Is it love or is it trauma bonding??

[Needyou]

Please can some1 help me. Iv been in a relationship for nearly (detail removed by moderator) years with my now ex…(detail removed by moderator) days an ex now. I didnt realise really that i was in an abusive relationship well untill he chocked me an pulled my hair and broke things in my house an my phone and well the list gos on… but really what im trying to ask an find some kind of peace is i still want to call him i still long for him to walk in the door. Still want his lil notes sent me in the mornings i utterly miss all the good things he gave me. I have been reading alot on WA web about trauma bonding and i dont really no uf this is what im going thro? Im in so much pain. I feel iv lost some1 i truely loved i just cant find any kind of stabilty or reason at the moment i feel like im going insane

[KIP.]

Love doesn’t hurt this way. Love isn’t pain. Ask yourself if you could really love someone who chokes you. Trauma bonding. It’s stronger and even more powerful than love. Even if you do still also love him. Love wil not stop his disgusting illegal damaging behaviour and it clearly shows that he does not and never did love you. Please contact your local women’s aid. Know that what you’re going through is normal after an abusive relationship. We walk away and can recover from ordinary relationships but abusive ones leave us traumatised for a very long time. Stick to zero contact. It will feel like a terrible drug addiction but going back for a fix will be short term and dangerous. Read about the cycle of abuse. Gaslighting. Read anything my Evan Stark, Lundy Bancroft. Your not going insane. That’s a sure sign you’ve been abused. Speak to your GP and get some good counselling. Consider speaking to the domestic abuse police too as abusers rarely walk away. Big hugs to you at this difficult time x you will get through this x

[Needyou]

Thank you so muvh for your reply.x
An yes i guess you are rite i cant go back. I hate myself. You no cus there was a clear sign he was like the way he is for me at the beginning his ex wife got a non molestation order out on him wile with me. He wasnt aloud down the same street she even lived. But as you can imagin he made out like she was crazy an hated he was now with me and was trying to break us up! I was like in two minds but also no that there are women out there who are vicious in this way… untill he lost it one night over me not wanting sex with him an then he even went as far as to wake all his kids up at the time (detail removed by moderator). It was horrific but i managed to calm him down. For the kids sake.
That was just one episode of his expotions. He once even chocked me so hard and then laughfd an said “dont no why ur crying u like it like that” then literally just rolled over an went to sleep like nothing had happend.
I dont no if this is anything to do with my side of things but he alot punchd himself in the face an headbuted the walls…
He would get a knife out and wave it next to his wrists saying “you want this?”
I never once even had it in me to fight back or argue with him it was like he was argueing and some1 other than me was makeing him worse?!
Im sorry hes done much more but i havent told ANYONE and i feel like i just need to let it all out i feel like screaming. He even laughed at me the last time b4 i left him. Wile i was shakeing and crying he laughed. He then said (detail removed by moderator)
He blames it all on his upbringing an it was bad so i wanted to try an help him.

[KIP.]

Your story is so very typical of an abuser. They always blame everyone else. Lots of people have bad upbringings but do not every abuse anyone. He chooses to abuse you. Even using his children to get his own way. That’s how coercive control works. The next time he asks for sex you give in to avoid a repeat of his aggressive behaviour. He will never change. His first wife getting an order against him is a huge red flag. It shows he won’t walk away. It will also make it easier for you to get one. Please speak to someone. Your GP or the women’s aid helpline on here. Abusers thrive on secrecy. None of this was ever your fault, you’ll need help to recover and escape from it. It’s a very dangerous time for you at the moment so please ring the police if he tries to contact you and consider reporting his behaviour. The police can offer guidance to keep you safe x

[Needyou]

Thank you so so muvh for your replys to me even just speaking to you has helped so much. Yes i will try an sort seeing my GP and also get some help with getting over this. Yes i will phone the police. He has phoned me since and i have said i will report him if he trys contacting me anymore. I feel like i have a need to speak to the police even if just to try an save the next women he gets with? Or should i not? Will this bring alot of sh** storm to my door??
(detail removed by moderator) x*x

