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    • #74831
      FruitLoops
      Participant

      I’m starting to think I’m the abusive one. When he starts to shout at me I do threaten to leave or I actually walk out (only with my car keys not actually obvs as I’ve actually moved out). I have threatened to leave so many times in an attempt to get him to realise I won’t take it anymore. But he says I’m abusive for doing that and controlling him? He says I just want a good little man who does exactly what I want. But that’s not true! All I want is for us to be a family to me and my children (not his) and to participate in family life rather than sit in bed or go to his friends to smoke pot. I only ever want him to be with us, and yes to occasionally help out with my children as that’s surely what he signed up to when he met me? At no point did I not tell him about my children. They were always a part of the package.

      Very clever, he never does anything around my children, ever. But when I do upset him, he shouts at me he is in my face and hitting walls etc. He always tells me it’s me who is controlling and I’m destroying him. Is it actually me?? I end up sobbing and apologising. Or walking out as I can’t/won’t be screamed at or shouted over.

      I’m starting to feel like I’m losing my mind, doubting it’s him and thinking maybe it is me?

      He says I’m cold and shut down, but that’s what I do when I can’t take it anymore, I close off and just go about my day robotically if I have to. It’s like a self preservation thing. Not intending to be abusive! Xx

    • #74833
      fizzylem
      Participant

      Hey FL, no this is a control tactic and it also helps him avoid taking any responsibilty. Really feel for you as this horrid. I’ve been here going round in circles, trying to say what I think and feel, falsely believing were communicating openly adult to adult when this was not the case at all. Whatever I said he would always turn it round and verbally attack me.

      Self doubt kicks in hey, is it me? Am I not communicating properly? Am I being unreasonable here? When actually all you’re asking for is for normal things, family time, a bit of help and doing some things together.

      I can see now that my ex did everything possible to avoid intimacy and one way of doing that was to shout loudest and blame me, because what was going on in the space between us? In our relationship? Where were we at? Was not something he ever wanted to discuss – because the truth of it was he wasnt interested in me, he only wanted what I could do for him and nothing else. Had he stopped the blame and had I stopped the self doubt, I would have seen I am getting nothing here only stress and abuse.

      We can be controlled when our head is in a mess and going round in circles hey.

      He’s not listening to you, he doesn’t want to engage, that’s what is happening.

      Because as soon as you start to recognise you are getting nothing from this relationship, and you start to see his tactics and the man he really is – his game is up! And he’ll have to start all over again.

      I actually felt like I was going mad becasue of this, this is what it does to a person. This was the straw that broke the camels back for me, I simply couldn’t handle feeling like I was going mad around him, it terrified me, so I asked him to leave and thankfully he did. FL.x

    • #74835
      Daisydo
      Participant

      Hi Fruitloops. You sound in a similar situation to me. He verbally attacks me, hit walls and throws things. I shut down and want nothing to do with him & carry on day to day living for the kids. He accuses me of mentally abusing him and controlling him because I don’t want any physical relationship with him, he says I am insane & cruel.
      I doubt myself and wonder could he be right but I have started a journal and read back on things and it reminds me why I no longer want a relationship with him.
      We are seperate but still living in same house because neither of us want to leave. We have 4 children and uvwant to remain with them in the family home, I just wish he would (detail removed by Moderator) leave, if not for me, for the children. He thinks they need him at home too. The atmosphere is so much nicer without him home.
      I would say start to write down things you remember so you can remind yourself of what he is really like when you doubt yourself. X

    • #74837
      FruitLoops
      Participant

      Thankyou so much for your responses. (detail removed by Moderator) another example of his lack of care. I trying to get my daughter dressed and she was having a massive, major major meltdown, he could hear I was struggling, trying to get ready for work, trying to calm and sort out 2 tantrumming kids and one who’s gone into meltdown mode, rather than helping me, especially in the end even when I burst into tears because my daughter would not stop and we were late, he was (detail removed by Moderator) moaning about the noise but didn’t offer to get up or do anything. At all. He just lay there. Because he’s not working he sees it as a massive issue to get up to help, and when he does, he doesn’t do anything!! He just makes a drink and goes back to bed. I’m living like a single mother still but with a grown man too who I am now looking after like a kid with constant criticism over all I do.

      But apparently it’s me being abusive.

