Is it like a mental illness?

[Sad and alone]

I still can’t comprehend the behaviour or make any sense of it. How they can’t see the problem with the way they behave.
I’ve had an okay day but just like that a certain issue has been raised and I’m being told I have no pride in myself and I just sulk and cry and hide away and just all the usual insults. Do they crave confrontation? Because if he didn’t say this sort of thing to me I wouldn’t be upset and there’d be no atmosphere or argument. I tell myself all the time that what he says isn’t true. I tell him so but that he can think what he wants. He isn’t happy unless I agree with him though, even when it comes down to him telling me what or how I am.
Why can they not see the wrongness in the way they act? Other people can see it but they just think they’re in the right, or I get told he’s just trying to help me.
I don’t want to excuse behaviour by saying it’s a mental illness but it really feels that way. And maybe I’d cope better if I thought that too. That it isn’t just that he’s not nice to me.

[Lisa]

Hi Sad and alone,

I understand that it’s tempting to look for reasons for the abuse that you could understand, lots of women ask themselves similar, but abuse isn’t mental illness. Domestic abuse is a gendered crime underscored by misogynistic beliefs. It is about power and control. He sees the impact that his behaviour has on you and deliberately chooses to continue in order to give himself power and control by taking it away from you.

Abuse and mental illness can happen at the same time, but abuse is not caused by mental illness. There are many more people with mental ill-health that manage to not abuse their partners. If he did have a mental illness, then it would be his responsibility to seek support to manage it.

The Freedom Programme and Duluth Power and Control Wheels might help in making sense of his actions and the beliefs behind them.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[swanlake]

I also find the behaviour nonsensical and incomprehensible. I did the Freedom Programme more than once and I still can’t understand why someone would take pleasure in someone else’s misery.

I’ve been abused by more than one person and they are abusive to other people as well, even their own children.

My parents also abused me and some people have questioned if they might be unwell, depressed etc. But we have the right to look after ourselves and have a break from caring for unwell people. My main abuser also told me that they were trying to help me and that they needed help with mental illness but they were just relentless with their abuse.

[Madfan336]

I think they enjoy the feeling to be quite honest. They love deceiving you, feeling clever, arguing makes them feel alive because normally they feel nothing. Love isn’t enough for them anymore. They love the power of controlling your emotions and how much you adore them, how scared you are. they are very insecure ( how many times have they accused you of betraying them, in whatever way- and the jealousy?!)They are like a cruel large animal, except they know what they’re doing and it’s not for food, it’s sport and pleasure.

[Sogo1234]

My boyfriend told me once, when he was really drunk, that he hates all women except his mother. I should have run a mile then but stupidly stayed with him.

 

There might be mental health issues and I think deep down many of these abusive people are seriously unhappy with themselves and life to treat others that way.

 

I really struggle to comprehend it too as I’d never intentionally hurt someone. It is so hard to make sense of it all. Sending you hugs. You’re not alone!

[Hamster16]

I tried to tell my husband all the things he used to do. He couldn’t/wouldn’t believe that he was like that. It’s as if I just pulled random words out of the air. He told me that he went back to his mother and ranted about all the things I’d said. She calmly told him yes, you do all those things and also…… and then told him other things she had noticed. He apologised. A week later he was back to being the hero of the piece with me the villain. It’s as if the whole conversation was a figment of my imagination. He cannot accept he might be even a little bit at fault. I’ve given up trying to explain. Let him portray himself as a victim. I know the truth and so it seems does his mother.

[Author]

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