is it controlling?

[purpleunicorn20]

I’m not even sure if this is worth asking about but im really upset and confused about it all.
So something with my partner happened and i’m not sure if hes being indirectly controlling or whether i am overthinking it.

To give you the background i was planning to find someone where to live with my partner. We had been planning it for ages but he changed his mind and said he didn’t want to live with me. Later on he then changed his mind again but he didn’t want to commit fully. But i am a student so need somewhere to live (detail removed by moderator). Then another of my friends said he needed somewhere to live so we decided we would find somewhere together. My partner was fine at the time and we agreed if he found a job near he could later move in. At this point we haven’t found anywhere to live yet.

But now (detail removed by moderator) later he has got angry and doesnt want to live with my friend. This is because my friend didn’t say (detail removed by moderator) to him which really upset my partner. So my partner has now said i have to pick to live with my friend (who i made an agreement with) or him. I’m finding it difficult because if i drop my friend he will have no where to live for next year. However my boyfriend has said it would be weird for me to live with another guy and will break up with me if i don’t choose him.

Writing it all down it seems like such a stupid situation. But my boyfriend has become really angry about it. Because i said i can’t just drop my friend he kept saying i don’t care about him at all. And keeps saying he will break up with me if i don’t pick him. And he won’t pick up any of my calls for the past (detail removed by moderator). But he is also getting angry at me trying to sort things out.
It sounds so silly but the way hes acting and the fact he may break up with me is really upsetting. I don’t even know if it is abuse or controlling and i feel silly writing putting it up considering some other things people have gone through. But i wanted to see what people thought of it.

Is his actions reasonable? is he controlling? or am i just being dramatic?

 

 

[KIP.]

It’s controlling and abusive. He’s using your friend as an excuse to abuse you. Making you choose is abusive. He was fine before this guy supposedly didn’t say (detail removed by moderator). How ridiculous. Go ahead and make your plans to find somewhere secure to live because if this guy can end the relationship because some stranger didn’t say (detail removed by moderator). There’s lots more controlling behaviour to come. It’s not about the (detail removed by moderator) remark. He’s testing you to see if your his next victim. Block him and ignore him. He’s ignoring you as a punishment and to continue his controlling behaviour. He’s expecting you to come running and giving in to his demands. This isn’t how a healthy relationship works x

[Wants To Help]

Hi there,

Here is my view on this, for what it’s worth 🙂 It’s not a stupid situation and how you handle this will likely be a huge turning point for you.

Domestic Abuse is when one person makes another person fearful of repercussions for things they say or do. Relationship Conflict is when people don’t agree on things, perhaps there are signs that the relationship is not compatible and things are coming to an end, however, no one in the situation is afraid for their mental or physical safety during the conflict.

Your boyfriend could not make up his mind if he was ready to live with you or not, which in my opinion, is fine. However, you needed to find somewhere to live and you made alternative arrangements, which again, is fine. If your boyfriend does not get on with your friend and would not feel comfortable house sharing with him, again, in my opinion, that is also fine. The fact that he is now having a bit of a tantrum about it and giving you an ultimatum that he will end the relationship if you don’t do what he wants is the difficult bit. Are you AFRAID of your boyfriend and what he will do if you don’t do as he wants, or are you not ready for the relationship to end and will be UPSET if he does end it?

(Detail removed by moderator) Your boyfriend clearly has some signs of jealousy and insecurity about you living with another male and does not believe that women can have genuine, platonic relationships with men. Your boyfriend will never change, these are HIS issues to recognise and deal with. Even if he has been cheated on in the past, they are still HIS issues and you should not have to compensate or take the brunt of how a previous partner treated him. His anger is a natural emotion, but does his anger SCARE you or UPSET you? If you become scared of a partner when they get angry, then that is a sign of abuse, but if you feel you can walk away without any issue until he calms down, that is conflict.

In my opinion, if you give in to your boyfriend and let your friend down because it’s purely what your BOYFRIEND wants then you are paving the way forward to him making unreasonable demands of you again and expecting you to comply. A compromise may be that you will continue with your plans to rent with your friend until your friend can find someone else to share with and help him with the rent. This may be a six month contract at least. If your boyfriend is not happy with that and ends the relationship he may actually be doing you a favour and freeing you of someone who is jealous and possessive, but that may not be what you want. Often relationships come to an end because ultimatums are given and compromises can’t be reached, but this doesn’t automatically make the relationship abusive. If violence and fear tactics are used for him to get what he wants then it does. It’s that line been unreasonable behaviour and abusive behaviour, your gut instinct will tell you what it is.

Stay true to yourself and do what you feel is right. Good friends can be around for a life time, jealous boyfriends come and go.

[bringbacktheoldme]

Your situation is a tough one especially with the edits to protect your identity.

Your boyfriend couldn’t make his mind up about making the commitment to live with you so you were in effect forced to seek alternative arrangements, which you did with your friend and you were right to do so as you would have had nowhere to live otherwise and reading between the lines, your friend did something which upset your boyfriend so now he doesn’t want to move in, which I can see that point of view as who would like to live with someone they don’t get along with? However that is his choice and your plans are already in place to find somewhere with your friend.

The tough part is the ultimatum he has issued to you. On one hand it seems to be a controlling situation given the nature of the other things he has said regarding breaking up with you if you don’t chose him and him getting angry which is what is causing you the distress, I would hope I am correct from what you have written that he hasn’t become violent at any point during this? as if so you need to seek assistance to prevent any harm coming to yourself.
On the other hand he may just see you living with another male a threat to your relationship because in his eyes you may develop feeling more than just friendship in that living situation, however this seems to have some trace of jealousy in there which could be related to a past relationship but again this is his cross to bare and needs to seek help to work through those issues.

I know this seems like a very “sat on the fence” response but if it were me I would proceed with caution and if the situation does escalate then cut all ties and contact the relevant people for support.

[purpleunicorn20]

Thank you everyone for your honest replies. It really is a tough situation and i don’t know what to do.

The main reason i put up the post was recently i have seen a read up alot about emotional abuse as there has been a few things i’ve started noticing. Like he will blame everything on me and call dumb reguarly. If i want to spent time with him he will call me controlling. And he regulary tells me i make everyones life hell, including today. When he loses his temper he will always threaten to leave me and says horrible things. This has been going on for most of our relationship but only recently i’ve been thinking it might not be okay, because my friends pointed it out. I am still coming to terms with it all and right now i love him too much to leave him.
But the one thing i thought was atleast he doesn’t try control what i am doing or who i am friends with. So what happened with the renting situation has shock me a bit and i was panicking that maybe hes trying to control. But i dunno.

It’s worth adding that we’ve been together since we were young, and he has had no previous relationships so hasn’t been cheated on. But the main thing is my other male friend is gay and Has a boyfriend. And before this situation they got on really well.

[KIP.]

Abuse always gets worse. It’s nothing to do with this gay friend. Abusers will simply invent problems to hide their abuse behind. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. And speak to your local women’s aid or the national domestic abuse helpline. Be careful about calling it love, love doesn’t hurt us, call us names and make us feel bad. Loving him won’t stop his abuse. Abusers work on destroying our self confidence and self esteem, leaving us vulnerable to them. By calling you names he’s making you feel insecure and you go to him for reassurance. The very person who is trying to destroy you. Healthy relationships build each other up, support and car and encourage new friendships. Abuser will destroy friendships and try to isolate us. Threats to end the relationship is controlling behaviour. Do as I say or I will end things. Don’t change your friends and your behaviour for an abusers x it will never be enough and he will constantly change the goal posts. It’s not a healthy relationship and he won’t change x

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