Is it abuse or am I sensitive?

[Skylife]

I’m not sure where to start because I never thought I’d be seeking help from a site like this. And I’m not even sure if I’m going mad or I’m within my rights to feel like I have been emotionally abused. I just need advice outside my own head because I’m so involved in the situation.
I have been with my boyfriend for (detail removed by moderator). I was instantly so happy when I found him and he has treated me to some of the best material things and moments I’ve ever had. We were really happy together and every aspect of our relationship was healthy in my eyes. Looking back he did keep me on a back burner a little bit, it was always on his terms when he would see me but I was ok with that. Fast forward about a (detail removed by moderator) later and we were out to a nice lunch with his friends that I’d never met. Alcohol had been consumed but I made one comment to his friend about (detail removed by moderator) when I stay at his… this one single comment made him turn like I’d never seen him before. He walked away from me, left me on my own in a city I wasn’t too familiar with. He jumped in a cab and went back to his house. I was left with no choice but to follow him back there as I was too far away from my home. I got some of the worst verbal abuse I’ve personally had when I got back, he left me crying on the sofa wouldn’t talk and ordered me to leave in the morning. I then received the silent treatment (detail removed by moderator) until he decided he was out of his mood and told me to come up so he could finish it face to face. When I got there he told me it was all a joke and was laughing about it so we went back to normal without ever having a conversation about it. Since then this is happening all too often, I can say or look in a certain way and he just loses it. He has never been violent to me but I know he can be a violent person. After we have a small row he storms off and has left me in restaurants on my own in places unfamiliar to me and just cuts me out of his life without any explanation. He has started putting me down saying he can’t be around me because I’m so moody and miserable, that I’m putting on weight, that I’m this and that. And luckily in my own head I know this is not true. (detail removed by moderator) I again said one small thing, he threw my stuff out of the house, kicked me out and locked the door. I had nowhere to go and had to sleep in my car even after drinking. Now I’m dealing with the silent treatment again. He has no idea how I am or where I am even after treating me that way. I’m worried that maybe the whole relationship has been a lie and I’ve been made to believe a false reality. I feel like I’m going mad!

[Kitkat44]

Hi there, welcome to this amazingly supportive place.
I’m not as Knowledgeable as many other wonderful ladies on here but you are not going mad. He is most definitely abusive. It is shocking and yet also reassuring to have those thoughts and doubts and then have them confirmed by others.
I think but I may be wrong and others may advise better but now you need to block him from contacting you (Is he likely to turn up at your place unannounced? Be wary because you just don’t know how an abuser will react once they’ve lost their power and control) and read all you can on Domestic Abuse.
Take care and be kind to yourself xx

[Skylife]

Thank you for being so nice. At the moment he’s blocked me and stupidly I want him to unblock me so I have the chance to communicate the reasons I’ve been feeling how I have. But again I know that’s not the right thing to even want. I shouldn’t want to speak to him and should be angry and hurt enough to block him out. I keep getting stuck in the same cycle over and over again xx

[Wants To Help]

Hi Skylife,

So sorry to read the situation you have had to go through but it sounds like your boyfriend is a Coercive Controller and is intent to manipulate and destroy every ounce of confidence you have.

The 1st behaviour pattern of the Coercive Controller is to ‘Establish Love and Trust.’ Once he has you wrapped around his finger and has got you in love with him he can then set to work on destroying you. The next stage is ‘Isolate’. He can do this in a number of ways, such as monitoring your phone and demanding you delete numbers and social media profiles of people he doesn’t like, or thinks is a bad influence, or taking up too much of your time, to behaving badly in front of friends and family so that you are too embarrassed to socialise with them with him (thus ensuring that he doesn’t go anywhere with you to family events and then not wanting you to go alone), to stopping you from seeing friends and family in either direct orders or subtle suggestions. Abandoning you alone in a place far from safety is also a way of isolating you, leaving you helpless and afraid.

The 3rd stage is to ‘Monopolise Perception’ by doing something or saying something, and then twisting it around so that you believe his behaviour is actually a reaction to something you did. He can then ‘punish’ you for that, which is what makes you doubt whose fault something was in the first place.

The 4th stage is ‘Induce Debilitation and Exhaustion’ also known as Gaslighting, and making you tired and worn out so that you are unable to think clearly and continue to doubt yourself. So making you sleep on the sofa, sleep in the car is examples of ‘inducing exhaustion’, some men will turn lights on in the night and wake a partner up and demand them to talk, or clean the house, or they will set her alarm clock to wake her up hours earlier than she needs to, then convince her she set it for the wrong time. These types of things are so hard to prove evidentially, so it really gets you confused as to what the truth really is and what is error, or wrongly recalled. Ignoring you for a week, and then getting you to go to his house and saying it was all a joke, making light of it, perhaps making you wonder if you’d overreacted to it all and was perhaps too sensitive to the situation, and maybe thinking you should just lighten up a bit?!

Demonstrating Omnipotence – or being ‘all powerful’ is a stage where he shows you just how in control of you he is. He asks you over, then throws you out with your belongings with nowhere to go and no way to get back in. He is showing he has the power to kick you out whenever he likes. Blocking you from contacting him and then unblocking you, it shows he is in control of when you communicate. Abusers who strangle their partners to the point of unconsciousness also come under this heading, it shows he literally has your life in his hands and he is demonstrating he has the power to end it whenever he wants to. This level of power and the violence he is capable of is the one women fear the most.

He is also using ‘Degradation’ to embarrass and humiliate you, insult your appearance, criticise the things you do or say.

