Is it all in my head?

[Peanut]

Hi
Thanks for reading. I’m in a bit of a confusing situation and have been for a year or so. I’ve been with my husband for (detail removed by moderator) years and we always had bantery chit chat and his humour is a very irreverent one, quite cynical and deprecating.

Until (detail removed by moderator) years ago, I’d say pretty much since we had children, it all seemed quite harmless. So some things over the past (detail removed by moderator) years I have struggled to see whether I am taking it the wrong way. When I pull him up on some of the things he says to me and does around me he says I’m overreacting, am too sensitive or it’s all just in my head. So here are some examples to put it in to context, and thank you, I really value any guidance on this at all.

– around 2 – 6 times a week he will make a comment on how I can’t cook, clean things properly, am strange or weird- sometimes the comments are ‘why are you wearing that?’

– not too horrid but still with a negative implication- sometimes he re-does jobs I have done – like when I put jam on the kids toast he comes over and scrapes a bit off because he says I’ve put too much on

– I had a corrective surgery recently for something that happened with having carried two children – he was dead against it – I’m not sure why but he was and he hardly spoke to me during the (detail removed by moderator) recovery period, didn’t offer to get me anything from the shops, not even any cups of tea or waters

– (detail removed by moderator) ago I suffered a big trauma and it led to me drinking more heavily than normal. I chose of my own accord to go to AA (though it turned out I wasn’t alcoholic I was just dealing with the trauma) but he refused to give me a lift to that meeting leaving me to get there on my own with no support

– he refused to drive me into hospital or pick me up from the surgery – my best friend had to come up from (detail removed by moderator) to help me

a big flag (detail removed by moderator) was this one that I wanted to check:
I had been sat on the sofa following my operation and gone upstairs (I had knickers and Pyjamas on) and the next morning he said (he wasn’t laughing he was serious I thought) he had had to get out Febreze and Vanish to get the smell out of it after I had sat on it. When I found that upsetting he said I was taking it the wrong way and it was meant to be funny but I felt like when someone is telling you you smell and they had to clean after you it’s not very funny. Also, though this has made me doubt myself, I wash every day at least once and I am well presented I think and make an effort on those fronts.

The other thing is that he is great with the kids – he sort of focuses on those and then I am just by the side of things.

– Last (detail removed by moderator) while I was out – he built the bunk beds we had both bought them for Christmas while I was out and taken the boys to buy some new bedding (I’d ordered some to give them together at Christmas but it hadn’t arrived yet) so that they now think the beds and new bedding is only from him as they don’t understand how it can be from me when I wasn’t there. I felt a bit cut out of a ritual I was excited about.

Just to get a steer on whether I am over-reacting or not would be really helpful, thank you so much

[KIP.]

His behaviour isn’t harmless, it’s designed to undermine your self esteem and self confidence and he disguises it as a joke. It’s very common for abusers to do this. Read Living with the Dominator. It will enlighten you on the tactics used by an abuser to destroy us. You’re not over reacting and normal health relationships don’t end up on a women’s aid website. He doesn’t even try to hide how uncaring and selfish he is. Cutting you out of the bunk beds is nasty and controlling.

[fizzylem]

Hey Peanut, it’s dealing with a constant drip isn’t it; he sounds passive aggressive to me and you are right to be thinking this man perhaps doesn’t have my best interests at heart as he claims when questioned.

Saying you are too sensitive is a classic abuser line, squashing your thoughts and feelings, when you are trying to respond to these – which is the right thing to do here; this also leaves you with self doubt. Rather than take on some personal responsibilty and respond to you here, like a caring adult would, he turns it into ‘your fault’ – means he doesnt have to adjust his behaviour and respond to you hey x

[Giem]

Hi Peanut

I too am living in a similar situation and let me tell you this is not all in your head. It seems very clear that your confidence has been knocked by someone other than yourself. Keep your chin up and remember you aren’t alone.

[Catjam]

Hi Peanut, it’s not in your head, mine too makes comments about how I smell down there. But in that jokey way they do so love. They love to mess with your head. You are not crazy nor are you making a mountain out of a mole hill. I constantly question whether I am just being over sensitive but the more I learn and read the more I realise this is the state they want you in.
Mine is also the great hero, splashing money and doing exciting things with the kids but only when it suited. He would happily spend a fortune on his latest hobby leaving me to try and juggle the finances so we could eat. Mine are all grown up now and have acknowledged that they appreciated what I did and gave up to ensure they had what they needed.
Stay strong and read and learn all you can. I am getting stronger day by day, I slip sometimes back into old habits but those days are getting further apart.

[Author]

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