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I am desperate.
My H forces me to pay for the house knowing that I am ill and can not work full time. He has money but he wants me to pay bills which he hasn’t paid for (detail removed by Moderator) years.
I have (detail removed by Moderator) pounds left on my account but he doesn’t want to hear about that. I pay council tax every month and earn money to visit my parents.
I do all house work, he never ever helps me.
I don’t know what to do. I cry every night. I can not move out because I can not afford the rent. -
Yes I would see this as financial abuse. Citizens Advice Bureau are triained to give advice on this but you could also ring the helpline number on here. In 80 percent of financial abuse cases, there is other forms of abuse. It sounds like emotional abuse too if he sees you upset like this. You do not need to live like this. You can get free legal advice by ringing Rights for Women. At least visit a solicitor to see how you stand legally. I wonder what he is doing with all his money?
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Thank you so much for your support. I am going to Citizens Advice Bureau next week. Hope they can help me in this situation.
He is a gamer, I see him playing computer games all the time and watching porno (probably he pays for that, I don’t know)
I (work) at home sometimes but a few days ago he said that he doesn’t allow me to do that at home anymore. It was the only way for me to have some money. Now I am trapped.
When I try to talk to him and explain that I need help he starts screaming at me. -
I am currently going through something very similar I don’t know if it was abuse or a nightmare I’ve just come out of disorientated. I’ve gone from been a meticulous planner and life lover to a wreck. I made my first contact via telephone today reaching out to women’s aid but it’s beginning to make me feel even more paranoid the more I read up on domestic abuse. I’m trying to keep the lines of communication open with people but I can feel myself shutting get off after years of manipulation that I would lose everything if I did things legitimately. It was my home I asked him not to come back to but it no longer feels like my home it feels like a prison because of the embarrassment and shame I feel. You can quit a financial relationship and succeed I proved that to myself and it was when I did that my ex lied his way back into my head that my world came crashing down. Stay strong we can do this x
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The more I have read your responses the more I feel compelled to you as there are a lot of similarities ie feeling fearful, undermined, under appreciated, ignored.
I would be near on collapse on the floor crying and my ex had no remorse empathy or anything in fact he became either childlike and mocked or more frightening and cold. I never knew what was coming if I tried to stand my ground or tried to assert myself. I was made to feel bound by duty most times because I was regularly unfit for work due to suffering with bad assesses that required surgery (I’m hoping they cease now the stress factors are less high). He was a (detail removed by Moderator) by week and I never knew what to expect when he arrived home on the weekend. It got to the stage I would dread picking him up. That’s when I knew I couldn’t continue living like that. Try not to feed off of him and find the courage you had when you once had. It’s still inside you but hidden under the pile of rubble. Please keep speaking out on here x
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I didn’t sleep last night at all. He is threatening me with divorce now saying that I have to look for a new accommodation. I don’t know what to do really. My friend offered me to stay at her place but in this case he will blame me that I ve left him without paying. He is getting absolutely insane, he screamed yesterday even at our landlord. I can not write a lot about the situation because I am scared he can find what I am writing.
I am going to my friend today so I ll be able to call WA.
THANK YOU for your support. I need it very much.
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Sounds like he’s pushed you towards the situation where you cannot afford the deposit + rent on another place, which means that you feel you can’t leave, which I’d consider to be a form of control/abuse.
Also, if he’s not paying for anything *and* not doing housework, there’s probably some other type of abuse involved too, otherwise you would have challenged him and reached a compromise (it may be super subtle, like seeing you upset about finances and not helping out, as KIP says). Also, if you’re too poorly to work FT and he’s letting you do all the housework… that’s not a normal thing in a healthy relationship (at least not in 2018!).
I’m really sorry this is happening to you. I hope advice from CAB/RfW/WA helps you out of your situation.-
Thank you Malachite.
It is very difficult emotionally for me. One day he can be very nice but then like a devil. I stopped asking him for help because each time when I ask for something he says that he is busy (watching football or playing computer games) or just starts screaming at me. I think he has some psychological problem, he blames all people around him, criticizes, he is very rarely in good mood.
I talked to my friend today about the situation, she also recommended me CAB.
The problem is that I am so emotionally exhausted that when I talk about my problem I start crying and actually can not speak. It is easier for me to write. -
I’m so sorry this is happening to you, he sounds terrifying and really controlling.
Maybe Rights of Women could help with the bill-related issues? Shelter have done lots of work with DV too. I hope you find the help you need! A lot of women on here have spoken to their GP (I haven’t personally), maybe they could help you?
I’m sorry I can’t help more, it sounds like your friend is being supportive though? Could you stay with this friend if needs be? Or will he let you go to hers one evening and you can call WA from her house (they call back really quickly if you call them outside of their busy hours)?
Also, maybe WA or someone else can confirm, I remember reading that if you press ’55’ after calling ‘999’ you can stay silent and the police will check it out. I googled it and there’s several newspapers that say this, but I’d take it with a grain of salt unless someone actually has tried it.
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one thing I did in the past is to write something down on a piece of paper before I went somewhere so that if I had to see the G.p or whatever, at least I had something to start with.
Also if you are in touch with women’s aid or similar you may find they can go with you to see the CAB and whatever it is you need to do .
And also remember that CAB volunteers get very good training nowadays and are supposed to be able to deal with those of us whose communication needs are different.
