Is it abuse? What next?

[Morocco123]

Hi. I’m new.

I’ve realised I can’t repress anymore the abusive relationship I’ve been in for (number removed by Moderator) years. It’s not constant and there have been good times but it’s been physically and emotionally abusive.

I need to get out but my oldest is doing (exam removed by Moderator) this summer.

I don’t want my daughter’s thinking the way we are is normal and I can’t shake the feeling.

He told me he’d only smoke weed when they weren’t about but did and when I challenged him he went mental twisting it to be me and menopause madness.

Can anyone advise? Is it abuse if it’s not been physical for (number removed by Moderator) years? Is it abuse if he shouts at me? Am I too sensitive? I just keep thinking my dad wouldn’t have spoken to my mum like this and getting upset about how I ended up in this mess

Thank you for reading

[Sad and alone]

Hey and welcome 🙂

Exactly the same time frame for me. In short yes it is abusive regardless of whether there has been physical violence full stop. Some abuse is purely verbal or emotional or even financial. I think most would say there have been good times in our relationships as if it was constantly bad we probably really wouldn’t stay. It’s the ups and downs and mixture of good times and bad that keeps us here. Because after all this is our life and we’ve built it and separating away from everything not only seems daunting but also completely unfair, and that our whole life up until now has been a waste. That’s how I feel anyway.

There is always an action or disagreement that will start things off. Not unreasonable to ask him not to smoke in certain circumstances and text book reaction trying to twist something and be nasty to you because he didn’t like it. They’re spiteful and know how to get to you and the hardest thing is training your reaction to deal with their c**p.

I often say to him can you imagine so and so talking to or treating his wife that way and get told that so and sos wife wouldn’t act the way I do. It’s always me that’s brought it on myself. Classic blame game. You made me do it because you are a terrible person. I’m not violent but you drive me to it.

My parents have gone now but I often think how disappointed and upset they would be if they could see me now.

Like you I have something tying me here. I don’t know whether it’s just another excuse though to not take action. When that tie has gone will be the test I guess.

But don’t doubt yourself or the way you’re made to feel. This is abuse. You’re in the right place. Women on this forum have so much experience and can give advice. Or speak to your GP. Tell them what’s happening and they can put you in touch with your local DA service who can give you some guidance.

Take care of you, and keep posting xx

[Cherries]

I think…and what I must keep reminding myself… is people who aren’t being abused on some level probably wouldn’t be here. It takes a lot to come to a space like this.

Mine isn’t violent…threatening on rare occasions.  Has broken stuff etc. But oh my the mental games. I question my own reality and you know it’s all my fault!

He doesn’t do things he should because he’s afraid of my reaction (!) But has no trouble not doing them either and it’s all tied to my reaction or lack thereof and is only ever an issue when I say I’m not happy then suddenly I’m the partner from hell and he can’t anything right and and yeah. It’s exhausting.

I had a physical one and somehow this twisting and turning and firing back is worse on a level I cannot put into words. When you are so darn tired but you know that no matter what you do or say there will be snide comments then You started an argument and bleurgh. He could crash the car and it would be my fault somehow.

Not all abuse is physical. Physical is just easier to spot.

Look into it and you might start recognising more behaviours…you can’t unsee when you see it sadly

[Sad and alone]

What is it with everything being our fault? I get blamed for things that I have no control over sometimes. And then things that have gone wrong because of something I’ve done I don’t hear the end of. You know when you punish yourself enough and you don’t need someone else going on about it? And the stupid thing is when he makes a mistake I try and make him feel better, say not to worry, we’ll sort things out, it couldn’t be helped etc. I don’t know why. Even when I ask for example where something is the response is he hasn’t touched it. Not what I asked. But just so ready to proclaim their innocence.
The verbal and emotional is exhausting. It really grinds you down. The ups and downs of it all. How one minute you relax and think things are going okay and then all of a sudden he’ll take offence to a comment you make. I literally look forward to going to sleep some days so I don’t have to listen to him.

[Morocco123]

Thank you all for your posts.

So true about being here because on some level you KNOW it’s abuse.

I’m seeing a counsellor (timeframe removed by Moderator) and have finally confided in my sister about it all which feels good as she’s reassured me that I’m being gaslit and that she’s there whatever I want to do but bad as now she knows what an idiot I am for putting up with it all.

I’m sad that it’s all such a mess now. Might suggest we go marriage guidance but if I’m honest I just really want out. But am I being too hasty? Should I just repress the feeling again? Will he change?

Sorry for the ramblings.

[Morocco123]

He’s now saying that I’m a bad person and should show forgiveness as that is what a good person does. They don’t hold grudges. They understand and support.

Which is true.

So now I’m questioning am I a bad person? Should I just forgive him again for upsetting me / speaking to me like I’m sh*t / lying about smoking weed / pasta physical abuse?

Genuinely think he believes he is right.

Mess.

[Author]

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