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    • #167467
      Shecando
      Participant

      Hi
      Don’t know who to ask or where to turn. My partner goes through cycles of being very down and blaming me and how I’ve made him feel. Truth is I never actually know what I’m meant to have done. He says he doesn’t know either and it’s a mystery but I make him feel so low , that’s on me and he’s thought about doing something silly because of me . He said everyone sees how I treat him but they won’t say anything because they love me but if he were to leave they would all say it’s because you said that or did that. I really don’t understand it all. He says he believes our relationship is salvageable but I have to work out a way to do it. When I’ve asked him what have done or say I don’t understand he says neither does he and it’s a mystery to him what I do and why I’m like it . I suggested marriage guidance , he said he isn’t the one that needs it but I am. ‘ what I don’t understand is he can have this blow up then be fine again and I’m left so confused. He will say things like I really can’t think five minutes ahead of me , all down in front of our children then within minutes he’s picked up and is arranging a social or having a laugh on the phone to someone. He blames me for his business not being the success he wanted to be , said he wasn’t happy at home so he couldn’t concentrate at work and that’s my fault and is why he hasn’t got much money now . For context he goes out regularly , I stopped going out about two years ago as I just don’t have the energy so I have isolated myself. If anyone can help and say it’s okay it will get better and this is what you should do to keep him happy I’m ready to hear it …

      Edit – he has said he considers himself on the receiving end of abuse – if he were a woman he would be in a refuge by now . I really don’t understand . He speaks nicely to our children but not to me but when I mention this he says he’s just reacting to how I am. He says everything he does is a reaction to me and he’s broken and I’m the cause of it . So sad right now and every day tbh

    • #167469
      Bananaboat
      Participant

      Have a read of Lundy Bancroft’s book ‘why does he do that’ you can find free pdf copies online or buy one. You’re being made to walk on eggshells so you’ll doubt every move and lose confidence, whilst he’ll be allowed to get away with whatever. Look into gaslighting too. The way he’s saying he’s being abused makes me wonder if he’s been here before and an ex left him for abuse so he’s projecting what she said to him onto you before you can identify it in him, they have to be the victim and you the bad guy whatever happens x

      • #167480
        Shecando
        Participant

        He really believes what he is saying to be true. I’m not sure about the past as we have been together for over (removed by moderator) years. I can see how it has gradually got worse for me but I don’t say anything , he says he cant express himself but he is always always telling me what I’ve done wrong , it could be from (removed by moderator) years ago. He will say things like when we had that chat before Christmas , I don’t get the chance to express myself , he reels off everything I’ve done wrong and I sit and listen then he tells me he has stored away money.

    • #167478
      Hereforhelp
      Participant

      Hi Shecando, he is blaming you for everything and he’s taking no responsibility… because it gives him control over you. Him saying that his reactions are your fault is very common with abusive men. You’re not responsible for any of his reactions but he Will continue to blame you. The abuser claiming to be the victim is another Common tactic… they are always the victim, it’s never their fault… the list goes on.

      Living with the Dominater is also a good book to read up DA… the more you learn about abuse the more you will recognise it.

      Women’s Aid chat is helpful.

      Keep posting
      HFH ❤️

      • #167479
        Shecando
        Participant

        Thank you for your reply. He has told our eldest all sorts and now has him saying he feels sorry for him. This feels worse than what my partner is doing as I’ve lost my son’s support. In his teenage years he could see what his dad was like but now he’s says he realises it was me all along. That feels like being stabbed in the heart with a knife. My partner says I am controlling which makes me fearful to ask him or say anything , I’m kind of living in a home with three adults who believe him and it’s miserable. I feel like every move I make is being analysed and watched.

    • #167495
      Hereforhelp
      Participant

      He is keeping score and holding onto past upsets to throw at you… when he brings up an incident which was months/years ago it is designed to derail you and to take the emphasis of what you had initially wanted to discuss or whatever you have broached with him.

      My children also got used and he tried to get our children on whatnhe saw as his side… it is sickening but another tactic… something a non abusive parent would never do.. my children and I are now zero contact… that took me a very long time to get to..

      Do not underestimate your husband, you have been together a long time, you know him, trust what you know is true and your own instincts not what he tells you.

      Keep pushing forwards, baby steps if needed to get through each day.

      HFH

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