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Have you googled cycle of abuse? Your partner is an abuser. There is a book called ‘Living with the Dominator’ by Pat Craven. But please get in touch with your local women’s aid. They can help you and explain what is happening to you. My ex was also Jeckly and Hyde. The aggressive behaviour is to prevent you bringing that subject up again so that he can continue his abuse without you questioning it. That’s how control works x keep trying the helpline x
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My ex made me believe I was in control of the finances by having everything paid into my bank. It’s not until now I can see that was for him and his gain alone. He put everything in my name the car the insurance and everything just so he could flip it onto me and blame me when I saw through his c**p. Even now he thinks he has silenced me with a harassment warning but he hasn’t removed my ability to speak altogether. I’m left actually pitying him and his new partner because I know when I commit to something I commit and I’m committed to me now. I gave him commitment he didn’t want it or appreciate it. There comes a time when we have to pay ourselves attention because their won’t always be others around to give it. I’m learning how to love myself again thankfully. You will too x
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I tried calling WA today but wasn’t successful. All lines were busy. I can not ask them to call me back because I can talk only when I am not at home. I will try again tomorrow.
He is pushing our landlord to transfer all bills to my name. I am scared.
If all his debts are transferred to my name can they force me to pay? I hope CAB can help me.
Good samaritan, I am glad you are free now. Do not think about your bad past. -
If he is the one forcing you to leave he should not be able to transfer them to you. I can’t see how that would be feasible if he intends to stay at the property. Speak to CAB or Shelter they were fantastic with me when I was on the verge of losing my home
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he forced me to give him my bank statements (and I gave him) He saw that I don’t have money so he said that I am useless and I have to do what he says. I can not say anything in reply because I am frightened of his reaction.
He doesn’t let me turn on heating (it is freezing cold now) but he uses heating in his room…
I want to escape from this nightmare…..
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My ex was the same he wouldn’t let me open the blinds or have the lights on when he was here. He said it was wasting electric so we were sat in darkness with just the TV for light when he was here. He used to watch what he wanted and if I left the room or tried to do anything for myself he would pick a fight. I got out of it because it felt like he was deliberately doing those things to force me to end it because he didn’t have the courage to.
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OMG! It is absolutely the same! I can not move or speak when he is watching TV. I have to eat ONLY what he wants, to watch only programs he likes and so on. He criticizes me all the time, that I don’t have brains, I watch wrong programs, I like “wrong” people.
If I say something he starts screaming at me and threatens with divorce.
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I spent a year planning a holiday around both our lives and for almost 6 mths all I got was this holiday is going to be the make or break of us. I ended it a couple of weeks before we were due to go. He’d made me that fearful we were going to row that I wasn’t willing to put myself through a week alone in unfamiliar surroundings.
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Also the same with the meals it was always what he wanted. I ended up piling weight on because it was all the wrong foods and then he would pull me down about my appearance and find it funny. I came so self conscience I was miserable. One of the positives I can take from it is since we split the stress has stopped my appetite and I have dropped several sizes. The psychological scars will take some time longer to heal though. I wouldn’t even attempt to start dating again without first learning to love myself again. It wouldn’t be fair to inflict myself on anyone as I am atm. Try and build up a support network and if you can open a bank account he doesn’t know about to try and regain some of yourself the person you was before him x
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OMG! it looks like I am reading my own messages! I have absolutely the same problems!
I ve put on weight because of all that horrible food we eat((((((( When I try to eat something healthy he says that it is expensive. He always asks me how much I paid if I go to the shop on my own.
I even don’t want to think about other men. I just want to become myself again and enjoy my life.
Thank you very much for your support! xx
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He would never let me buy healthy foods he called it rabbit food. It was always steaks fry ups takeaway. In almost a decade relationship with him he made 2 cups of tea for me and 1 burnt plate of chips which I never complained about. He would order things for the house and not tell me about them leaving masses of debt and wouldn’t hold down a steady job until about a 3rd of the way through and that is where he still is. It’s like he’s built a life for himself at my expense and just disposed of me like he did everything. He would ring me a week before pay day telling me what to do with the money and if I dared to question it or say we couldn’t afford to do that he would become absolutely vile. I feel absolutely drained by it all and just want to relieve my own burdens so I’m not a burden on others. I don’t know what will happen in the future but I don’t want to spend it living in fear of how her will lie his way in again
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I wish I could believe all the troubles were behind me but I truly believe I have reason to be fearful. That’s why I have an appointment with the police tomorrow and women’s aid. Something just feels really calculated about it all on his part
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I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I found when I couldn’t sleep and things got too much to the point I felt like ending it all I dug deep and called the Samaritans just for some reassurance that my life was worthwhile. Please don’t feel alone or afraid to speak out because the world also has some fantastic caring people. I am the youngest of 6 and always thought we were a close family but my sisters barely ring even if it’s just to ask if I’m ok. All I got from my mum was I told you he was trouble and no good for you and took some kind of glee that she was right. The only person that has really stood by me unjudgemental is my daughter because we can communicate about everything. You’re not alone please keep speaking out. Nobody should be made to feel the way we do at the hands of sheer cruelty x
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All advisers ask me if I still love him. The more I am thinking about it the more I realize that yes I do. I always thought that I could help him to be better, that my love will make him a nice person but NO((((( Now I start thinking that it is my fault that he is so aggressive, that I didn’t put ALL my effort to make his life better…..
I don’t know what to do?
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Thank you love.
I’ve been to the CAB today! They gave me hope. First of all they said that I shouldn’t worry about HIS debts, he can not transfer payments on my name if I don’t want.
Tomorrow I am having a session with a solicitor, and on Wednesday I am going to a One Stop shop.
I couldn’t stop crying but the adviser was very kind and spent 1,5 hr with me. He also referred me to the GP who was very kind to me too. Unfortunately I can not take any sleeping pills because of my illness (I am on some other drugs which are not compatible)
The adviser said that I need to make a very serious decision and split up with my H.
I am desperate because I still love him. I said that I hope that he will change but adviser said that such kind of people never change((((((((( and that I have to respect myself….
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