Is it me?

[Timemakesyoubolder]

My partner and I have been together almost (timeframe removed by Moderator) years and for the last (timeframe removed by Moderator) it’s started going downhill. At times I feel like he can be very Jekyll and Hyde and I feel on eggshells with him. When I have tried to explain this to him he has said the same because he has expressed many times he needs intimacy (sex) and he will go into moods if he is frustrated and feels I don’t want it. I am really stressed at the moment and have been constantly feeling unwell and he’s insinuated that I am lying but I think it is my bodies reaction to the relationship concerns. If he goes 2 days without it then he is completely unbearable to be around. We argue quite frequently and when we do it escalates from 0-100 really quickly. I have to take time out from the argument to regulate my emotions as he starts to shout and I get scared. I also struggle to communicate what I think and feel and am awaiting an autism diagnosis. He says that I leave him to stew by ignoring him which is why he blows up. During arguments he stands over me and shouts, finger points, swears and calls me awful names. He has also punched walls and furniture and does not react when I have a panic attack due to him doing this. Aside from this he is lovely and so attentive and makes me think that it is all in my head. He keeps telling me he is the best I can do and no one will ever love me. I have asked him to leave on many occasions as I need space and he is always reluctant to and tries his best not to.  Help please

[Cherries]

There are a number of things that really worry me here.

Of course you don’t want sex if you don’t feel safe or heard within the relationship. That is normal. It’s an intimate act. What’s not normal is quilting someone because they don’t want to. You are not a c*m bucket, ok?

Mine flips things back on to me too. It’s an effective manipulation tactic and one I struggle to deal with. It makes me afraid to raise issues because I know my issue will be ignored…and I’ll end up feeling guilty and dealing with whatever issue HE raised instead

I’ll continue in a moment don’t want to get timed out

[Cherries]

Punching walls etc is abuse. It’s not ok just because he didn’t hit you.

It’s not ok to blame you for that stuff either. Hes an adult. Walk the anger off…you take time out you don’t punch the wall them blame him right? Why? Because that would be wrong.

Question. If you are so horrible why won’t he leave when you ask him to?

It doesn’t track does it until you realise it’s the control they love, not us.

There’s nothing loving about ignoring a panic attack.

The nasty/nice creates confusion doesnt it? Don’t know if they mean to do that but either way it sucks…and it will continue unless they acknowledge there is a problem there. If they can’t even acknowledge that there is no hope of change. This is what killed it for me if it’s all my fault why would HE change/get help.

The good bits don’t undo the damage from the bad bits. It doesn’t cancel it out x

[Cherries]

Sorry in the first post it should say guilting, not quilting lol x

[Timemakesyoubolder]

Thank you so much Cherries. This sums it up perfectly. We are having space at the moment but I feel I am being pressured to give a timescale as to when I will get over it and forgive. He doesn’t like the relative he is staying with but I own my house alone, so it is my space and I should be free to not let him back until or if I ever am ready. I have said for forgiveness I need to see actual change which he says is impossible if I don’t let him in my house – he can’t show me. He has contacted someone for relationship counselling but still focusing on the things I have done to him too. I have never been abusive, it’s mainly not giving in to his sexual demands as I have been emotionally withdrawn and not been as loving or caring which he fails to see is a result of his abuse. He thinks that if I would have been fine and exactly what he wanted me to be then he wouldn’t be abusive, but it was the gradual abuse which caused me to pull back. I feel like he acknowledged his actions were abuse and started to take some accountability that it wasn’t ok but now he is going back on it, maybe as he feels he has lost control of the situation and I won’t let him back?

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Well done on getting him to leave, that is fantastic for you!

if he doesn’t like the relative that he’s staying with that isn’t your problem.

Just like Cherries, there are things that really worry me too.

I have a feeling that even if you submit to what he wants on this occasion ( having sex when he wants it),  that there will be another thing that you are doing wrong not far down the road.
My feeling ( and knowledge from personal experience) is that there will always be something new that he is unhappy with.

You are very fortunate that you have no serious ties to this person ( joint mortgage or property, children, shared business, pets etc etc) that would make this 100 times more difficult.
Cherries has picked up on a couple of his very abusive behaviors, I would also pick up on the fact that he’s calling you names.
This is never acceptable and wouldn’t happen in a healthy relationship except in very rare occasions.

I had experienced this for a long time. I thought I was strong  enough that it didn’t bother me, but I found that this kind of talk ends up becoming internalized and can cause more damage than you imagine, even if your conscious mind doesn’t take it seriously, your unconscious is not the same.

My personal opinion is that your partner will not change. He will pretend to up until the point where he has you where he wants you again.

My personal experience is that any promises of change ( going to therapy etc) will just take you years further down the road and with no change whatsoever ( except you will be older and much more tired and confused)

Take care of yourself ❤️

[Timemakesyoubolder]

Yes this is my thinking too. There are quite a lot of external stress factors which are now resolved, so he is thinking that everything will be fine now he has nothing to be stressed about and take out on me. But I feel the damage is done.  I do really love him and am so desperate for him to do the work and change but feels like he is refusing to take accountability unless I do too.  It’s like he has not acknowledged the damage he has actually done and keeps saying you have hurt me too.

[Cherries]

I’m going to make a suggestion you may find odd. I really struggled with my first husbands behaviour and this back and forth fried my brain so I decided to simplify things. I took two sheets of paper one with reasons to stay, and one with reasons to go. Then I dig to the very depths for the truth of things. What did he bring? And you know when I looked at it on paper I was kind of, well, that’s you gone then. Writing things down has a way of clarifying issues often. The good list was WAY shorter than the bad.  I realised then I always tried to believe the best and made excuses for the worst. Still a trait I have now it seems but less severe than it used to be I think…rooted in a fear of rejection for me.

[Timemakesyoubolder]

Thank you I will definitely do this! I have a feeling it will go exactly the same way. Its hard when you have been told that no one will ever love you to see that maybe you aren’t the problem.

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