Is it bad?

[BlueLion]

What should I do?

He’s been abusive for the past year but has been normal for the past few months.

It was my birthday (detail removed by Moderator), he got stuck at work so was late. He then was nasty on the (detail removed by Moderator) shouting and calling me a d**k because I wanted to use public transport rather than driving. I told him I wasn’t standing for name calling again.

On (detail removed by Moderator), we went out for the day but he was still being nasty. He pushed me into the wall at home when getting ready and got into my face. In the car I was angry so I threw the (detail removed by Moderator) from one footwell to the other. He then threw the (detail removed by Moderator) at me. Even angrier, I threw the (detail removed by Moderator) out of the car.

He saw it, opened the door (I was sat next to our young daughter in the back) and dragged me out of the car onto the pavement. A van started to drive past and he panicked and made me get up. All the while our poor little girl is screaming and she looks terrified.

It’s never going to get better is it? It’s just going to get worse? Is this really bad? He blames work and for wanting the weekend to go perfectly and me winding him up. He never apologises because it’s always mine or someone else’s fault.

I don’t know what to do.

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Bluelion,
No, it’s not going to get better Hun, if it was the first time….? But it isn’t is it. Get in touch with your local women’s aid group, phone the helpline when you can, they’ll give you numbers of organisations who can help you. Make sure you have a plan to leave quickly if you have to see the WA advice page, keep yourself and your daughter safe. They always blame us for winding them up, but they’re the one being abusive. Dragging you out of the car like that… you need to take care. I don’t want to alarm you, but I wouldn’t trust him. Is there anyone you could stay with? I would really think about it. Please try to phone the helpline, get some advice. Take care, keep posting. Hugs

[SunshineRainflower]

Google Cycle of Abuse and the Power and Control Wheel. He will have been in the honeymoon then tension building phases and is now in the incident stage. The abuse is escalating and getting violent, it is very serious that he dragged you out of the car and of course then tried to hide it from passers by, very cowardly and shows he knows what he is doing is wrong. Please ring the helpline and your local service and get some advice and support, he sounds dangerous so please look after yourself and be careful.

[Malachite]

Yes, that’s very bad, Bluelion. 🙁
Acting like that is definately abusive. I’d be scared of getting in a car with someone like that, no wonder you want to get on public transport. The fact he knows it’s wrong to behave that way yet won’t appologise is worrying.
Is there someone you can talk to about this? If your family/friends knew what was happening what do you think they’d say?

I’m sorry this is happening.

[BlueLion]

Thanks for your replies.

Yesterday, he acted as if nothing was wrong or had happened. It’s confusing.

We weren’t meant to go out today but I’ve said I feel unwell so he’s gone out for the morning instead.

I’ve contacted all the local support before, the one that is my area says im too out of catchment but im not in catchment for anywhere else so they can’t offer me outreach support. Another has had its funding cut so they said they can’t offer anything other than a coffee morning every other Wednesday. Maybe I should try women’s aid again?

I’ve tried to get a flat to rent but no one will accept me on benefits (which I will need to be on after a few months to afford it). I work part time and my LG is settled at nursery so can’t move too far out of area.

I can stay with friends or my dad, I just don’t feel brave enough to go. I have also told friends in the past but I feel I am wasting their time because I keep on staying – they are being supportive but I feel like an inconvenience.

[Malachite]

Sorry, I’m confused by: “We weren’t meant to go out today but I’ve said I feel unwell so he’s gone out for the morning instead.”
Did you mean to say “we were meant…”
Or do you mean that because you’re ill he thought it’d be a good idea to leave you and the kids in the morning when you could do with help with caring for yourself and child(ren)?

Can you get the friends that know about the abuse to call WA for you? That way you don’t have to find a time when you’re safe and keep getting voicemail, and they can write down info/advice for you without you having to hide it from him.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi BlueLion,

I too had the same problem about renting but eventually found a few letting agents who had landlords listed who accepted benefits and eventually found a nice place that also accepted my cat. The council often have a list too, plus you can sometimes apply for housing with the council due to domestic abuse. And if you google ‘rent direct from landlord’ you will find websites that have properties from private landlords listed many of whom do consider benefits depending on the tenant, it is much easier to negotiate when you go through them directly (and you save on the letting agents fees too).

That sounds very disappointing about your local service, I can’t believe they are saying you’re not covered anywhere, could you ask to speak to the manager to get that reconsidered? It seems crazy they would just let you be in danger like that just because of some abitrary catchment area. Also ring the helpline again/get a callback and tell them about the catchment area issue so they can give you support and advice.

Finally, check on google if you have any abuse-specialist charities in your area, I have a few here and they were able to help me too. Keep going and don’t give up.

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