Is it me?

[oaktree]

Hi, I just posted this on another forum and I was advised to come and have a look at womens aid, but I really don’t know I think its me……. I have just copied what I put there really…..
I think I am probably over-reacting and its nothing but I wanted some independent opinion. Please be honest, if I need to change things I am doing because its my fault I want to hear it so don’t sugar coat things.

The thing is I am sometimes scared of my husband, he is never violent, never and I am not suggesting this is abuse at all, but he has so much anger, he just flies into rages with things I do wrong, but I never know what is going to make him angry and I don’t understand what I have done wrong or what mistake I have made.
So he will suddenly get really angry if I do something differently to how he would do something, it could be anything, once it was how i chopped vegetables, it has been that I have cleaned one room before another when he said it should be the other way round, it might be my tone of voice, or the look on my face he says but I honestly don’t think I have done anything ……he can either get really angry and shouty, or like…..sulky….I have tried loads of things to try and diffuse the situation, so I change the way I am doing things to the way he wants but that even makes is worse sometimes….I used to shout back but that never worked and I know that was wrong of me, so now I try to talk to him calmly…if I start crying he gets really mad with me and says I am trying to manipulate him…so I just sort of stay quiet now. if I walk away he just starts slamming things. Sometimes he recognises he is getting angry and just says he has to get out and takes himself off for a walk so thats ok. I am more worried though because he used to only get really mad with me, but the day before yesterday he was getting our daughter dressed and she was playing up (she’s (detail removed by moderator), she does that sometimes)….he got really mad….I get that we can get frustrated when a preschooler is not getting dressed etc etc…..so he said, ‘right I’m going to have to just get out before I…’…he didn’t finish his sentence and then he went out for a walk…I was there so I got her dressed and it was all fine…..but what if I wasn’t there, would he have left her, or stayed, what did he mean ‘before I….’?
I know I probably wind him up which makes him mad but I never know when his mood is going to break, its so quick and he can be fine for ages and then suddenly he erupts again.
The other thing is sex…..years and years ago, before I met him I was raped, it was a long time ago and although I have got through that, it does still effect me and so sometimes I am not in the mood…I have a low sex drive and I think that is why. Anyway, if I say no to him he really sulks and I feel bad because he feels rejected and its not his fault so I kind of go along with it – or at least I used to…..more recently I have told him about what happened (maybe six months ago I told him) and I felt really good about telling him and kind of felt more in control, so now I don’t ‘go along with it’ anymore, I say that it has to be ok for both of us….anyway this has meant we are having less sex….he got mad and said ‘can you remember the last time you showed be any physical intimacy…..I might as well not be here’…….that really hurt me as its like he was saying everything else we have is pointless if we don’t have sex……thats not the case for me but I guess it is for him….
Sorry I am rambling on…..I just don’t know what to do….I think the sex thing I need to fix so I can satisfy him more….but what can I do about the anger I feel like I have tried everything. We talked about it when he was calm once and I suggested that when he gets mad I just get out of the situation, take my daughter out, go for a walk or whatever but he said no, he suggested I tell him to have ‘time out’, can you imagine, telling an angry man to essentially go sit on the naughty step, he would be furious!

I have been trying to work out what it is that triggers it I thought keeping a diary might help….but I can’t see a pattern….it might be the sex though as generally he tends to get angry less when we have more sex. He knows he does it, occasionally he takes steroids for a medical condition and he thinks he gets more mad when he takes them and thats the cause but its not as he gets angry when he isn’t taking them too.

I love him very much and I really don’t think he is doing anything wrong really I just want to stop the anger and the mood swings and I need help working out how to do it. I don’t think I really ought to be here I feel a fraud, I’m sorry

[ILoveMusic]

Hi Oaktree,

Welcome to the forum 🙂
Without sugar coating – your husband sounds like a spoiled, self indulgent, self absorbed abuser. Had you seen 10% of what you’re seeing and living with now I bet there’s no chance you would’ve married him. His anger is entirely HIS responsibility and the fact he doesn’t care whether or not your daughter is on the receiving end is a clear measure of the sort of person he is. ‘Satisfying’ his desire for sex is like reading something from the 18th century. No way should you feel pressured or put HIS needs before your own in order to keep the bully placated. Who does he think he is?! Abusive men slowly erode our confidence over a period of time..they’re good at it. There’s nothing ‘wrong’ with you Oaktree – this man is the source of your worry and upset. Steroids…or any other drug – street or otherwise are not the reason he’s an angry rage fuelled bully – that’s 100% down to his character. They never change – they only get worse. Sending you strength! X

[Suntree]

Hi and welcome.
Whoever advised you to come here was wise and can see what you can’t see at the moment.

