Is it just me?

[Tinkerbell.x]

Hi! I don’t really know if I am starting this the right way I’m just really confused and thought maybe this would be a good place to ask because I can’t talk to anyone around me about this.. it’s been nearly (detail removed by Moderator) years since the split and nearly (detail removed by Moderator) In a different relationship.. I bounced around for a bit I won’t lie in relationships because I just felt like I had something to prove. That as a single parent I could still find some.. I could show him and prove that he didn’t break me I could still be loved.. the thing is I still flinch around my partner I don’t even know why sometimes. I still freak out of he raises his voice even a but. I think he’s mad at me all the time. I think really he hates me or he’s cheating not that he ever really goes anywhere to do anything like that. He has no issues with me randomly just looking at his phone answering his texts. Basically he hasn’t done anything to deserve any of it. And the whole ” adult side” of the relationship I just don’t get there. I don’t know how to explain it but I’m just never in that mood and I just do it to make him happy. I always always have my eyes closed from the first time I’m touched anyway like that. My eyes close and stay closed the whole time untill it’s over. I don’t feel ANYTHING. It’s just like I’m shut off.. I don’t have an out of body experience like I know some do. I just stay there.. stay still or do something I know he likes but I can’t open my eyes, I can’t even feel anything I’m just praying it will end soon. He sometimes picks up on little things but he thinks it’s because he’s not doing it right for me so he changes things and I just kind of do as I’m told move as I’m told etc etc I’m so sorry if none of this is allowed.. or if I’m just upsetting anyone here. I just don’t know what to do if this is normal or not. The ex tries to stay in my life and still control me in any way possible. I had to cut of contact because of it. He’s never been a good parent and our child now sees that for themselves. He has recently tried to get in touch so he can play pretend for a day or two and then leave again. He tries to dangle things over my head because I said I will not force our child to do anything they don’t and that includes having to see him. He’s tried forcing me with many different things. Dangling money over my head, tried to be very aggressive with me etc etc. I asked many times for him to no longer contact me but I’m just waiting for that next message or just a knock at the door. I’ve never really spoke about what he did. I defended him for some silly reason even when other girls said he did it to them.. I was asked by others by his family members and I just sat there and said oh no never to me. How could I do something like that? I know really aswell seeing how this girl and another was treated that if I said anything nobody would believe me. Everyone would say I’m a lier even people I don’t know because everyone talks about everyone in my little town. I would just be told oh I don’t believe you, he’s amazing. He’s great he’s an absolute Saint etc.. this has so much rambling I’m so sorry.

[Lisa]

Hi Tinkerbell.x,

Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum, I’m glad you’ve felt able to reach out for support.

There is no right or wrong way to feel after you’ve been through abuse, but your explanation of how you feel makes sense, is valid and will likely resonate with other forum users. The effects of trauma can come out in varying ways, often some time after the abuse occurred. It sounds like you might now be in a place where you feel able to get some help with processing what you’ve been through.

Talking here with other survivors is a good place to start. I can also suggest the organisation Bloom, who provide courses that you can complete in your own time; have a look through their website for more details.

You could also consider counselling; ideally with someone who works in a ‘trauma-informed’ way and who understands the complexities of domestic abuse. You can ask your local domestic abuse service if they have links with counsellors, speak to a GP, or search online using the Counselling Directory.

It sounds like your ex is still trying to continue his abuse and control, so you are still living with the effects of this. You could talk to our Live Chat service to discuss any further safety planning or protective measures.

With regards to what you say at the end of your post- please try not to be hard on yourself that you didn’t tell anyone, you will have done this for valid reasons at the time.

Keep Posting,

Lisa

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Tinkerbell.x

Your post makes complete sense. I am so sorry for your awful experiences and I hope that you are now feeling in a place where you can get the help to prevent him ever approaching you again, and then you can start truly healing.

Can you reach out to your partner a little that you have had such bad experiences that you cannot be intimate until you receive help? Reading what you wrote is heart-breaking. This is supposed to be an experience that you are looking forward to and feel excited about, and if you are not, then its not right for you at that point. If he’s a good and decent man, he will not want to push himself on you, and its really important to know that you can say no, with, or without explanation, its up to you. You can become used to forcing yourself to tolerate this activity. Please consider how you may feel if you were doing this to someone else and it was making them feel they had to keep their eyes closed and tolerate what you were doing to them. He hasn’t done anything wrong, but its important you have an open and honest relationship in which you can grow in confidence and self-assertion, especially around intimacy. Your body is your own, for you, and only for sharing when thats something you positively want to do. You could suggest just having cuddles for a few weeks if you would like that, or whaatever you feel you would enjoy and not have to push yourself into. I am so sorry that you are going through this.

I hope you can find a way to keep him out of your life, so that you can finally feel safe, and move towards some help with healing after.

You were brave to write your experiences here, and you are very welcome and I hope that you can feel supported and welcomed here and speak as you need.

warmest wishes

ts

[StrongLife]

I just read your post and some of it resonates with myself especially about the yelling and anger of others. It can bother me now where as before I was not like this.

I too would recommend counselling with domestic violence counsellor (where I am it is free or scaled to your income – if you say it’s for domestic violence). Or perhaps a group – this can be free too. I’ve paid once a small fee for one of them but it was minimal fee.

Keep looking if the first one does not “fit”

[Author]

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