Is it me?

[Sunflower4Y]

I have been with my boyfriend a long time and I had been suspicious that he was incredibly emotionally manipulative and abusive. I tried to leave a few times and I got sucked back in- he told me I felt so bad because my work makes me too tired.

Recently he’s been on “better behaviour” and not blaming me for his mental health. I feel completely stuck between wanting to leave, then I think that I’ve misunderstood the situation and actually perhaps I’m the abusive one. I react whenever he does something small these days (e.g doubts me, or is rude).. am I the one causing augments and being controlling?

I get crippled under the weight that I’m abusive (he’s called me abusive before), so surely I should work on it and not leave him? He’s not been how he used to be for a few months now- has he changed?

I can’t even begin to express how confused I feel- is anyone else out there feeling the same?

Thank you x

[Lisa]

Hello Sunflower4Y,

I’m sorry to hear of your situation and how confused you are feeling at the moment. Unfortunately, feeling confused and/or doubting our own judgements/experience or instinct, is a really common feeling when we are living in an abusive situation, and is often a result of gaslighting.
Gaslighting is a tactic of psychological abuse, and one element of it is being repeatedly blamed for the abusers behaviour, to the point that we begin to question our own responsibility in the situation.

A book that is often recommended here on the forum is Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven, or Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. There is also Coercive Control by Evan Stark. These could be some good resources to begin to understand the dynamics of the situation you are living in.

The Freedom Programme may also be a useful resource for you: https://freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Author]

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