It took me years to understand that abuse was not just lots of physical violence.
It took me years to work out that the little things that constantly work away at you are also abuse.
I thought I had to change, I was told that I needed to, it was my fault.

Read what you have written and read it as though it was your daughter, best friend, a stranger telling you those things. What would you say to them??

The thing with metal abuse and control it takes turns things on its head, behavior that shouldn’t be exceptable becomes normal and where normal behavior feels wrong or weird.

They are also amazing at attaching us to them which allows them to keep on abusing and up the abuse, for we will look at changing ourselves to try to reduce the behavior towards us. It is called survival.

Who needs a chain or to beat someone when you can do it pyschologically?

As Ilovemusic said it is him and without sugar coating it, reading what you have written you are in a very abusive relationship.

No amount of you changing will stop that while you are there.

[oaktree]

Hi I Love Music,

Thanks for your reply. I just don’t know what to think. With the sex it is my problem, its not his fault what happened to me and its not fair of me to ‘punish’ him for that. Maybe I need some help dealing with that so it doesn’t effect stuff as much, that might solve everything and make him happier.
He did look into getting help for his anger but says it is the medication, and i don’t want to go on about it to him because then I am just picking on him and thats not fair either.
He is a good Dad but he gets frustrated with our daughter sometimes, which I think is quite normal when dealing with a toddler/pre schooler but he doesn’t seem to have the same patience I do, so I make sure I take care of her mostly, especially when she is tired or hungry or whatever. She loves her Dad very much, I always try to make sure we are not in the same room when he gets mad, I really try to shield her from it, and like I say the one time he got mad with her he walked away which is good. He would never ever EVER hurt her I am absolutely sure of it. She plays up a bit more for him I think, not sure why. And she is going through a phase where she hits out a bit when she has a p***y with him. But I stress her behaviour is totally normal for her age, its absolutely fine.
I am worried this is sounding like its more than it is….its not like I am not safe or anything. As I say I am scared sometimes but not directly scared of him, I am scared of his reaction, I am scared of making him mad, not scared of him……not sure if it makes sense. Its kind of like I have to be careful what to do or say until I have gauged what mood he is in…..but when he is in a good mood its great, we have a wonderful family, he is kind, he really looks after me. Like I say its nothing, its probably just normal marital arguments and stuff and I am just over-reacting. Sorry

[oaktree]

Hi Suntree,

Thanks for your reply, but…..well he’s not an abuser, he doesn’t mean to upset me. Reading it back like you suggested it comes across wrong….i’ve written it wrong like I’ve only put the bad bits in but i’ve not said about the good bits so its like only half the story. I know its not 100% right…..I wouldn’t have posted about it if i thought it was all rosy and perfect, but its not abuse. I just want to be able to stop the anger bit…he has never been physical, he doesn’t stop me seeing my friends or family, he doesn’t go through my phone or email as far as I know……its just one little thing

[oaktree]

sorry i hope that didn’t sound like I was being rude, I know you are both trying to be helpful and I really appreciate it….sorry I shouldn’t be here

[Herindoors]

Hi Oaktree – welcome and you do need to be here.

When you say ‘I am scared sometimes but not directly scared of him, I am scared of his reaction, I am scared of making him mad, not scared of him’- this is commonly described as walking on eggshells and it is a form of coersive control which is emotional abuse. Over time you start doing everything you can to avoid upsetting him because if you do upset him then there is a consequence to pay. Your consequence is him getting angry and that scares you and is a situation you don’t want to be in. With my ex I knew if I disagreed with him, pointed out he was being unreasonable or did anything that he didn’t like he would get angry and cause an argument, often keeping me up all night explaining to me in great detail why I was wrong. So eventually I believed I was wrong, I was the cause of the issues between us and I became a shell of the person I used to be.

