what we can to help them. However, in your situation you can’t help him without sacrificing your own happiness, safety and health.

There will never be an easy time to leave him. By staying you are just delaying. He doesn’t treat you well and is very controlling of you and he is likely to cause you more problems going forward. This crying and upset is part of his cycle to keep you through guilt rather than any genuine attempt to recognise his behaviour and make changes to himself.

If you want to leave then you must put your feelings and best interests before his. This is not being selfish. If you are concerned that he may be suicidal (it’s very common for him to make threats or insinuations he will do this in order to stop you leaving) then let a family member of his or a close friend of his know you have concerns for him and ask them to make regular contact. Whatever he may threaten to do to himself is not your responsibility.

[Chickadee]

Hi –

Everything that you are describing with him accusing you of cheating, wanting to know who you are talking too, who your on the phone with, all this “paranoia” is an abuser trait, and it is not a healthy, “real” relationship!

(detail removed by Moderator) From what you have stated, he definitely has some anger management issues. (detail removed by Moderator) More importantly, watch his facial expressions and behaviors when this occurs.

Try this – set boundaries, you need this for yourself. Tell him if it is going to work, that he will need to trust you, and stop accusing you of cheating, and having to know who you are on the phone with all the time. (See how he takes this, replies etc to it) …….. this is a set up for a healthy, normal relationship, if he responds trying to get out of this, or with rage, then you definitely have your answer! His response will also give you feedback on his sincerity about changing, controlling his anger, and going for that appointment. Regarding the appointment, see if he actually goes, a good therapist should ask you to come in for one appointment early on, for your input, as you are the other person in the relationship and you are seeing his anger. So any good therapist should want to fully understand that.

Be alert that he may try to pretend that he is willing to work at the relationship or may pretend he is going to appointments, even taking you to the office for the first one or two, then he does not actually ever go again. (Also abuser traits)

Don’t allow him to isolate you from friends and/or family, (this is an abusive trait). Likewise, good people and friends, don’t vacate you! So, reach out to those you have and see if they are still there, or make some good one’s.

I am stating in all this to proceed with caution. As for the “sorry,” it could be sincere, or it could not. Abusers say they are sorry, a lot. It is not sincere when they do, it is a mechanism of them abusing you.

Hope this all helps! Chickadee

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