Is it abuse or is he just spiteful and disrespectful?

[Pebbles00]

Hi, I am In need of some light at this moment in time. I have beautiful children, married for years, together for even more, to a (detail removed by Moderator).

I think my husband could be a n********t.He can be very abusive verbally, breaks things when he loses his temper. Calls me degrading names especially those around mental health.

There have been many betrayals throughout our marriage and relationship and it’s always been forgiven. I’m not sure how, but I always feel it’s my fault. He has told me a while ago he is no longer attracted to me because of weight gain which I understand but he left me because of it, told me he wasnt in love with me anymore.

He left the home but days later said he just wanted some space so we can work on ourselves. Still very much married etc went on dates and began again. I then discovered he had sent explicit videos to a (detail removed by Moderator) who has been a sore point throughout our marriage. I was absolutely distraught, still am but I cant dare mention it. I nonly know what he tells me or what I find out. He lies compulsively and then when caught out he makes me feel bad so I’m always apologising. He openly admits he hates saying sorry and stated I dont accept his apologies anyway so theres no point.
After years of me keeping things to myself and not discussing any of it with anyone I’ve discovered he openly tells others about us. Slags me off to other females so that I look like a psycho.
An example of this, (detail removed by Moderator) he went to a (detail removed by Moderator) party. Me and his (detail removed by Moderator) child had horrific flu and I asked him to drive just incase we needed him. He was absolutely fine with this but then made out to his friends that I was trying to ruin his night out because I had a cold. He doesnt know I saw this but it really hurts when I do so much to protect him. Is that how he sees me?

I’ve never been able to talk about the things he has done to me in fear of people judging him. I dont want anyone to hate him. He is so loving and caring sometimes. I know it’s in there. I make it hard with my anxiety and paranoia. He has never physically hurt me or the kids but shouts, swears, hits walls, he has even put his hand through a glass door that needed surgery. He controls the major temper alot better but still has a fliddy when ever he feels annoyed.

I know I can manage on my own, I’ve done it before but to start all over, with nothing is terrifying. The thought of not having him is terrifying.

Its even harder with him being (detail removed by Moderator). Everyone loves him and thinks he’s lovely.

Am I being dramatic with this all??

I feel like I’m loosing my mind

[KIP.]

You’re in an extremely abusive relationship and that feeling of losing your mind is the proof. Talk to your local women’s aid. Google trauma bonding. The cycle of abuse. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Google The Power and Control Wheel. None of this is your fault. He chooses to abuse you. Abusers lie and cheat and gaslight and blame others. Not accepting accountability for their own behaviour and it makes us anxious, depressed and suicidal often. It’s not you, it’s him x

[SingleMomSurvivor]

Your husband is extremely abusive. It is not all in your mind. You are not overreacting or making it up. Abusers are very very good at blame shifting- they do something abusive but then make you feel responsible for it or convince you that you are the abusive one or that you’re overreacting to their abuse. Blame shifting is something abusers are really really good at. One time my abuser cursed me out in front of a group of people. I was humiliated. Afterwards I remember feeling bad for him!! & feeling like I needed to help soothe him & provide him with support & cuddles…which is exactly what I did. When he would lie to me he’d say it was my fault because I was an impossible person & he couldn’t share the truth with me because I couldn’t handle it. When he would hit me he’d say it was my fault too. I spent the entirety of our relationship minimizing escalating abuse & believing I was either to blame or that we shared responsibility. His behavior is not your fault. He is abusive because he chooses to be.

[SingleMomSurvivor]

Oh also I should add that the charisma & charm that they display to other people is part of the abuse. It helps them to be able to abuse without others detecting it & then discredit the victim. Most people would be shocked to know of the things my abuser has done to me. He has successfully convinced everyone in his circle that I’m crazy. So the niceness & charm is part of the abuse cycle. It’s meant to throw you & others off.

[Pebbles00]

Thank you so much for your responses. It really has meant the world to me to know im not on my own with these thoughts. Its so nice to hear from others that im not crazy.
The worse part of this all is that I know better. I know that its wrong, i know its affecting my health but yet I stay. I cant understand that.
When he is at his worst Im ready to go and then he will act conpletly normal and be kind again. I crave that kindness.

I have read up on some of the things suggeated above and im hoping that will help me understand my reactions to it all.

It saddens me that there are some many going through this and worse. I am sorry this has happened to you, but you have both helped me today. Massively x*x

[KIP.]

Contact your local women’s aid for support x you will need support to understand and to make a safe exit plan when you’re ready x

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