‘but when he is in a good mood its great, we have a wonderful family, he is kind, he really looks after me’ – he is nice and its all lovely, then the tension builds and he explodes, afterwards he is sorry and you are grateful for the attention (because he has been mean to you) and its all good again, and then the tension builds, he explodes etc…. this is called the cycle of abuse. It doesn’t ever stop.

‘With the sex it is my problem, its not his fault what happened to me and its not fair of me to ‘punish’ him for that.’ Oaktree you are not punishing him by not always wanting sex with him. A man who is not emotionally abusive would simply not say this to you. They would understand your history, be compassionate about it and try and help you. They would not blame you. They would NOT blame you by saying you were punishing them.

How your husband treats you is how mine treated me. Over nearly two decdades it turned from what you describe in your first post and then escalated. First the arguments and emotional abuse got more frequent, then he started to use violence around me until eventually he was violent with me. This can often be the pattern with an emotional abuser. It stays emotional until you have had enough and he can tell you are checking out of the marriage and then it gets physical.

I feel like I may have overloaded you here with my post but your post sounded so much like my own experience I wanted you to know that you are not imagining things and you are not to blame.

Reading the posts on the forumn really helps – seeing how your situation compares to others and you will be shocked by the similarities between us all.

Calling womans aid and talking to someone who really understands would be the best thing you can do. They will listen, help you clarify. They won’t judge or tell you what to do. They will help x

[Nova]

Hi there, welcome to our forum where we all share and hope to answer questions and issues..with each other.
There’s a lot of experience of all sorts which you can read through and absorb in your own time..at your own pace. I came on here a few months months ago, and learned a lot from other ladies. Now my eyes are opened and I’m fully aware that (you said no sugar coating) what your describing is as others have said, emotional abuse. Its not necessarily 24/7 …its a slow drip drip drip effect, building a atmosphere.. anger, anxiety, unsupportive, mood switching, using your words against you..major drama about nothing! …coercive control, manipulation and so on.
These are ‘tools’ which can be used to assert control over you and your life.

It creates silence fear and uncertainty, I was exactly the same, things like money sex your possessions food TV social events friends family are ‘given’ & withdrawn when he decides, to kick up a fuss, to the detriment of you and your needs. I didn’t know emotional abuse or financial abuse existed. Now I do.
Someone thank G pointed me to Coercive control, trauma bonding & what happens when you distance/de-sensitise & minimise whats really happening.. it was only …he doesn’t do it all the time …I’m not sure what happened…trust me, we understand what your saying totally.
I was totally in denial I had read a little and went back several times, before it got to a point when my sanity & life was taken over, I was micro managed and living in fear.
Hoovering is what happens when they pull you back into the ‘relationship’also gaslighting, & love bombing…try to read up a bit on these terms and a empowering book ‘Living with the Dominator’ Pat Craven describes all the abusive personality types.

I posted recently his problem became our problem then became my problem..sums it up for me!

keep posting we are here for you

Cx

[oaktree]

Thanks everyone, I have spent sometime reading through things on this website, and other topics and stuff. I don’t know what to say really, I admit that he does display some of the behaviours described as ‘abusive’ but definitely not all of them. I know I probably sound stupid but I still don’t know, I’m confused I think. I’m torn, it’s like having you guys tell me that’s what it is makes me feel sane again, like it’s a real thing and I’m not going crazy…. but then if it is abuse, what then, how do I fix it?

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Oaktree,

Welcome to the forum, sorry to hear about the difficulties you’re having with your husband.

I must say that what you’ve written rings alarm bells and sounds pretty abusive to me. I too was scared of my ex and felt really silly at first and couldn’t figure out why. Being scared of their reaction is a classic sign of abuse – it’s treading on eggshells. It means that you are not free to express yourself as you would in a healthy relationship. Instead they are controlling you by using a variety of methods including anger which you then try to avoid by avoiding bringing anything up.

He also sounds abusive regarding sex. Sex should be a two way street, not just about his needs being met. The fact that you were raped of course means that sex will at times be difficult and triggering and in a healthy relationship he would be mindful and considerate of that. After all, sex is not a necessity to live like food and warmth, it is something that happens in a caring, loving relationship. I’m not surprised you don’t particularly want to have sex with him when he is behaving the way he is.