These are just some of the stages of Coercive and Controlling Behaviour.

This abuser is one of the worst. He doesn’t have to use violence to install fear, the fear is just there from his language, his behaviour and his mannerisms.

If your boyfriend is displaying this behaviour now then he will not get better, he will not change for the better, he will just get worse, and you will become more trapped and your mental health will suffer. You say you feel like you have been emotionally abused. You have been emotionally abused, please do not doubt that or have any uncertainty about it at all.

Trying to tell him how he is making you feel will make no difference at all. He really doesn’t care. All it will do is make him aware of your vulnerabilities for him to take advantage and hurt you even more.

You have come to the right place to seek advice and help. Read through the threads on here and you will identify with many of us the works of an abuser. You will see you are, unfortunately, not alone in your situation. For you own safety and well being, please take control of your situation now and end your relationship with this man before it goes any further and before you end up having a child with him. Having children does not make abusive relationships better. I was foolish enough to think it would, but it just made things worse, I was then trapped for longer by being tied to him with a child.

Read up on Domestic Abuse, research, and reach out for help and advice.

[Skylife]

Thank you, that’s a really thoughtful reply and I feel really emotional reading it. That’s exactly what I needed to hear in a way. I am devastated and just feel broken by it all. I didn’t think he ever could be violent, but when he kicked me out the other night, I was knocking to try and get back in but he kicked the door from the other side so hard whilst calling me a C**t. Then threatened to pour cold water over me if I refused to leave the doorstep. These last few days I have wanted to just talk this over with him but I am starting to see I now need to make the decision and walk away myself and take back some control of my life. Thank you again xx

[Wants To Help]

You’re welcome. I’ve just read my reply back and thought it may come across a bit harsh, so I’m glad you have not taken it that way.

I know and understand how hard it is to walk away from someone you love; statistics show it takes someone 7 times to leave before they finally leave for good. I left for good just a little lower than statistics!

The last incident you described again shows just how cruel he is. Hard as this is for you to admit, you are recognising that this is an unhealthy relationship. If he truly loves you then ask yourself these questions: Does he nurture me? Does he enhance my well being? I am presuming your answer will be ‘NO’.

Does he complement your life or complicate it? If you are full of uncertainty about what to say, how to act, what to wear, express an opinion, and are in fear in some way of his responses if you get these things ‘wrong’, then you know that the right thing to do is end this.

This is just some food for thought, you will end this relationship when the time is right for you, but for now, knowledge is power. Good luck, stay safe, I wish you all the best x

[iliketea]

@WantsToHelp amazing post where did you get the information from? Really resonated with me.

@Skylife I read your post and cried, identical to a relationship I had years ago, I hadn’t thought about it in terms of abuse but now I know what I know – from my current situation too – it most definitely is. And the throwing water, I asked a counsellor about that and was referred immediately to the local domestic abuse service. That is why I am where I am now, that is why I have an IDVA, it is abuse. It is so horrible when you start to understand this behaviour, a year on and Im still going “Really?” “Abuse?” “Me?” but it is all too real. This is a very good support forum, the women are really knowledgeable and nonjudgmental. Read posts, try and get the Lundy book, “Why does he do that?”. Stay strong. Maybe talk to a friend or family member if you can. I kept it quiet for so long, mostly because I didnt understand. Telling people makes you safe, keeps you safe, and will help you exit when and if you decide that is what you want to do. xx

[Hazydayz]

Iliketea can you please explain, what is a IDVA? I’ve seen you mention this a few times and I’m again thinking… What is that?😏

[Wants To Help]

Hi both,

One of the best books I’ve read for a while is See What You Made Me Do by Jess Hill. It’s one of the latest on DA studies and describes the Coercive Controller in a way that has really opened my eyes. The 9 stages are:

Ensure Love and Trust
Isolate
Monopolise Perception
Induce Debilitation and Exhaustion (Gaslighting)
Enforce Trivial Demands
Demonstrate Omnipotence (Having great power)
Alternate Punishment and Rewards
Threats
Degradation

It gives examples under each category and demonstrates how the CC Abuser can instil great fear without using violence repeatedly.

I strongly recommend this book, it’s on Braelynns book list too.

[Chestnut]

Hello Skylife
I just wanted to reply as others have said you are certainly not being sensitive. My oh used to abandon me in unknown places as well, followed by the silent treatment and then pretending it never happened. He would cross the road and walk in the other side, leave me on train platforms, cycle off and leave me in a different town at midnight etc. It is incredibly upsetting for someone to do this to you and it is totally not ok. It is very controlling and manipulative. This went on for years for me, slowly warping into odder behaviour and I no longer felt able to say anything, have an opinion, was highly anxious. I posted on here only a few weeks ago but have now separated from my oh as I realise I couldn’t go it anymore. You need to do what is right for you, but someone who truly cares about you should never want to make you feel scared or anxious. I think you are seeking out and asking the right questions on here. It is really upsetting to realise behaviour likes this isn’t right but remember it has nothing to do with you. Wishing you all the best x

[Skylife]

Thank you to all of you for replying. I’m so so grateful. It’s crazy to me that is familiar to other people as for a long time I did think I was going mad. He can be the nicest person in the world and that’s why it’s so hard for me to get my head around the bad behaviour.

I’ll definitely have a look at the books you’ve both recommended.

Unfortunately we had booked to go on a holiday not too far in the future. Which is all on my credit card so will now have to deal with the financial side of things as well as I’m still blocked! The weirdest thing is that he would never hold money from me normally. He’s the most generous person I know so I have no idea what’s going to happen with that xx

[Author]

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