Is it abuse or just a rough spot?

[Bluetac1]

Hi,

I am really struggling in my relationship and I am not sure what to do. My partner had admitted his behaviour isn’t acceptable but continues to do it and doesn’t think of it as abuse.

We have been together for just over (detail removed by moderator), we started dating when we had just (detail removed by moderator). Our relationship has always been perfect but lockdown seems to have knocked us completely off our feet.

My partner had to isolate due to him being vulnerable which mean we had to (detail removed by moderator) on hold which caused a lot of stress in our relationship. After the 2nd lockdown he came to live with me and my parents. Ever since he moved in it’s been a different story and it’s like Jekyll and Hyde.

He would be absolutely fine one minute but the next he would just be different, his whole behaviour would change – his speech would slur, he would act different and his eyes would be all glazed and his pupils would be huge and black. He wasn’t taking drugs or drinking as I was with him the whole time but it would be like a switch. He would start calling me all the names under the sun, telling me I was lazy and I didn’t love him, I didn’t care about him etc.

We live in one room at my parents which is very stressful, he blames the living situation and his work as the reason for his behaviour.
When he turns from Jekyll to Hyde he will violently rip the covers off me when I am trying to sleep and he will turn the light on so I have to speak to him and I can’t go to sleep.

I found out he had been using (detail removed by moderator) which we spoke about and I told him I wasn’t happy with it. He promised to delete his account but I later found out he hadn’t stopped and was paying multiple girls and also messaging them asking for intimate pictures. I called him out when I found this and he said it’s not cheating and the reason he did it was because me and him were in a bad place.

I later then found out that he had audio recorded us having sex without my consent on 2 separate occasions. He doesn’t think there is anything wrong with this as it was for his own personal use.

Because of the past 6 months I went to the doctors and went on some anti depressants because I wasn’t coping very well. I expressed my mental state to my partner and he was really supportive and then on other occasions he has told me to go kill myself if I feel like that.

He hasn’t ever hit me but he has pushed me out of bed twice and squeezed my arm so hard it hurt for two days.

It reached breaking point and I just couldn’t take it anymore, I told him I wanted a break and some space to which he said he would sort his head out and never hurt me again. I spoke to him and he did understand his behaviour wasn’t acceptable and he did agree to get help. He has promised on multiple occasions that it won’t happen again, he doesn’t want to loose me, he loves me so much and he couldn’t live without me. The worst part is we are halfway through buying a house and I’m so confused I don’t know what to do. He keeps telling me once we get the house things will be better because we will have our own space but I am scared what will happen to his behaviour once there is no one about if he’s happy to do what he has been under my parents roof.

I love him but I know this isn’t acceptable behaviour and I can’t take it anymore.

I am so confused, I don’t know if this is abuse or just a rough spot in our relationship.

[Whyohwhy]

It sounds like abuse to me, I don’t really understand why he wasn’t like it all those years previous to lockdown. Perhaps it’s living together that has changed him? Maybe it’s that he wants to be king of the castle when you are under one roof? I can’t imagine it would be different if you had your own home together. Can you pull out of the house sale without penalties? I think you should do some reading up on domestic abuse. The fact that he has been violent (pushing and grabbing is violence) is a big warning sign. So be very careful. Also if he didn’t think it was wrong to record you then why didn’t he ask? Take care xx

[Eyesopening]

Hey,
There will always be excuses, but most importantly is that he is abusive and you do not deserve to be abused. It doesn’t matter the ‘reason’. (The reason that he gives – the real reason is so he can have power & control over you)
Maybe being around him more has opened your eyes, maybe there were always red flags but you just never noticed them. If you start reading more about abuse, maybe you will start remembering things from the past that was abusive.
This is physical abuse, it doesn’t need to be hitting to be physical.
This man does sound very dangerous to me.
My ex was never physical but I was absolutely scared of him. There are many other ways to be abusive.
This is also future faking, my ex did the same all the time, ‘once this happens thing will be fine’, ‘in one year we will be fine’ etc etc, nothing ever changed.
Chat with WA, its a good place to start and keep posting xx

[Bananaboat]

Don’t buy a house together. I’d leave this man and stay at your parents house. His behaviour is unacceptable and sounds like it’s escalating. The slurred speech, wide pupils etc suggests drugs to me, I know you say it’s not but could he be doing coke in the bathroom when he says he’s going for a wee?

[Wants To Help]

Hi bluetac1,

I’m so glad you have reached out for advice and support now, but I’m afraid I’m not going to bring you good news either!

This is not a ‘rough spot’ you are going through in your relationship, this IS your relationship.

There are so many warning signs there; physical abuse, disrespect, entitlement, lack of empathy, lack of compassion, lack of sympathy, cruelty, controlling, insulting. If he can be this abusive when you are living with your parents and you are managing to hide it from them then I’d hate to think what he’d do to you when you are in your own home together. I agree the past 18 months have been hard for people due to Covid, but in a healthy relationship these testing times are when people pull together and work together and problem solve. In your case, testing times has led to the complete opposite and domestic abuse. You know what lies ahead for your life, it will not get better.