I wouldn’t worry about labels such as abuse/abuser at the moment, maybe just look up the Power and Control wheel and see if it feels familiar. There’s an excellent book called ‘Why does he do that?’ by Lundy Bancroft which is so helpful, if you can read it without him seeing then do that. Like Cuppa said above there’s also information online from a domestic abuse course, if you type in ‘the dominator’ and ‘the freedom programme’ it should come up and might be of help.

When I rang the helpline I felt really silly and like my boyfriend couldn’t possibly be abusive because initially he seemed so nice, until I started listing off everything he had done to the helpline worker, and was told it is called Coercive Control and is illegal. The more I read and talked to people who understood abuse the more I realised he was abusive and I ended it for my own safety and sanity. By this point he was threatening me so my initial fear of him suddenly all made sense – it was my gut warning me before my conscious brain had realised what he was like.

I hope you find the forum helpful and that you make more sense of your husbands behaviour.

Sunshine

[oaktree]

He has been really calm and happy today actually, I said to him that he seems happier and he said that he wasn’t in so much pain as he has been recently (he has colitis which is why he takes steroids sometimes, it causes him pain sometimes that makes him grumpy), he also started a new job and was feeling a bit stressed with it he says. He says he promises it’s not me that’s making him angry and he nearly said he was sorry (he sort of says ‘sorr……but).
Maybe it’s when he is stressed and he sort of takes it out on me, he’s said to me before if you can’t take it out on those closest to you then who can you take it out on? But I’m thinking maybe that’s not right, and maybe he needs to find another way to cope with stress and pain. I have asked him what I can do to help with that before and he just says nothing there’s nothing anyone can do. Maybe he’s depressed…..
I really appreciate the responses though, and I think you are right not to think of it as a label like abuse that’s not fair on him, I don’t think he knows he’s doing it really…. though I have told him that it scares me sometimes……but he says that’s just because of the past when I was raped and I am ‘tarring all men with the same brush’
I’m going to stay calm and relaxed and next time it happens I hope I can maybe be a bit more objective about what is happening….and not automatically start apologising to him for making him mad…
Sorry, rambling again, it’s good to sort of voice this though
Thank you for listening I know what’s happening is nothing compared to what some people go through so thank you for making me feel welcome anyway, I did feel a bit stupid posting here.

[iwillbeok]

Hi Oaktree, I will admit that I skim read the above posts but had such an ugent need to reply, in just the small portions I did read that I have just jumped to the bottom to do just that…

I agree with others that you do belong here. I would not have classed myself as being in an abusive relationship. We were married for a long time, kids and to all outward appearances living an idyllic life. But when you scatched the surface (as I discovered in hindsight after an escalated, scary time!) – it was all about walking on eggshells, anticipating his needs, making sure I said things in just the right way, feeling confused all the time, his rages, his sulks and withdrawals of affection. All so subtle, and slow growing over such a long time. It all adds up to an imbalance in the relationship. I didn’t recognise it at the time but i was afraid of my husband. The unconcious threat was there. And in my case, in the end, this fear was well founded (he still never hit me).

Yes, there were some very happy times. He could be very sweet and considerate. But these served only to confuse me further. But things grew colder and tenser between us when I found myself, giving in more, and doing the bare minimum to keep things kicking along. He was getting sulkier and angrier as i was no longer giving him his fix – he was actually looking for the tears and the shouting. It suited his assertions that I was the problem. I needed to change what I was doing.

I was totally going to say what suntree above said about thinking what you would say if a friend described your situation to you? Yes, I also felt that some of the ladies on here have had (& continue to have) ‘it so much worse’. But that doesn’t make what we go through, with our abusers, right or somehow not abuse. It still affects us, it still damages us, it twista the way we view the world and as I am finding now – has completely altered my childen’s relationships (between themsleves as siblings and with other friends).

I would highly recommend calling the WA phoneline and also getting a copy of a book by Lundy Bancroft. I can private message you a link if you like.

Please hon, listen to the ladies on here. They are the most supportive, non-judgemental bunch you could hope to have your back in difficult times.

