Is it controlling behaviour?

[Medusa]

Hi forum,
My first post here. I am confused and anxious. To gauge your view on this I will try to summarise. During many years of marriage (including having children) my husband has occasionally but regularly been verbally abusive to me and the children. There has also been a lot of blame shifting and preaching to the kids about how they should take control of their emotions, anger etc when he has been the one not controlling himself.
I confronted him (detail removed by Moderator)s ago, I got help myself with a therapist and decided to bring out there occasions when he’s been shouting at me/ the kids and calling us names. We booked a time with a therapist and had a few sessions. I kept reiterating how I felt due to this behaviour , he kept saying that I am not forgiving and the lack of intimacy is making him depressed. He would try to convince me with comparisons like ‘I have never hit you, that shows I have limits’ or ‘I was not doing well at the time, had just lost my mum’, ‘I am really struggling being a dad’ etc etc. He would say that being married means that you should be there for each other through the hard times and I am judging him on a few incidents, most of our time together has been good.
Suddenly, (detail removed by Moderator) ago, he suddenly’got it’ and said that he can see what he has done, he will change. Over night he booked in therapy for himself, started going to the gym, helps with cleaning the house etc. He constantly wants updates on if this has changed my mind about him, is he now a man I can love? (I did tell him I lost my feelings along the way and I don’t trust him anymore). It’s very hard to just forget about all the things said, he has also blamed his eating disorder on me and saying I prioritise friends, family and work above him. It’s probably true that all 3 have been an escape for me. Whilst he feels massively deprived of intimacy and I feel deprived of trust and friendship.
This total turnaround is so confusing for me. Before I was ‘in the wrong’ because I deprived him of intimacy, I was unforgiving and now I am ‘in the wrong’ because I don’t appreciate his change and the effort he makes. It feels like a different type of control- control over the situation and our discussions.
Apologies long one but my mind is about to blow up. I should also say that I have told him (detail removed by Moderator) times that I don’t want this anymore but he managed to convince me to go through more therapy.
X

[KIP.]

Hey there. The short answer is yes it’s definitely controlling behaviour. It’s emotional abuse. He’s still blaming you, not listening to your boundaries and is simply not interested in your feelings. It probably never was. You want out of the relationship. I tried dozens of time and was always coerced, manipulated, threatened, and just broken down to stay. I too used to get how I prioritised other above him. Theses men are never satisfied and you could be the most perfect partner and he will find fault in that and simply move the goal posts leaving us spinning. It’s not you it’s him. Have you spoken to your local women’s aid for support. He should be going to therapy because he needs it, not as a tool to use against you. He won’t ever change and yes there will have been nice times. It’s called the cycle of abuse.

[Eggshells]

Yes, it is controlling and abusive. The fact that he keeps asking if he’s done enough to change your mind speaks volumes. My ex kept me in our marriage for decades using exactly those tactics. Once he felt safe that he’d won me back, the whole control and abuse thing would creep, undecided, back I’m and the whole cycle would begin again.

So he’s never hit you. I’m guessing you’ve never hit him either? That should be a given not something to crow about as though he’s special because of it. He’s not hit you because he’s never needed to, you’ve always complied before it got that far.

There’s a really good book I’d recommend – Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. It might be an eye opener for you XX

[Medusa]

Thank you both for taking the time to answer.
When I do look back at these conversations I can see that it is controlling and mental abuse. When you are face to face with this very strong willed and articulate person it’s a different story though. I truly understand how you can feel like you are going mad when the abuse is verbal.
It will be the little things like he takes the nice approach and says ‘you are right, I have been abusive. If you cannot forgive me I will move out and you stay in the house with the boys’ – now that sounds more like ‘why did you let us spend money on (detail removed by moderator) if you were going to leave me anyway’ or ‘the kids will have to move further away from school, we have to sell if we get divorced’.

The devil is in the detail and he is a very clever man.

Many thanks for the book recommendation and for the support! X

[KIP.]

It’s the subtle manipulation that’s crazy making but well done for spotting it. Same as my ex. You couldn’t afford to live here alone, meaning the house would be sold. You wouldn’t get custody, meaning I’d lose my child. It’s frightening coercion. But when you step back it’s quite ridiculous but the fear and panic jumps in thats why it’s best to make your own plans behind his back. He’s had chance aster chance. See a solicitor and slowly get all your ducks in a row. Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft another good book.

[Author]

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