      He wants sex daily too, but if I don’t then I’m rejecting him and I’m cold. He said (detail removed by Moderator) that I want a boyfriend but without all of the bits I should do. I just want someone to help me with the kids apparently.

      Well if that’s truly what I’d wanted I wouldn’t have shacked up with him! 😢

      (detail removed by Moderator) my eyes are that puffy and swollen from crying (detail removed by Moderator) . He’s apologised for being grumpy he said. But now he’s mad with me again because I’m upset he didn’t help me out (detail removed by Moderator) . I can’t take much more.

      Daisydoo- how on earth are you managing 4 children and separated but living together? My hat goes off to you for your strength! Xx

      • #74841
        fizzylem
        Participant

        Oh DD, yes I can remember that, withdrawing into myself because it was pointless trying anymore and it was too scary to voice anything. I made a mental note, right I will stop doing anything for him and see if the relationship goes to sh!t, because I had an idea that without me giving there would be no relationship, I was right of course, but it went from bad to worse, he became the kid kicking and screaming, you used to make my dinner, make sure I had beer in the fridge, you do nothing now. Makes me laugh now to think yes, this is how you saw me, someone there to serve you, make life easier for you, yet he never thought about howhe could lighten my load. He only made my life more stressful and still he continued to load me up. He did nothing! I reached burn out eventually. Do you have a plan forming to leave? Or to get him out?

    • #74842
      fizzylem
      Participant

      FL, this is exactly stuff the that in time will make you feel stronger, I can hear your voice in this post (detail removed by Moderator) , you are spot on, you knew exactly what was going on (detail removed by Moderator); no help whatsoever! He’s trying to make you feel wrong for wanting help with the children, when a kind, loving person would want to help. If he’s not working then he really does have no excuse not to help out does he. Can you throw him out?

    • #74843
      fizzylem
      Participant

      We cant be vulnerable around these men, when to be in a close, intimate relationship with someone – being able to be vulnerable is actually what strengthens it, it also makes it more meaningful, better than any other relationship, because we feel it’s ok to be this way and ok to be the person recieving help.

      Equal, loving relationships support one another, one person steps in and up when the other needs it, then moves away again when you’re ready to pick things up again, where as what happens here is he only wants you to be the one stepping up constantly, there’s no let up – on top of that these men try to make us feel like we are failing and weak for being vulnerable. Gets me so angry, especially when they not only do not help when we feel vulnerable, they see it as time to attack! It’s no different to kicking a sick puppy in my eyes! x

    • #74863
      Fudgecake
      Participant

      Sadly all the above examples given by you all could be examples from my relationship too.
      And when you finally stand up for yourself and try to put your point across then you’re the unreasonable abusive one. I too ended up withdrawing into myself and stopped doing things for him. I relented once and booked a surprise weekend away for us but then he did something horrible so I cancelled it. Eventually all there is is you and him doing nothing, sharing nothing and saying nothing apart from his rants that could last seven hours by which time my head felt like it was going to explode. So then you realise there is nothing only the rinse repeat cycle of abuse.

    • #74873
      Flowerchild
      Participant

      All these examples are abusers polarising, I think. The argument is binary black or white. You’re either serving them devotedly or neglecting them. You’re either catering to their every whim or you’re cold and heartless. You’re either giving them their own way or ruthlessly trying to control them.

      Do you see how there’s no space in the middle for actually living in? Space for growing a career or tending to children? Space for give and take and teamwork and mutual comfort?

      That’s because an abuser doesn’t do sharing or shouldering any load he can avoid or taking responsibility for anything or anyone outside his own selfish wants.

      Thus in his mind whenever you pull back from or question being the perfect mother/servant/sex slave he tries to make you, you have turned on him viciously and he is the wounded victim.

      You’re not controlling, you’re just looking for an equal partner which he has neither the wish not the capacity to be. Listen to the accusations, though, because he is likely to be projecting his own thoughts and motives on you. Listen and learn: he is confessing, though he probably doesn’t fully realise it.