Take care hon. You deserve to live without fear, especially fear of the man who is supposed to love you most in the world.

xx

[oaktree]

Thanks Iwillbeok, I really appreciate it. I’m beginning to see things more clearly but still think I am over reacting a bit, as it’s really not that bad when I read about the types of behaviour that can be part of emotional/coercion abuse. Right now he’s just lovely it’s hard to imagine what he can be like, I almost think I have made it all up in my head

[EeyoreNoMore]

Hey Oaktree.

You know those days when it’s okay, or even those days when it’s really really good? The days when he’s your soulmate – your best friend? Those days are put there on purpose. To reel us back in like a fish on a hook. To make us doubt ourselves. To make us think we are overreacting. To make us think he couldn’t possibly be an abuser….

Everything he does is done with purpose. You see how he treats your daughter – is that love? Is that the same pure, unconditional love that you show your daughter? No. It isnt.

See if you can get a copy of “Why Dies He Di That?” by Lundy Bancroft, even if you have to keep it at a friend’s house.

Stay with us and keep reading.

My ex was very much like yours.

Part of the reason we don’t want sex with them is because they hurt us emotionally. Who wants to be intimate physically with someone they don’t feel able to be intimate emotionally with?

His behaviour will fall into a pattern that all of us here are familiar with.

Stay strong, you’re doing great.

[oaktree]

I put a post up this morning that hasn’t appeared I did it straight after so I knew I remembered it right, I don’t know where it’s gone or if I posted it somewhere else by mistake

[oaktree]

I will try to post again….

He woke up fine, all happy, I went into the bathroom and he was getting our little girl dressed and then I started hearing her shouting and crying, it often happens when he is looking after her, I opened the door to see what was going on and he came up to me and shouted that this ‘nicey-nicey approach’ that i take isn’t working as her behaviour is bad. He said she wanted to watch tv and he said it was breakfast time, she started crying and then hit him and started throwing things. He says that its only him she lashes out at and i need to get tougher with her. I went in she was crying about watching tv, I backed him up about it being breakfast time and told her hitting wasn’t ok, I took her downstairs for breakfast where he was slamming drawers and stuff. I said she should apologise for hitting and he was just talking over us in a really patronising voice saying she needs to change her behaviour, when she did say sorry he just ignored her. Later he went back to being really pleasant to us both.
He did say sorry to me afterwards and said he wasn’t having a go at me but he says I need to do something because its not OK that she keeps playing up for him.
So I wanted to write it all down precisely because I don’t know if thats just normal parenting squabbles, I think I am getting confused as to whats OK and what isn’t maybe? I am worried about our daughter and what effect this is having, but then if I say that I think how he is bringing up our daughter isn’t right am I just being the same, criticising his parenting?

[oaktree]

Sorry I have read that back I am pathetic, this is just a silly argument how do I delete it? I am sorry

[Lisa]

Hello oaktree,

Welcome to the forum. I hope you find it a supportive place to be.

I can see you have had supportive replies already, what everyone is saying is correct. Your husband is abusive, you have described a feeling of treading on eggshells and his rages. His behavior towards you is completely unacceptable, experiencing emotional abuse is hard to put into words, but it is clear to me and all the other forum users what is happening.

You might find it useful to speak to someone in person to get more clarity, you can contact your local domestic abuse service.

You could also call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247, it is available 24/7 and the calls are answered by trained female support workers.

You are not pathetic and you deserve support with this.

Take care and keep posting
Best Wishes,
Lisa

[oaktree]

Thanks Lisa, I’m so confused, I think I might have described it worse than it it, like i say this is only one side of the story. I’m not sure…maybe if I ring the helpline and try to explain things properly. I can hear what you are all saying, and I really appreciate it, but it just doesn’t make sense to me. In the moment, I am sure that how he acts is not right, but then he acts like nothing happened and I doubt it again. He says that he loses control because of the medication or the stress so I don’t think he is intentionally doing it. Some of the stuff that I have read around says that is all planned and they are in control, but I don’t think thats what is happening, i think he can’t help it. And loads of the stuff it says he doesn’t do. If anything its the other way round, like I earn more money and he has debts, so I am in control of all the money, he can’t financially control me, I pay the mortgage the bills everything. I have to give him money when he needs it not the other way round so am I controlling him? Sometimes, when I am being rational about it I know that I am not happy with it, and even when its good I feel like as you say, I am walking on eggshells, waiting for the next eruption, sometimes a week goes by and nothing and I start to relax, but I don’t want to carry on like that really, not in the long term. But I want to solve it, not leave him, it would break him completely, and our girl. Maybe….oh I dont know

