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We have been together for a long time now. In the last (detail removed by moderator) in particular I have come to realise tthat he is quite manipulative and a friend told me she thinks he gaslights too. We have good times. Is funny. Clever. Does his fair share round the house.he doesn’t work since being made redundant (detail removed by moderator) ago. Spent (detail removed by moderator) looking for work then gave up. He keeps giving reasons for why he can’t get a job. I am self employed and even said (detail removed by moderator) would get him out the house even a reason why he wouldn’t do that. He is quick to loose his temper. Then 5 min after he’s forgotten u but if I’m upset it’s my fault for causing an argument, because I apparently stew on it. I don’t but feel I should be allowed to be upset. He likes things done his way at the time he wants things done and if it’s not or I question it, it’s like the end of the world, or why on earth would anyone wwant to do it any other way. He doesn’t stop me seeing people directly but he will make he so that if I do it’ll be when he wants it to happen not when me or other party want it. He calls me horrid names during arguements. And also after he’ll try and ‘justify’ why he’s said something and it’ll be my fault every time – if I had just done xy or z he wouldn’t have had to have said those things. You get the picture. One time he said if we broke up he wouldn’t leave the house as he has no where to go. No family at all and he does have friends but none he could stay with. He has no bank account of his own – uses mine (detail removed by moderator), and keeps finding reasons not to get one even though I’ve found out he can have one now after all these years. Obviously there’s more to it than this but I’ve tried to keep too much detail out. Is this abuse? We rent and both names on tenancy. Do I just leave? How can I when he has all passwords for bank accounts including my business acount. I’m so confused. A lot of the time he’s this nice man and the next he’s not
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Hi, from what you described, it sounds like verbal and emotional abuse including gaslighting, name calling, abusive anger, blaming, judging, devaluing….
Living with abuse like this is very destabilizing as these tactics make you doubt your perception of reality. Your heart, body and soul know that it’s abuse. But your mind is trapped in the justifications and confusion created by the abuser.
Have you reached out to your local WA? It sounds like you may need some legal advice on how to separate your finances. You should also read more on the nature of the abuse you have been suffering. Understanding will help you see a clearer path out of this. Lundy Bancroft, Patricia Evans are really good sources.
Well done for posting on here and reaching out! -
Thank you for replying to me. I do (now) realise it’s not normal but when you’ve lived with it for so long..
I haven’t been in contact with anyone. This is my first port of call. I’ve been waiting to use the online chat on here but it’s always busy and I can’t call anyone about it because he is always here due to not working. I am working but unable to speak then due to where I am located. I will have a look at those authors thank you. -
Hi, there is a national domestic abuse helpline thats 24/7 you could ring when he’s asleep or when your out for a walk. Abuse is insidious and we normalise it. Try writing a list of all the abusive episodes since you met him. And how they made you feel. Gaslighting and lying made me feel I was going crazy. These men lie and are good liars so don’t believe a word he says. They will threaten and bully, manipulate use fear guilt and obligation to trap us in a fog of abuse. It’s devastating to accept our partner who we love is deliberately destroying us. Like an emotional vampire. You need to,look after yourself and don’t believe a word he says. I’d talk to a solicitor as most offer free advice initially. Get to know the truth about your rights and your future. There are court order and the police can remove him from the property if he’s abusive so keep as much evidence as you can. A journal, talk to your GP.
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Welcome to the forum. Financial abuse/control can be crippling. It’s often the one thing to keep us stuck so I’m commenting on this part of your post.
There is help and advice out there. There are practical things we can do and the law is on our side.
I just did a quick search online and found these.
https://www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/how-to-protect-your-finances-during-separation
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You can change passwords on accounts easily enough but if you don’t want to alert him get advice from your bank.
You can remove your name from the tenancy agreement. Do it officially and in writing. If your partner wants to stay in the property it will be his responsibility to make arrangements. Same goes with utilities. You can close accounts in your name. It will be the landlord’s job to put utilities in your partner’s name if he signs a new tenancy agreement.
Your responsibility for your partner ends when you leave. Be sure to do everything properly to protect yourself.
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Hello, I tried getting through to the NDA helpline recently (it was actually for someone else who was too frightened to call for themselves) and I found I was getting nowhere. I left a voicemail with my name and number and someone got back to me soon after. I initally missed the call and as it was on private number I couldn’t call back, they actually then called me a second time 10 mins later! Also, when I spoke to the very kind lady she advised that if you leave a voicemail for a call back but know you only have a certain amount of time whilst he’s not around to talk or something then tell them that in the voice.ail and they’ll try to prioritise your call back. Hope this helps xx
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Hi – after reading a few other threads on here I thought I’d come on and say, I haven’t been entirely truthful about my situation because I’m to ashamed and embarrassed. I have 4 children too. (detail removed by Moderator) ( my 2 teenagers are from previous marriage) I feel huge huge guilt that I haven’t shielded them from his ways. The guilt eats me up inside. My eldest came to me (detail removed by Moderator) and said mum do you realise what he does is gaslighting and manipulation. Since then she’s talking to me at least once a week about how she feels about things and things that have been said before. She feels huge relief that I am on the same page as her. I am being careful what I say. Even though she’s quite grown up she’s still young to me. This is why I don’t know how to just leave the home. Because of the kids. I have family – and my daughter said she has told my dad a certain few things and he’s told her to come to him about anything again, but they’re waiting for me to come to them as they don’t want to interfere. I can’t go stay with them as they have an elderly relative living with them in a 3 bed house and me and 4 kids in one room would be a bit tight. Even though I am self employed and have income I’m not rolling in it and can’t just rustle up a deposit and month in advance for a private rent. The nearest refuge is about an hour away. All my work related things are in the vacinity of my house and I can’t drive. Anymore advice would be welcome
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Well I’ve found out that when I’ve been out at work if the two younger ones hand writing isn’t good enough he rips it up and makes them do it again. And if I go out for a (removed by moderator) run, if they are being a bit manic as kids can be, he’s been telling me lies about what happens when I’m out. He’ll just say oh I had to tell them to calmed down a bit as they got loud. And my (removed by moderator) older kids have said twice he has got really shouty and scary slamming doors and threating to break their tablets. I’ve stopped going out running. I can’t stop going out to work. He’s lying to my face.
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