Is it abuse or am I being dramatic?

[Done-with-this]

Hi all
I’m new to this and just need some honesty and outsider perspective. My friend say it is abuse but he says he isn’t trying to be.

So he hasn’t always been faithful to me which is where it started. Following his most recent betrayal a few years back he suffered a breakdown which despite everything I supported him through and told no one at his request what had triggered it so I suffered alone which was made worse by the other party spreading rumours about me to try and damage my reputation in case I outed her! I suffered very bad anxiety and was eventually saved by making a new group of friends who bought me out of myself again. But now he hates me going out with them as it’s a mix of males and females.He says they are driving us apart and calls them all sorts of names. If I ask to go out with them he sulks or shouts so I say I won’t go and I get ‘don’t pity me’ or ‘no because people will think I’m abusing you’. I now dread asking (I only go about once a month – they meet more frequently). He has accused me of having affairs with all the men in the group and despite my efforts to involve him he refuses.

When I do go out with them I get texts all the time – some are ok some not but I feel it’s all to keep an eye on me – how’s your night? Who’s out etc through to calling me names and swearing at me. He always asks for a time I’ll be home and if I’m even a few minutes late he will shout and accuse me of having affairs. He tracks my phone all the time (on my day off, shopping, when I’m walking the dog etc) and if I’m taking too long calls me.

Although he has never intentionally been violent, There have been a couple of times when he’s scared me too. One time I came home from a hen party. I’d driven so hadn’t been drinking but he was cross as I was late in his opinion (not even 11pm) he banged the headboard and it broke and fell on me. He then threw it across the room breaking a mirror. He has broken his tablet throwing it on the floor in anger at me and more recently tried to punch one of my friends when they tried to stand up for me. He is a heavy drinker which often leads to a lot of this behaviour.

He does nothing around the house and monad if he can’t find things.
Arguments always end up with me being to blame somehow – so much so I’ve given up arguing!
When it comes to sex it’s not that he forces me but he will sulk or guilt trip me so I just usually go along but feel upset after.
He will always apologise, blame the drink and say he’ll stop but I’ve heard it all before. . Leaving is hard- we have kids and he uses my credit card a lot so if I did leave I’d be left to pay that myself! He says it’s our money as we are married.

He does have loads of good points. He’s funny honest and says he loves me. Most of the time he’s fine just a bit grumpy but the drinking and me being scared / walking on egg shells is worrying especially mixed with the few angry outbursts.

Help!

[KIP.]

Hi there. He sounds like a dreadful typical controlling abuser. Please don’t ever blame alcohol for his behaviour. He chooses to behave this way. Many men drink alcohol and do not become abusive. His behaviour is manipulation and is causing you to change your behaviour to cope with his abuse. Making you unhappy and a lesser person. It would be good for you to ring the helpline number or contact your local women’s aid to talk through this. Google The Cycle of Abuse. These men are often charming loving charismatic when they want to be. It’s how they hook us into their dysfunction and keep us there.

[lover of no contact]

Welcome to the Forum,

You are definitely in the right place. Keep reading the posts on here and posting and you will be less confused and see clearer that his behaviour is that of an abuser personality. You say he’s honest, I wouldn’t be so sure especially if he has cheated on you.

There is no fear in love. He puts you in fear (angry outbursts), throwing things and causing damage and he well knows he is doing this. He sees your hurt face and he smiles secretly to himself. He sees your explaining yourself after being a minute late on a night out and he’s laughing inside. He sees your hurt at him triangulating you with other women and he doesn’t care about your feelings. He sees you exhausted doing his share of household responsibilities while he nurses a hangover and he’s busy putting his time and energy into other women and he doesn’t care. He sees you concerned and worried about paying off the credit card and being in debt maybe and trying to make ends meet (and if you’re probably like me, myself and my kids doing without; while he used the household money to soak his brain in alcohol) and he doesn’t care in fact he likes you exhausted, worn-out, scrimping and saving and doing without and worrying. Its easy to SAY he loves you but his actions do not show love only abuse of your good nature.

Yes you’re in the right place and you’ll recognise your other half’s behaviours from the posts. Abusive men follow a pattern.

[LozzyX]

You are wising up to his horrible manipulative selfish ways. All abusers have some good points, otherwise we would walk away years ago.

He knows exactly what he is doing, guilt tripping you into sex , frightening you so you learn your lesson and focus all attention on him and reduce time with friends , especially those friends who make you feel good about yourself.

Hope you call the helpline , also speak to CAB or check the moneysavingexpert forum .. and get legal advice , it’s likely he is liable for some of your credit card debt if he coerces you into spending it on him. Be careful as he could be building up a large debt so it frightens you into staying , if possible get the credit card limit capped so cannot borrow any more.

If you call the helpline they are often very busy but leave number and safe time to call you back, I will never forget how I felt after my first call… I knew it was my first steps to saving myself x

[Done-with-this]

Thank you guys. He’s said he wants to talk about stuff tonight but I know how it will go. It’ll end up being my actions – me going out etc that’s to blame. He will want to put things right by ‘compromising’ but I’ve been here before. I’m not good at talking to him about it as it’s a blame game and I end up sounding pathetic. Any ideas on what I should do / say to approach him about his behaviour or what to say if he starts blaming me?

[Author]

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