[Nova]

Oaktree, hugs, your tip toeing through a mine field of emotions, round and round…confusion is horrible, your trying to figure it all out in your head, we have been there, and we are here with you. Post away.
Your beginning to question which i think is a positive and you’ve made it onto here.

I never in a million years thought I would ever ever be posting on a WA website, I stayed for more than a decade, trying to figure him out, minimising the outbursts, into ‘an argument’ the next day all would seem well…but I was compromising my sense of self, my choices, beliefs. theres a lot to read on here and maybe some of it sounds familiar some doesn’t….Lisa, who is an expert, is trying to increase your understanding…its better to read away have a chat with WA…see what you feel.

My ex was Mr Lovely to all, especially his family, who he wanted to impress. Mr wonderful, then I found myself after a screaming session, which progressively got worse, and sleeping on the sofa, unable to figure out why I was there or scared of him. I was ‘trauma bonded’.
Your paying for most of your life style, hes not contributing…he’s in control of the money, not you. Same with me, he lived at mine, not contributing, means financial abuse.
I began slowly after many times writing things down and hiding it from him, reading up, realised the bomb shell, I was being abused.
It added up, he was basically looking after his own needs,causing arguments to put the fear into me, controlling the finances, unsupportive (unless someone was present, then he’d lay it on thick)..angry, minimising my requests, ignoring, silencing etc etc.

Try to speak to WA and Please keep posting whatever you say we ladies will support you!

Cx

[oaktree]

Thanks cuppa, I am going to keep a journal – I have said about doing it before but never actually written it down, I can do it on my phone so long as I change the access code so he can’t open it. I’m going to write down what happens, and then anything else, like if I have P*S which he blames sometimes, or if he is taking his medication, stuff like that. I have got some stuff to read up on too, like the ‘why does he do that’ book, i have put on my kindle. I think if i recognise some of the behaviours then it will sort of reinforce it. I’m still not sure about ringing WA, looking at what people are saying here it can be difficult to get through so i don’t want to waste their time when there are women in danger. I’m not in danger, if I needed to go I could i think.
I just can’t believe that I am here posting either…..it all started when i spoke to someone at relate on their live chat thing about trying to stop the arguments and what I could do and he first suggested WA, I thought he was bonkers…but then I posted in another forum and they said the same, so here I am, with you lovely supportive women saying that yeah maybe it is abuse……its just unbelievable.

[EeyoreNoMore]

Hey Oaktree, your emotions are going to be all over the place: confusion, denial, hurt, guilt and GRIEF.

These are all totally normal. Your brain is going through a process that you didn’t see coming. No-one’s prepared you for this.

Abuse happens to other people, right? Not to us.

He doesn’t hit me so it’s can’t be abuse. He’s nice, he loves me, he wouldn’t classify as an abuser, right…?

Reality hurts and will take time to sink in. Your fog is lifting and you are seeing life for the reality it is.

Keep getting the support, keep reaching out, we will keep you strong.

[oaktree]

Thank you

[Nova]

Oaktree keep going step by step..absorb & if you want to DM me…any time..we have all had our eyes opened…wide…on here. We are all trying to figure it all out, like you and millions of other women every day.

Keep your thoughts safe to yourself-meaning don’t be telling him!
no point..trust us on this!

Hugs

Cx

[oaktree]

Thank you, we’ve had a nice evening, he made tea, we watched some comedy….he was good with our little girl. Hmm?

[Serenity]

It’s the push- pull dynamic.

If he was horrible all the time, you’d know for certain that he was an abuser.

Because he is ‘nice’ sometimes, it confuses you and keeps you there. Abusers know this. It’s the cycle of abuse: abuse, niceness, tension-building, abuse- rinse and repeat.

It can keep you locked in a situation for years.