[diymum@1]

He sounds like a psychopath, it took me a while to realise that I was dealing with a complete psycho. They are the worst kind of abusers they don’t know when to stop and they no feeling for anyone. Don’t be scared to call the police, have them protect you. I think your doing amazing keep going you sound very strong ☺💕💕and I hope you don’t mind me being so honest but from what you said some of it sounded very familiar xx much love Diy mum ❤

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there, I’m so glad you’re away from this man, he is telling you what he is and that you’ve to deal with it. The best thing you can do is go no contact, that’s dealing with it. Have you asked for a disclosure form on him. (Clare’s Law) You can fill it in online and if there’s anything been reported about him by other women before you, the police will let you know. If no one has, it doesn’t mean he’s not dangerous,or he’s not been reported, it could mean they’re too scared to do so. When you can, report his behaviour as soon as possible. If he’s not already on their radar, you speaking to them will put him there.
You are not responsible in any way for his treatment of you, it’s all his choice to do so. Trying to blame how he was brought up is what these men do. Not all kids who had bad childhoods grow up to be abusive. They will fool you into believing anything, in order for you to think it’s you or other circumstances that make him behave this way.
He’s laughing at you because he thinks he’s above the law. Have you ever thought of speaking to his ex, I know I have, but while I’m with him don’t want to risk the chance of him finding out.
You’ve been very brave in joining this forum, it’s a safe place to find out about abusers, it’s also where you’ll find out just how similar abusers techniques are and what they’ll do in order to appear normal to the outside world. Those who don’t care, are violent to any and everyone not just their partners and or children, they come under different headlines. Most if not all abusers will never admit to being abusive,or go for help, by him telling you, he’s definately in the more dangerous category of abusers.
Again welcome and keep posting. Knowledge is power as they say.

IWMB 💕💕

[Needyou]

Thank you so much ladys ♡♡
You no the more i speak with you an read up on the numerous forums on hear the more i get smacked in the face on just how abuaive he really is an was to me. Its uttly heartbreaking. Wen i truely belived he was in love with me an thus pushed me to stay an help him. I really did an gave my all to him time an time again i forgave his actions. I hate myself for that. I feel so ashamed as i come from a strong single mother family an also have always been the one in friend groups to give advice an guidence on how they should deal with tjings wen in a bad relationship… but i really loved him i did. I thought he brang so much joy to my life an this side of him was just sokething he needed help with. To come to the realisation that he just never loved me causes so much pain. X*x

[KIP.]

Please please do not feel ashamed. You have done nothing wrong. Nothing to be ashamed of. The shame is all his. These men are good at lying and manipulation. It comes easy to them and sadly you’re not the first woman. Talk to the domestic abuse unit at your local police station. It’s not your word against his when he’s done it before. The pain will get less but he’s put you through terrible trauma. Be kind to yourself x

[Iwantmeback]

I know it hurts sweetheart 💞💞 they choose us because of the very good, kind people we are. I am like you, I’m the one everyone comes to when they have anything they need to talk over, the one everyone trusts. He fooled you love,as mine has me, no one knows why they do it. I do know it’s about power and control, but to try and say they can’t help themselves, it’s because of their childhood, the drugs they take, it’s the alcohol they take, it’s mental health problems they have, anything bar admit they’re the ones who are downright wicked, evil.
Don’t hate yourself, don’t even waste your emotions on hating him, use your time learning about these people, protect yourself and future generations from abuse.
There is a beautiful world out there, they’ve clouded it for the now, but slowly day by day, we’ll start to see and be part of that world again.
Keep posting, getting stronger. It takes some of us years to overcome what they’ve done to us, some of us not so long.
We do what we do to survive and women have been doing that for centuries.
Take care best wishes
IWMB 💕💕

