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I’d appreciate people’s thoughts on whether there is any point. He is being more ‘normal’ at the moment – though saying that, the last episode of moodiness was only a week ago. He is seeing a therapist himself – though I don’t know how much she’s supporting his viewpoint (he’s in the right – we’re not). We talked the other day. He doesn’t know I’ve been sent to Women’s Aid. He’d just think it was over the top – he thinks me and the kids “gang up” on him. I think I’m just protecting them from his moods.
I reminded him of an incident he’d forgotten – where he refused to get up for our youngest who’d been sick in the night. I had to go to the doctors for me. He was asleep 2 floors up – and he wouldn’t get up to sit with her. I had to leave her with a bucket and keep calling her. It was half an hour before he got up.
He doesn’t remember it at all.
He has said he will go for counselling if I want. But I just don’t know. Is there any point?
Since he’s said he will go, does it mean he isn’t really controlling and emotionally abusive?
If I say no will it just be another excuse for him to paint me as the bad guy? -
Hi brews
I think he’s trying to make you feel guilty for his awful
Behaviour…these abusers have no empthay for there own kids ..I remember being in my relationship ..and he was never there for his own daughter when she had problems .where I helped her as much as I could . Even when i was ill .he had no empthay towards me .I was just there to serve his needs … I happy you are seeing women’s aid …
..don’t let him make you feel guilty stay strong x -
No. Women’s aid do not recommend joint councelling. I would never go either together. You can bet he remembers the incident with your sick child very well. If you remember it then he certainly does. My ex used to lie about remembering things too. Made me feel crazy. Google Gaslighting x I wonder what he’s seeing a therapist for? Is he using this to back him up, like my therapist says I’m right and you’re wrong? My ex used to use these tactics. Look all these people agree with me (lies) so you must have the problem. The first thing to know is that abusers are liars and every word that comes out their mouth is questionable.
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Sorry Brewsandshoes, I think you have your answer right there:
He has said he will go for counselling if I want.
From what I’ve read it is very rare for abusers to change and it has to come from them as it takes a lot of hard work. Couples counselling is not recommended for abuse situations as the abuser uses this to their advantage, often winning over the counsellor to their viewpoint – I wonder if this same dynamic occurs in one-on-one counselling with abusers. I highly recommend Lundy Bancroft’s book “Why does he do that?” for some very good insight into this.
The fact he sees this as a concession to you, in my opinion, indicates that he doesn’t see his behaviour as a problem. My ex-husband would like to throw “maybe I should see someone” (albeit for his issues (not his behaviour towards me!) and depression) into discussions but never did come even close to making an appointment, and would even poo-poo the idea of counselling at all other times. This was clearly (I now see) a fake vulnerability he presented during arguments to keep me off balance; to play the part of the victim.
xx
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Yes, his therapist “can’t believe he lets the kids get away with what he does”. I genuinely don’t know if blocked out the doctor incident. He did that thing of saying “just because you keep a list of what I’m supposed to have done in your head. You’re not perfect either”.
He was normal at the weekend. It was a headf***. I was waiting for him to snap. So much so that it was me who shouted at the kids.
I have read Lundy Bancroft. If anyone else hasn’t then I definitely recommend it. I decided to turn the corners on the pages that resonated. There were a lot of pages.
But even so I’m still unsure if he’s an emotional abuser, or an everyday (detail removed by Moderator)…
Thinking about how it went, he did change his story – eventually admitted he had been a BIT worse than me…
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I’d stayed at a friend’s near work on (detail removed by Moderator) night – so (detail removed by Moderator) was the first time I’d seen him since we had a big talk about everything. He’d also been to see his therapist (detail removed by Moderator). So after being calm and conciliatory on (detail removed by Moderator), it had all been festering and he was SO mad. He was more mad than I’d seen him before. He was sat in a chair across the room so I didn’t feel at risk, but his anger was scary. I don’t think he would be violent – but part of me almost wants it to go that way so others can see what’s happening.
I made a mistake on (detail removed by Moderator). I told him I think he gaslights. I think he does do it – not to the extreme, but definitely denying what I say has any truth to it. I shouldn’t have said anything. He was furious (detail removed by Moderator)– and also said his psychotherapist had never heard the term(???) – but he denied having done anything like it.
It’s just horrible. I couldn’t sleep last night and I feel sick today. I’m at work luckily, so have some space. But I feel like it’s all moving fast and I don’t feel ready. I’m waiting for a call back from my local helpline. He still insists on sleeping in the same bed, so I don’t know if I can even persuade him to sleep in the spare room, let alone go to his dad’s – which would be what I’d prefer.
I’ve got some emails from the counsellor who was the first one to suggest he’d been emotionally abusive – and I was thinking of showing them to him – when he seemed reasonable. Thank God I didn’t…
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