Viewing 1 reply thread
  • Author
    Posts
    • #103163
      Fairies.wear.boots.
      Participant

      Over the past month or so, things have been fluctuating drastically in my relationship from real highs to heavy lows. I am aware of my own actions and I know there are many things that I personally need to work on, I can be quite nasty when I want to be and very much defensive. I am sat here wondering whether I am going mad, or am I in a toxic relationship?

      (Detail removed by moderator), myself and my partner got into an argument due to something really trivial in the scheme of things. We were sat laughing about something and I disagreed with what he said, and I was passionate about it. Instantly he accused me of scaring our dog because of what I said. Which was strange as it was him who raised his voice at me. I told him I didn’t like that about him and walked to the (detail removed by moderator) and I asked him a question about what he wanted with it apparently I seemed (detail removed by moderator) due to how I responded to him when he answered. I couldn’t hear him whilst I was cooking some food for us and asked what? Slightly louder than usual as I was stood (detail removed by moderator). To which he responded with (detail removed by moderator)  Now, these small digs have been on the regular the past few weeks and usually are said when I say something in a particular way or when I express myself. He usually would respond to me expressing myself with (detail removed by moderator) When all I’d be doing is wanting a conversation about something that usually he finds uncomfortable. I try and try to approach certain topics as sensitively as possible, as I know to expect these comments. Which ultimately shut me down and keeps me quiet.

      Carrying on from (detail removed by moderator) , I just responded with (detail removed by moderator) He starts shouting and screaming, telling me I have issues with my moods and that I’m starting an argument again. Then once again, tells me that I’m scaring our dog. He proceeded to shout at me. I felt frustrated and really confused as to what I did, as I genuinely didn’t want an argument. I felt instantly drained and deflated from it and walked into the (detail removed by moderator). I couldn’t eat or do anything all day. My body just shut down and I cried for hours on end. He came in and once again, we argued. He would not listen I anything I would say and was asking why I was so upset and bringing things that I’ve done in the past. When I could talk, I tried to express to him that it’s really getting to me, how he’s constantly saying these digs. They’re unnecessary and unhealthy. He couldn’t see that and thought I was (detail removed by moderator) He proceeded to say, (detail removed by moderator) Then proceeding to list all of the things that I have done and said. I admit, I am no angel, when we get into these arguments, I do get impulsive with what I say. But it had no relevance in this particular argument. I didn’t understand why he raising the fact that I’m insecure? What has that got to do with his unnecessary comments? I honestly felt empty (detail removed by moderator) and just cried. He left me alone. I laid in the spare bedroom and did nothing for most of the day. I felt numb. I feel dramatic saying this, as in the scheme of things this is so petty. But this is having such a big impact on me… I feel like I’m going crazy. Am I going crazy? Is it me? What am I doing wrong?

      Later  (detail removed by moderator) he came in and apologized and said that he’d stop saying these comments and recognized why I was upset. Great! I thought to myself, maybe he has listened after all. But deep down I just feel like he was saying it to keep peace, which I did say also… but anyway, all was resolved after we calmly spoke about the situation.

      Since then, I have felt completely drained and have had no energy. He has been aware of that… after  (detail removed by moderator), I just walked into the bedroom and got into bed. He came in after and asked (detail removed by moderator). He came and laid next to me and we had a conversation about growing up… we were laughing about things and then I shared with him a time that was quite vulnerable for me, which he was laughing at. He tried to reassure me (?) for my younger woes, but also laughed about it. Which hurt honestly. I told him that had hurt me and I could see he got agitated by it. On the defense immediately and I just sensed that it wasn’t going to go well. So I just said forget about it (perhaps passive aggressive on my part, but I just couldn’t deal with an argument). He tried to reassure me that he wasn’t laughing at me, but that was a lie… how could he deny that? He got up and went to (detail removed by moderator). He turned around and then started to shout at me. He slammed the door and told me I was (detail removed by moderator). I asked him what did he say? And then I opened the door and he (detail removed by moderator) to our dog and told me how he was scared. Scared of me. I just asked him why he reacted in that way after me telling me how I felt. It felt uncalled for honestly and really hurtful.

      (Detail removed by moderator) I approached him and asked whether he was going to talk to me today? Nothing, I asked whether he was going to give me the silent treatment. To which he laughed. He asked me (detail removed by moderator) He also added (detail removed by moderator) Proceeded to shout and tell me I’m a head f**k.

      What do I do? How do I deal with this situation? I’m no angel and can be hurtful at times, I know I can. But is this really okay?

       

       

       

    • #103172
      KIP.
      Participant

      No his behaviour is not okay and you’re in a toxic relationship. He’s the toxic one. Google gaslighting. Google the cycle of abuse. Getting angry and shutting down the conversation is coercive control, your now frightened to go back to that topic. One which he doesn’t want to talk about because he’s being abusive and has not other answer. Feeling drained and confused is a sign of abuse. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven and Ring the national domestic abuse helpline to talk things through. There is nothing you’re doing wrong. He simply chooses to abuse you and if you do one thing right he will simply change the goal posts and abuse you over something else. Either made up or real. His goal is to destroy your self esteems and confidence. To gain and retain power and control in the relationship and sadly abuse always gets worse. He’s not your friend and he doesn’t have your best interests at heart. Abuse like this is insidious and will take a toll on your mental health. Take a huge step back and keep a journal so that when you’re not so confused you can look and the journal and see his behaviour is abusive and unacceptable. You won’t win an argument as he will lie, deny, gaslight and put the spotlight on you, well away from his behaviour x

Viewing 1 reply thread
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ JobsAccessibility Guide

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account

Skip to content