[Needyou]

You all make me stronger. I really cant tell you how much finally talking about this has made me feelnot alone an you women give me strength in each post. Thank you so much for that. I have been reading alot on hear b4 i finnaly pluckd the corage to post. An doing so is really helping i turn to you when i feel the erge to want to NEED to message or reply to him. I can not thank you all enough for that.
Its so hard. I have daily battles with myself and all the things around me that remind me of him not to communicate and not to try and find a reason for his behaviour towards me. Although I know deep inside he won’t give me any reason because you don’t see any wrong in his behaviour which is totally amazes me still. I to be honist cant beleve an have been very naive to the fact that there are men out there like this and there are men out there that will treat women the way that he’s treated me and not believe there’s any like badness or any wrong in it. Being on hear has really opend my eyes to this all. 💔

[diymum@1]

Self hate is a common theme due to domestic abuse, I don’t know if that’s conditionING, feeling like we’re not worth anything? I think that’s the hardest part 😑we know it’s not our fault but somewhere deep down we can’t believe that we ended up with theses horrible men xx 💕 DIY mum xxxx

[Needyou]

I no. I mean i gave him my life. I gave him evrything i loved him so deeply… well i dont no if it was me wanting some1 any1 cus i just wasnt ok beibg alone. An i no thats something i have to work on. But im not well so say not a women who would jyst go for any1 an wen meeting him i truely beleive he was the “right” one if there is that. We was the same on so many levels it was just ment to be well back then. I think i jumped in way to fast… i hate that as i no even then i had a feeling of this is too much too fast but he was so diffrent, so romantic really got me as a person an i truly belived he was the male vertion of me. He mad me laugh like no1 has. But then this man this man i thought i new… hang on let me rethink this. Well he moved in within (detail removed by moderator) months so no i didnt no him.
I no this is something i need to work on really is being happy an content with myself alone without a man to complete me as they say without my lobster as all loved up couples say it’s the pressure to find someone to find a man that completes you I guess that caught me and I truly believe that he did complete me I truly believe that he was My So Called lobster but when you get abused it’s like flips that will on its head and you’re there alone you feel naked in fact alone and you’re just clinging onto the fact that you did supposedly have this lobster and you just want that lobster back I’m so sorry I keep the same lobster but it’s just a phrase that I’ve been referred to by other people that I’ve just hold onto and hate it. Cus thats was one of the reasons i clung onto him.
Ladys i will educate myself I will get stronger and I won’t ever let this happen to me again I just can’t I just can’t but also I feel like petrified petrified of the fact that I never saw it coming and the fact that I might never see it coming again so I guess the ways to rectify that feeling like you said is to educate myself
Xxxx

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Needyou, WA advise that we take at least 2 years before embarking on another relationship. I don’t think that’s enough but that’s me personally i suppose.
By being here, you’ll learn the red flags, you’ll learn about boundaries, gaslighting, coercion, manipulation, flying monkeys, trauma bonding, FOG, so many terms and phrases that you’ve never heard of. It’s an education I’d rather not have had to do, but now I feel with my whole heart that society needs to learn about these type of people.

Best wishes
IWMB 💕💕

[Needyou]

Omg for sure. I NEED this i need to recognise this behaviour I need to see the red flags my daughter needs to see the red flags. if I don’t know the knowledge myself I don’t want to be another case of my daughter ended up doing the same routine as I have and I don’t want to end up being really old and being in a really unhappy unstable abusive marriage. I cant tell you how much stronger i feel already just even with the first reply.
An yes it will be a long time and a long journey in myself b4 i will be willing anouther person to get close. That sounds sad wen i say it out loud but id rather that then be in this state again. ♡

[diymum@1]

None of us saw this coming not at all, we natural put our trust in them and eventually there true colours shone through, although I was young, I was well warned and my first impression was hmm mayb this one’s a bit nutty!, why did I go for that? Charming men are a big red flag also xx

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