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I posted earlier but for some reason – it was really difficult to read. (It was full of codes and numbers)
I’m just after a little bit of advice as my mind feels so messed up and confused over everything. I’m struggling because after all these years I’m starting to question my relationship. It’s never been perfect but is it broken? Is it toxic? I’ve been told that it’s domestic abuse but I just can’t see it that way.
Most of the time he’s fine – grumpy and slightly irritable but fine. He loses his temper quickly, gets annoyed easily and snaps at me – a lot. He has a problem with drinking (although fully in denial) and it’s when he’s drunk that the real problems show up.
He can be a little pushy when it comes to sex – nothing physically forcible but I do feel like he guilt trips me into having sex when I don’t want it. He will remind me that ‘I owe him’ because he bought me something. I’ll tell him how hurtful that is and he swings it back onto me – making me feel crazy! He will tell me he was joking – but he wasn’t. Sometimes he will want to do something that I really don’t want to – so I will say no but he will carry on until I either move away from him or give up saying no – give in. Sometimes I give in because in the past he’s sulked – and I don’t want that tension.
He has accused me of cheating – multiple times. (I have not) It has got to the point where I don’t like talking to other men in case he thinks I fancy them. I know he checks my phone – he of course denies it.
In arguments he takes it too far – verbally. He names calls and picks me out on the things he knows hurts – the things he knows destroys me. He makes me feel crazy – like everything is my fault. He’s perfect – I’m the messed up one.
He loses his temper quickly – sometimes when he’s driving and gets ‘road rage’ I genuinely believe we are going to die. I tell him to stop – to slow down and he tells me he’s in control. Sometimes an argument will explode – he will throw things at me – smash things up – pull or push me. He hasn’t physically attacked me badly apart from (detail removed by moderator)..
I said something which ‘triggered’ him and as I walked away he ran up and kicked me hard – in the back. I hit him back – I don’t know if it was out of fear or retaliation but I hit him back. As a result I ended up on the floor holding myself while he hit me over the back of the head a few times. After he tried dragging me out of the house.
The next morning he acted normal until I told him I was hurt. At first he blamed me – I pushed him to his limit – I hit him – it’s all my fault. When I told him I was leaving – he quickly changed and was apologetic. He was sorry – he would never do that again – he loved me and he couldn’t lose me.
As I read it back – it sounds awful but it’s not like that all of the time. Most of the time – he is fine – slightly grumpy but fine. I know he loves me – I know he works hard for me – I know he cares.
I am also not perfect – I am rubbish with money and I have some childhood trauma that leaves me sad and unable to function at times. He puts up with my constant mood changes. I think if I was better – if I kept the house cleaner then he wouldn’t be so stressed. If I didn’t push him to his limits then he wouldn’t explode in a rage. I think it’s not his fault he gets so angry easily but is that just me making excuses up for him?
I feel like it’s a cycle – he drinks – something happens – he’s sorry – I forgive him. How do I break this cycle or do I need to wake up and realise what’s happening?
we’re currently at the ‘one more chance’ stage and I hate to admit it but we’ve been here before (more times than I can remember) I have said one more chance – and if it doesn’t work – I’m leaving. If he crosses the line – it’s over but now I’m starting to question where is the line? He’s verbally and now physically attacked me and I’m still here – what will it take?
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I’m concerned that he’s probably raping you. Consent isn’t a thing with coercion. I’m also concerned that he’s physically attacking you.
You will only break the cycle by leaving, and it sounds as though staying is the safer option. Please speak to your local Women’s Aid and dial 101 to find out if your local police run a Domestic Abuse service. The police should help you as well. If you’re in immediate danger, call 999.
So many of us normalise rape and abuse to protect ourselves and you’re not alone.
It’s a cycle which started way back when they were little. We can’t change it. We can only escape.
Nobody ‘just leaves’ an abusive relationship. There’s support out there to rebuild after abuse. The abusers will carry on abusing.
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SeaView21: I have been struggling to accept that my reality is valid and even though I feel confused and like I am going crazy, I know I am not the crazy one. I have had to constantly remind myself that this behavior is not normal and to try to stop doubting myself. This is what they do. They sow these seeds of doubt in you over time. For me it has been nearly (detail removed by moderator) decades, with a house and kids. I know I will be made to be the bad guy for blowing up our lives, but I think I have finally decided to go through with this and leave him. I filed for divorce (detail removed by moderator) years ago. When my husband was served the only thing he said, besides being very p****d, was “(detail removed by moderator)”. Cause it is about him and all the contempt that comes with it. He said nothing about how he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me. He believes he is the victim. No, he is the coward! He had (detail removed by moderator) years to try to do anything at all to work on himself for the sake of this relationship, but he won’t cause he doesn’t believe any of this is his problem or his fault. He demeans, mocks and humiliates me with words like “(detail removed by moderator)”. I asked him to stop with the verbal abuse and he rationalizes why it’s OK for him to speak to me this way. He is never wrong. He will never apologize.