Any money you lose now by pulling out of a house purchase together will be negligible compared to what the legal costs of solicitors are in the future when trying to sell a house that he will not agree to sell and you are legally stuck in a financial tie with him. It is so important for your future and well being that you pull out now. Do not give this the benefit of the doubt and ‘hope’ for the best. There is no hope here. This man is abusive.

The glazed eyes and large pupils do sound like they could be related to drug use, but could also be linked to a medical issue. Is he concerned about this? Is he seeking any help from the GP about these episodes? If not, why not? Do not gloss over this, it is an important factor and not one to be ignored. If his behaviour was linked to a medical issue then he wouldn’t be able to keep it from your parents, he’d have no control over it, but strangely enough, the abuse seems to only happen when you are present and in a room only the two of you are in. Whatever reason he is classed as ‘vulnerable’ does not give him a free pass to abuse you.

You will be struggling with cognitive dissonance. You love this man but you also know he is not treating you right. Your rational side of you is telling you this relationship is not good or healthy, but your emotional side is trying to convince you there are legitimate reasons he is behaving like this. It is so hard to acknowledge and accept we are in love with someone who is never going to treat us right and that the right thing for us to do is end the relationship.

The reason you are on anti depressants is because of how he is treating you. You are depressed because of this relationship, but like most abusers, they will class your depression as a reason to blame you for the relationship not going well. If you start to believe this you will start being the one to try and change who you fundamentally are in order to make the relationship better, and you will be setting yourself up for continued misery, unhappiness and further mental health problems.

You know what you need to do. Please do it.

[Neverthoughtitwouldbeme]

So sorry to hear you are going through this.

It definitely sounds like abuse to me and although he may not have been physical towards you, he is being emotionally abusive and his behaviour is unacceptable whichever way you look at it.

It can also start as something like this and then escalate. I really hope not but please be mindful as it started this way with me.

Think hard about what you want in life and what kind of a person you want to be with then take steps from there. It won’t be easy but it’s a start xx

[LozzyX]

Please listen to your gut, you know this isn’t right. I had some red flags over my husband’s behaviour .. I pushed them out of my mind for all the wrong reasons – loved him, wanted that security , engaged to be married , in middle of buying a house… Trust me all that doesn’t matter when faced with what was to come.. Do not be like me and feel even more trapped, more depressed , years from now.

Also I’m sorry to say almost certain he is absuing some form of drug abuse going on.. my husband has exactly the same symptoms …I put it down to his mental health condition for years…turns out all along he’s been an addict.

[Bluetac1]

Thankyou everyone for your responses.

I do think it’s related to a medical condition but I do also know he didn’t have the best childhood growing up and he isn’t good at dealing with emotion however I do know that using me as a verbal punching bag isn’t acceptable.

He has agreed to get help but he just thinks everything will be normal now he has agreed to get some help but I think it’s too late for me.

I do love him, we have been together for over a decade so it wouldn’t be fair to say I don’t love him but I also hate him. I hate what he has done to our relationship and I hate that he has put me in this position. I told him I wanted to end things (removed by moderator) but he begged me for another chance. I desperately want to give him one but I know it’s not the right thing to do.

[iliketea]

you know what sprung out of this for me, the eyes, my ex did that too. I called them his snake eyes. I thought he was using too, or it was drink but realised it was just pure rage and anger, its a physical response to a surge in adrenaline ready to attack, it happens when they are very very angry. So, yes, it is abuse, definitely. Everything you wrote was what I went through. I also would say don’t buy a house with this person thinking it will get better. I made that mistake and it was the start of a whole nother level of abuse when he realised I was then captive. It was horrible, and I am still trying to deal with the fallout. If you can get out of it, I would. Think about it, why would you have to buy a house together to make your relationship work?
Also, loads of people manage to live in one room with there whole family in it and still survive without abusing their wives, partners….think of refugee camps, think of Victorian times, its not a reason, particularly in the 21st century when life is really pretty easy for us, its not a reason not to be nice to your partner…. He could go for a run or a walk if he was feeling trapped… He could do lots of things to make the situation better…In answer to your question, yes it sounds like abuse to me. The best thing though is to understand it for yourself. Call the Womens Aid line, National Domestic Abuse helpline. Or listen to some podcasts – caroline strawson offers lots on different aspects of abuse in 15 minutes bitesize programmes, audible has a lot of the books suggested here if reading with him around is difficult, put your headphones on and listen. I used to listen when he was sitting in the same room, sometimes when he was going off on one…. It was like having real life examples playing out before my eyes.
Be really careful buying a house with him. That’s my biggest piece of advice. Its very hard to undo especially if you aren’t married. Its messy area of law and very hard to sort out. If you do buy one make sure you have a Deed or Declaration of Trust drawn up BEFORE you buy it, it needs to show what you have both contributed and what you will get if you sell and divide. Make sure you are also named on the Deeds of the Property.
Not a rough spot, sounds like the start of my nightmare, which is still going, if I could go back to myself and give me any advice it would be DON’T DO IT and RUN FOR THE HILLS!!! xx

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