Is it control? Or me ?

[Hazy9027]

Cutting a long story short, feel free to ask questions. So after (detail removed by Moderator) of continuous argueing over finances, (detail removed by Moderator) was fast approaching where my girls would be at their (detail removed by Moderator) and I knew he would try and make up as it was an opportunity us to be alone which was a pattern I seen often during our relationship when my girls weren’t around. (detail removed by Moderator) was a little off but we still bantered our way through it and I think more to keep the peace as we both knew we had to earn some money (detail removed by Moderator) for our rent. I decided I wanted to go to bed but chose to go to bed (detail removed by Moderator) as it’s cold in our room and have said this before on other occasions which had resulted in sarcastic remarks and him (detail removed by Moderator) too! (So when I met him his always liked us to (detail removed by Moderator), not something iv been familiar with before this relationship but I made the effort to try something new) (detail removed by Moderator) was one of those nights it was cold and I couldn’t think of anything worse and he stormed out of the room slagging me off. He then stormed back in told me to (detail removed by Moderator) and sleep in (detail removed by Moderator) room. Called me a (detail removed by Moderator) and as I was walking into (detail removed by Moderator) room he headbutted me in the (detail removed by Moderator). Now I sit here wondering could I have handled this differently ? Was it me that should of just (detail removed by Moderator) and this wouldn’t of happened. (detail removed by Moderator) threatening to not go to earn the money for the rent knowing this will stress me out. I just feel so lost and confused. If you have any questions please ask. (detail removed by Moderator) so I’m tired and am just looking for advice so if there’s anything I haven’t quite covered I’m happy to answer.

[Lisa]

Hi Hazy9027,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for posting about your situation. I hope that you find it helpful to share support here with other survivors.

None of what you describe happening was your fault. There is nothing that you could have done to deserve being treated in this way. This absolutely is controlling behaviour, it’s domestic abuse. He is choosing to abuse you, it’s not about anything you did or didn’t do. You have a right to be warm and comfortable while you sleep. Headbutting you is a serious physical assault. If you have injuries from this, please do get them checked out by a medical professional to make sure you’re okay. He’s also being controlling with the finances, it’s all part of an ongoing pattern of abuse.

If you think you would like some support to help you make sense of what’s happening, you could reach out to your local domestic abuse service. You should be able to speak to a specialist domestic abuse worker who understands. You deserve to have support and to be safe.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Better-days]

Hazy9027 I’m still in my abusive relationship and lying in my child’s  bed as I reply so I know the feeling. What has happened to you tho is definitely abuse you are allowed to go to bed however you like. Is this the first time he has been physical. If it is it will definitely happen again and most likely get worse. I joined this forum years ago and just recently started really thinking of leaving when the time is right for you reach out to woman’s aid explore your options. I know how scary it is but you deserve so much better I hope you’re ok. X*x

[Hazy9027]

No it isn’t the first time and I’m sure not the last ! We have now gone over a week argueing on and off about the money which is where this has all stemmed from on multiple occasions since we moved in together. So I have the issue that I don’t earn as much as he does and yet he wants me to pay out all the money I have in bills to go halves on this property I cannot afford and he knew this and knows it now so that all my money has gone and I have to ask him for money to lend or to buy shopping etc as I just physically cannot get it. I earn what I earn and he still refuses to see that although he earns way more than I do and still has money to buy his luxuries unlike myself he doesn’t feel he should be committing to paying more he would rather let me spend all mine then I’m under his thumb for the next 3-4 weeks and if we aren’t getting along like now he refuses to get my 2 girls and help towards anything. (detail removed by moderator) he again knows this I just feel so much frustration. And no the girls aren’t his. Whenever we fall out he completely ignores my 2 girls aswell when they haven’t done nothing wrong! Sorry if I’m venting I feel so hurt by all of it. And thank you for listening x I’m sorry to hear your still going through it too ! It’s a mine field living with such cruel intentional people that thinks it’s okay to treat another human in this way !

[Better-days]

It definitely is and like you I pay all my wages into house he earns double what I do and when I ask him to transfer me money which is most likely for shopping off food he asks what I do with all my money. Before I joined this forum it was a Joke in the house I would call him miserable ect, after reading lots of post about financial abuse I was so shocked at how many other men done this. I am trying so hard to leave but I feel like housing options I’m my area r holding me back but hopefully one day. I hope ur ok the constant arguing is so exhausting big hugs

[Sad and alone]

Certainly sounds like abuse to me! It’s horrible how you question yourself isn’t it? Yet if you saw it happening to someone else you’d know straight out?

I’m also still in my relationship, kidding myself during good times that things are better. Financial control has really become apparent recently where I was basically told I couldn’t get a job unless I earned twenty or thirty pounds an hour. Which is impossible for me with no skills etc to do a job paying that much. We have a joint account that money he earns goes in. He has accused me of taking off him and taking it for granted and how he is the one supporting everything. Even before we moved away he controlled what job I did and wouldn’t let me do things I wanted like change jobs. He says he’s earned everything to get us where we are today. But then his get out is that he says he’s told me I’m in charge of all the paperwork and accounts etc. Sometimes he’ll make comments about something I’ve bought (it’ll only be food or drink, just little treats as I don’t buy anything) and make me feel uncomfortable for having them.
It’s not fair and it’s tiring. Money causes so much stress as it is and if he’s purposefully doing things to cause it and won’t stop I’m not sure what else you can do. Did you know this was going to be the set up when you moved in together? Did you explain what you could afford? Things can be very different once you’re both under the same roof.
I hope things get better for you.

[Hazy9027]

I am so confused again ! He is now packing boxes taking them (detail removed by Moderator) and took all of the (detail removed by Moderator) telling me I’m responsible for paying all the bills now knowing I can’t afford it but will still want to gain access to the house as and when he likes. This was all over him suggesting that he asked me to collect him (detail removed by Moderator) which he never asked me as I would’ve picked him I had no reason not to we were getting along. (detail removed by Moderator) He took my car off charge (detail removed by Moderator) This was because I took our (detail removed by Moderator) key so that as planned before all this started I could continue on my day off sorting through my things. As he wouldn’t tell me which was the (detail removed by Moderator) key as we only have one between us he keeps it on him at all times. Am I in the wrong I feel so lost hurt confused unsure of myself now

[Author]

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