      Flower x

    • #74876
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      I agree with you @flower, definately listen to what’s he’s saying. Replace his words with I and me when he says you. Once you realise what he’s doing it really does help, it stops you feeling less than, because it’s what he is, not you. Mine has accused me of spending all his money, yet is never off A…on, is constantly saying how so and so thinks he’s such a nice guy, why can’t I see it. I’m accused of not loving him as i dont do anything for him, never buy him anything he wants for birthdays or Christmas. And do you know why, because no matter what i buy it’s never appreciated or is so far out my price range, it costs what I’d spend all in for Christmas, food, and presents for the family. Which he never contributes to cos they’re my family not his. He threw his toys out the pram last year, so I took him at his word and told everyone not to buy him anything. Downside was I couldn’t tell them not to just not get him, made out that because of the way things are they’d to include me to,. I don’t mind though because at least I never had to put up with his moaning about the c..p he’d been given. He thinks everyone should spend a fortune and when they don’t he’s not I interested.
      IWMB 💕💕

    • #74885
      Doris
      Participant

      Good evening all, you could be talking about my husband. Why do they all behave the same – I really do not get it? Are they taught the art of criticism, accusations, word-twisting, sarcastic comments etc. at some school in outer space? Then the deflated, depressed guy takes over because I have shut down just like you other posties so he then accuses me of not caring and being cold and heartless. But it’s because I cannot cope with the emotional roller-coaster. Do they think it makes us love them more or something? The depressed guy made a nasty sarcastic comment this evening that kind of contradicted the sad persona he was trying to portray. Keep safe out there and take courage – you are not alone. XX

    • #74894
      fizzylem
      Participant

      Hi Doris, its a lack of emotional intelligence – meaning they react fromt thier emotions in the same way a child will, only because they are now adults they can be even more devious, nasty, threatening and abusive when they dont get what they want. They dont have the ability to meet their own needs and are inadequate, which they try desperately to hide, a woman can take care of a lot of stuff for them. They are also egocentric like a child and think the world revolves around me – mine didnt have the capacity to think about anyone else other than himself – was so boring! Any converstaion we did have he would always turn it into being about his favourite subject, me me me – and I’m not exaggerating – every converstaion was about him. I used to count to see how long it would take him lol.

      Beautifully written Flowerchild! Couldn’t agree more. There is no space for anything or anyone else when he’s around and living in that leaves us unable to breath. I quite enjoyed the spot the projections game – it’s a real eye opener once you realise he is talking about himself and not you, and he doesn’t realise it. xx

    • #74901
      FruitLoops
      Participant

      I continually am amazed (or appalled!?) At how these men are so similar. It’s just unbelievable. I have no idea what or how I will leave, I have just moved there and only his started a new job in the area. I’ve moved miles from friends and family. So now I feel so stuck- so trapped and not sure what to do. Part of me is telling myself if I’m strong enough I can do this job for a while and maybe get settled in the role then get my own place in the area. I don’t want to move my children again. It would be unfair as they love their new school. Sigh.

      How silly of me. Moving everything to be with him but he can’t even get up to help me out in a morning. Yet we women are the abusive ones. Especially when we stand up for ourselves. The bother day- I said “I’m not your mother! Do it yourself” in a stronger moment. As you can imagine that went down very well. 🤦🏼‍♀️😔 x*x

    • #74910
      WhichWayIsUp
      Participant

      No.

      I read the title in the list of topics on the forum and immediately thought: No.

      Then I read your post and my answer is still: No.

      You are not to blame. This is all him. Look at it this way: imagine if you read a news story about people running out of a burning building. Imagine if the news story reported that the people were wrong to run out of the building, and that they should apologise for abandoning the fire. You’d think it was insanity. But that’s exactly what he’s trying to get you to believe here.

      This is why I love this forum. Our own heads are a real mess, but we can clearly see other womens’ situations. And that tells us a lot, because it shows that the men we’re around are absolute world class experts at messing with our heads. We’re all emotionally intelligent enough to be able to clearly see what’s what when other women ask for help, but because our men are so manipulative, we think that our situation is different, or that we’re to blame.

      I 100% stand by my initial response, which is absolutely No. Not only is it not “all you”, it’s not you one tiny bit. x

    • #74921
      fizzylem
      Participant

      Go Fruitloops! Good to read you’re starting to weigh up the possiblities! If you start to feel stuck or lost (as this is normal and expected some days), then you have the forum, the helpline is a good resource too. Information is power, find out every thing you need to know. Acknowledge you can not do this alone nor do you have to – get the help you need x

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