The term coercive control has been mentioned above. I would have mentioned it too.

The cleverer the abuser, the more covert and psychological the abuse. Beating you up would be too obvious ( though I stress, I think all abusers are very capable of physically injuring their partner, and physical abuse is often the last kind of abuse to appear).
Psychological abuse is the most debilitating, paralysing kind of abuse, because it is meted out in a clever way and leaves the victim doubting themselves and doubting the facts of the abuse.

I agree with everything that has been written above by other women.

[oaktree]

He made me and our girl breakfast in bed this morning, I don’t work Fridays. We’re having a day out with my family while he’s at work.
There isn’t even an element of control or anything

[Serenity]

If he’s picked up on the fact that you’ve noticed something, or he’s noticed a change in you ( the fact you’ve posted on the forum might reflect a growing awareness or independence in you), he could be trying to claw his way back by being extra nice and trying to act giving and not controlling, to lure you back in.

Just to be aware. So next time he’s horrid, don’t think it’s your fault. Don’t let him justify it by him saying ‘I give you all this freedom etc.’ Even if you are free to go out for a day with your family, remember that is a basic human right. You aren’t a criminal- you shouldn’t be denied basic things like that anyway. He’s not ‘permitting’ or ‘allowing’ you. You shouldn’t feel beholden or grateful, and it shouldn’t justify any future abuse on his part.

Some abusers mess our minds up so much that the fact that they don’t kick off about us doing normal things at times makes us feel grateful- so then we are more likely to put up with any following abuse.

When we are in a controlling relationship, we lose sight of our basic rights. Look up the Bill of Rights at
http://www.caepv.org/membercenter/files/your_bill_of_rights.pdf

X*x

[Houndgirl]

This rings so many bells with me. He could be nice but then, when he wasn’t it was horrible. No physical abuse but I would have found that easier to come to terms with somehow (previous boyfriend was violent so I speak from experience). The silences were the worst for me, felt so lonely and isolated but was too ashamed to tell anyone so they just saw a happy relationship and when it ended they sided with ‘Mr Nice Guy’ as it was easier than putting up with the ‘miserable woman’. So feeling even more isolated than ever. Three decades of abuse followed by months of isolation once it was over. Hoping it will improve…

[oaktree]

I feel like he’s spoiling for a fight or something… we’ve had two really nice days but we got home today and he just switched…. he just seems really p’ed off with everything I do all of a sudden (detail removed by moderator)! It’s like he disapproves of me? But I’m not going to spend the evening trying to placate him and say sorry, nor am I going to confront him and call him on it. I’m just going to carry on as I am, and see where that gets me….

[lover of no contact]

Hi oaktree and welcome to the Forum,

Sounds like you’re in the amber (yellow) phase of the cycle of abuse. The tension will increase. He will be nasty/nice. Just as you start relaxing with his niceness, he’ll spring the nastiness on you. He knows what he’s doing. He’s watching you and getting a perverse thrill from your hurt, upset, confusion. He feels top-dog then. He’s in control of your emotions. He loves this. He loves being the puppeteer and pulling your strings. You are only an appliance to him. Not just you, but everyone, even his little child. He will use and abuse others but especially his nearest and dearest to get his high from your distress. He has a problem. Its not you. Its him. He is an addict. He is addicted to Power and Control.

Back to the Cycle of Abuse that you are in with him at the moment. After the yellow phase which you are in (the building up of the tension) this will culminate with the red phase which is a single incident of bad abuse. When this is over the tension in the relationship will be gone and you will be in the green phase which is the honeymoon period where he will purposely default into being nice again. This is because he needs you to stay being his emotional punchbag. If there was no honeymoon/green phase we would all have upped and left. But the green phase keeps us there in the relationship along with the fear we have of them or what they may do to us or our children/family, our hope that maybe this time it will be different and our love for them. This is what keeps the cycle going. You can google the Cycle of Abuse and The Power and Control Wheel.

We are the only ones who can stop the Cycle of Abuse. We do this by going No Contact and leaving the relationship. They have no need to stop it as they like it this way with us upset and in a state and them feeling powerful over us. They are sick personalities who have a 0.5 per cent chance of changing.

Keep posting for support these days. We are here for you.

[Author]

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