Is it all in head

[Kimmy]

Hello,

I am new and extremely confused and frustrated.

Long story short I have sort of managed to get out of my awful situation in a very abrupt manner.

I am now being told that I am the abuser as I emotionally battered him for years, if we get into an argument and I swear.. that’s it.. there is no going back and the situation just goes from bad to worse, which means I’m not allowed to disagree with him.

I take full responsibility for my part in this however don’t all couples argue? But does this have to end in violence, as I am constantly being told that this is something that is normal, something I should except because he was “damaged” when I met him..

I honestly don’t know, I have a very limited circle and can’t share most of this with anyone.

[fizzylem]

Hello Kimmy and welcome to the forum. This is common, I’ve read this so many times on here. It’s the blame game, you will get the blame for it, anything and everything.

Quite simply, abuse is wrong and so is violence. No, we do not need to tolerate it at all.

You may be feeling not very proud of the way you communicated, this is common too, I did at first, it left me feeling awful or just as bad as him, but eventually I could see it more for what it was, that it was frustration and tiredness, and that it did not come from my true self – my true self gave up a long time before trying to be heard. I swore yes, I was also feeling emotionally battered and unable to see the wood for the tress for such a long time, I reacted and engaged with his BS sometimes, when what I needed to do was to not step into the crazy, and walk away for good – takes a while sometimes hey.

I would use the analogy it’s like a sick animal, if you prode it and prode it some more, sooner or later it will turn and bite you.

I reckon I gave up and communicated in the only way he seemed to understand, behaviour can breed the same behaviour, but it isnt how we’d like to be communicating at all is it really. It’s what we did when we were stuck. Fine, I accept that was wrong and I could of handled things much better sometimes – but I will not wear anything else. Interestingly, as soon as I was out, and I started to feel I had some head space again, I never communicated with him that way again. Interesting how he’s honing in on when you lost it hey, when what he should be thinking about is where he went wrong and his own behaviour.

You probably wanted things to be very different, he drove this train, had you had your way, you’d have both been sat up front driving it in equal turns hey. He created this reality.

It can be hard to be with friends or anyone really who has not been in abusive relationship, because unless you have I think there is a common assumption and misconception that two people are equally responsible for the demise of a relationship, when this is simply not true when it comes to domestic abuse. He abused you, this damaged the relationship, the trust, your esteem, he attacked who you are.

No I dont think all couples row. Some discuss the issue, one supporting adult to another supporting adult, they respect that there will at some point be differences in opinion and that’s fine x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Kimmy, no there is never any reason for couples who disagree for it to end in violence. That’s him trying to justify his behaviour to you, make it seem normal, minimise it, when it’s far from normal. What is normal, is couples do disagree but they both take time to listen to the others side, digest the information and work on doing things differently together. If if ends in violence or of blaming the other, this is abusive behaviour.
Just because you shouted back does not make you an emotional abuser, shouting back trying to defend yourself are normal reactions. I’m not allowed to disagree with my oh either, he calls it answering or talking back!!! Which of course justifies in his head that he’s got to control me by intimidation or by reducing me to tears.
Well done for getting out, have as little to nothing to do with him. He will try to manipulate you into taking him back, telling you he’s changed, he’s disgusted with himself etc etc. Just because he was damaged when you first got together does not give him the right to verbally abuse you and physically hurt you, you tried to love him, show him there’s good in the world. He chooses to hurt you because it makes him feel good about himself. When he lashes out it releases feel good endorphins in his brain, these men who continually act like this, crave that feel good rush more and more, like a drug addict they want more, so the cycle of abuse begin all over again. Have you spoken to anyone at WA yet? Even though you’re away from him, WA can help you make sense of all this too.
Welcome to the forum, Kimmy, keep posting and reading others posts. Knowledge is power as they say.
IWMB 💕💕

[fizzylem]

Something I did that seemed to help my process, at the time I was recently out and feeling confused about what the hell just happened like you are, is I wrote two lists, everything I did to him that was hurtful or caused him stress or distress, then everything he did to me. I really thought hard about my part, I wanted it to be fair and accurate when finished. There were 11 items on my list, and I think most of them were could maybe have, rather than definately were if you get me. There were 67 items on his x

[Kimmy]

Thank you so much for your kind responses. In my mind I know this is wrong and having read so many other people’s stories over the last few days there is so many similarities. I never really saw myself as “abused” because I was always the one picking up the pieces and making it all better for us.

I can’t get his face out of my head, he tells me how I’ve ruined him by making him leave. He regularly cries and has told me a whole load of lies which he isn’t willing to give me any information for which means I can never believe him as it’s just “words”. Regularly tells me how he is going to kill himself if I’m not in his life.

I am at a loss.. I think I do need to speak to someone but it is so difficult to illustrate what has happened, been happening and is still happening.

Thank you again x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Kimmy, have you ever spoken to your doctor about how he made you feel? I asked mine if they could get me soneone to speak to, to try and make sense of everything that was going round in my head. I got a preliminary meeting with a psychologist to decide which therapy best suited my needs. Some areas, the waiting time is longer than others but the psychologist can give you an idea how long you might need to wait.
IWMB 💕💕

[fizzylem]

Hey Kimmy, I agree with IWMB, really sounds like you need to talk to someone to help you make sense of things. I think its a really important part of any womans process to acknolwedge I cant do this alone, nor do I have to, and to seek out the help you need.

I was the same as you, felt I was in the driving seat quite a bit, as I took care of most things regarding the house and the family – ‘the woman’s work’, I can see now though that this suited him very well as I was his skivvy, meant he didnt have to take on the every day bores and chores that most of us do and by doing so I ran myself into the ground, it wasnt until I reached burn out that I had to stop and look at what I was doing and what contributed to me reaching burn out. We have no space for ourselves in these relationships.

You could ring womens aid and find out who is your local women’s charity, it’s refuge in my area, they could assist you in accessing some counselling too. Sometimes it can take a bit of time to find the right kind of help. Ideally you need a therapist that has worked with domestic abuse previously if poss. I think unless you have experienced it or have worked supporting those who have for a long time, it can be hard to understand and sometimes false assumptions are made which can feel hurtful and not the help you feel you need.

Hang in there, the suicidal threats are most likely empty threats, but I know it is really not nice to experience. If he makes any threats then call the police or an abulance and send them to deal with him, then you know you have done all you can. Tell his freinds and family as well if you can, so they can keep an eye on him xx

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