He has started putting random belongings of mine in the (detail removed by moderator) and is paranoid all the time, claiming that I deliberately do things out of spite. This is just not true. I ask him to help me with a house project or chore and he refers to himself as a “(detail removed by moderator)”. If he is going to do anything for me then I will to owe him. Everything is transactional. This is what they do: Dismiss, Deny and Devalue. Don’t let him make you doubt yourself. One of the biggest issues I have had to deal with, besides the overwhelming emotional abuse, is the financial abuse. He made it so I had no money, no bank accounts or credit cards. He also has isolated me from my family who are on the other side of the country. I am completely alone out here. I was alone all day with young kids, no family and no money. Anytime we cannot afford a need he says it is because of me and my spending. I call b******t. He catastrophizes. Not everyone is good with money. I bet you are good at a lot of other things though. Don’t let him shame you. This does not make you a bad person and in a healthy relationship (I have heard) you love all of the person, not just the parts they find acceptable.
The physical abuse started soon after my first child was born. All of it really started then. He started with throwing (detail removed by moderator) and (detail removed by moderator) at me. I finally filed for divorce after he punched me, but I withdrew charges because of the guilt I felt. Living like this has and is affecting my physical and mental health. I know I have PTSD, I am jumpy, anxious, nervous, my appetite is nonexistent, and I cry every day. My life with this man is maddening hell. I hope even one part of this can be of help to you. I am tired of the abuse, the gaslighting, the crying, isolation, contempt, humiliation, confusion and pain. No one should have to describe their relationship this way, but the worst thing we can do is doubt and lie to ourselves. You are stronger than you know. You deserve to be in a healthy loving relationship. You absolutely deserve to be happy. We all do!
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Thank you for responding.
I am going to say that it doesn’t feel like rape – I can say no. It’s not forced – it’s just the guilt in me that lets it happen. (Why the guilt? I have no idea)
I have ‘woken up’ a little and realised that everything isn’t right – so my next steps are planning to leave.
Thanks again.
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Absolutely, this is abuse. You have a right to feel safe, to feel good about yourself and to be you. Please start to think about practical ways of getting out if you need to at short notice. Fortunately, I never had to experience physical abuse. Everything was emotional cycles of manipulation, repeat patterns of behaviour. I’m sure someone could offer advice on how to help prepare, in case you need to leave quickly. Please remind yourself that you deserve to feel good about yourself… we all do and if someone makes you feel otherwise… they are not someone you want in your life. Take care and keep posting.
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Oh I’m so sorry this is all happening.
If youre having sex to keep his mood in check, that is sexual coercion. If you’re doing it because he guilt trips you into it. It is sexual coercion.
Everything else sounds like a mirror of my life, so similar to my husband and I am absolutely walking out.
We have small children and he is devastated that he will not get to live with them but he is not a good role model for them.
I don’t want my kids growing up to think it’s okay to treat people that way or to accept being treated that way.
I’m doing it for them.
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Totally relatable seaview!
I have just read some of these comments and can relate to the having sex as you feel guilty and to keep his moods in check. He would get in a terrible bad mood if we hadn’t had it in a while. I used to think I best have sex with him now or its just going to get worse and my anxiety. Very few and far between I actually enjoyed it.
Just had a realisation that I’ve endured sexual coercion for many years. Feeling very sad right now.
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I wanted to ask… if anyones partner just puts there hand on there private area and just keeps it there? Mine did all the time and 99% of the time I found it uncomfortable but when I would either move his hand or move myself so his hand would come off he would get in a mood or huff and puff. I absolutely hated it but he continued to do it. It honestly was so weird. What is he achieving by having his hand there? It made me feel trapped to be honest.
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Bluebirds my ex husband of decades used to put his hand near there and if I didn’t respond would as he put it take it as asign of rejection and say that’s a no then and left the bedroom angry ..I knew it wasn’t a sign of affection and immediately felt under pressure and anxiety as I knew what was expected he was good in a lot of ways but the sexual coercion and silences if he didn’t get his way messed with my head for years it just made me feel anxious ..
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Jedi warrior- thanks for replying. 100% I would get that… that’s a no then. Honestly my anxiety would be going crazy. His silence when he didn’t get it enough totally messed with my head and totally felt pressured with anything sexual. He actually said to Me towards the end you keep rejecting me making me feel guilty.
I hope you are in a better place now. Sending love x
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It’s not just me and more importantly – I’m not going crazy!
I have also noticed – If I say not tonight and he’s drinking – he will pick and pick until he starts an argument. (Usually with himself because I’m over it – I have nothing to argue about anymore) I normally give up and walk away – which makes him even more annoyed.
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