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    • #90040
      clearthemurkywaters
      Participant

      Hello, this is my first post on here, I’ve been living with this situation on my own now for a few years, it’s exhausting, I’m finding it hard to decide if he is really abusive or if it’s just me, and things will improve when I do – when I am more myself, which is what he says is the reason – for me to stop being affected by my baggage, and to be a grown up functioning adult.
      He has helped me be more confident at work and in general, I am living life more, but am also more depressed than ever sometimes.
      But my mind was ‘warped’ when I was a child (difficult, emotional instability) and im very good at tricking myself, so I can’t trust my own mind. Im hoping you guys can help me decide what this is.
      Things I have experienced are as follows – asphyxiation in order to help me overcome panic,
      My deepest fear coming at me and I can’t move, or refuse as it becomes very unpleasant, get yelled at and pushed, prodded, hit out of the way etc but not so that it would hurt too much.
      Fear caused by yelling is to help my overcome childhood issues relating to shouty men.
      I get called names daily – but this happens to others too, and I try to do things the way he likes, but he will interrupt me and finish the task for me and then have a go for me not doing it myself, or thinking for myself.
      I have consented to some of these activities, because I want to be a better person than I am now.
      Leaving would be next to impossible, and not what I want if I can have a stable life with him, just need help to figure all this out.
      I should also say that he treats me very well, cooks cleans etc.
      Thank you for listening, your comments and help would be appreciated

    • #90042
      positivelyempath
      Participant

      oh my gosh this is severe abuse. You need to call womens aid and get help, you cannot let him treat you like this it is sickening. Your poor thing. Don’t let the fact that he cooks and cleans trick you into thinking its OK, my partner does that also and it’s to score points and almost confuse you about how horrible and controlling they are. Call the Domestic Violence helpline sweetheart before its too late. 0808 2000 247. They usually don’t pick up so leave a voicemail and they will call back from an unmarked number. In the meantime call the police if he gets violent. Take care and remember you deserve much better than this xx

    • #90044
      KIP.
      Participant

      You should never have to change. That’s part of the abuse. We have to change ourselves to suit them. It also doesn’t matter how much you change, that kind of abuser will simply change the goal posts and abuse you over something else. I know it’s scary to face upto the fact that someone you love is abusing you but he most certainly is. You shouldn’t be confused or fearful in a relationship. Can you try to ring the helpline just to talk this through or find your local women’s aid. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven.

    • #90045
      KIP.
      Participant

      Google the cycle of abuse. They are not always abusive, they have to be good sometimes to hook us in. He is extremely dangerous. Do you mean he strangles you? That’s very common and very dangerous in an abusive relationship. It’s illegal and a short step away from killing you. All this information will overwhelm you. Try not to panic. You know deep down something is terribly wrong, that’s why you’re reaching out for help. Don’t confront him about his behaviour or tell him about this forum. When they feel we are trying to escape the relationship, they become more dangerous. Keep reaching out for help. If you’re scared of him please ring 999 and get the police to help you or speak to your GP, or someone you trust. A friend or relative?

    • #90059
      Wibbles
      Participant

      This is abuse, plain and simple. Me ex would always say our problems were my fault and I had to to no about my behaviour. I tried everything I could to placate him and tried to be the perfect wife. Nothing was good enough and I realise now, nothing would have been.
      Calling you names and putting you down is not acceptable, you are worthy or love and you don’t deserve this. Please seek support from Women’s Aid or the Police.
      Thinking of you. Xx

    • #90118
      Moonbeam
      Participant

      This is definitely abuse. My ex would do similar things such as be nice and offer back rubs, but then flip like a coin and make all issues my fault. Really all the issues were with him and his own insecurities.
      Do what all the other ladies have said and speak to women’s aid.
      You do not deserve to be treat this way. And no one should have to change to suit the needs of another person.

    • #90180
      Hetty
      Participant

      My partner used to go on at me about smoking. I used to have 1 or 2 cigarettes when my son was in bed. It was my way of unwinding. He never made a secret of the fact he disliked me doing it. It used to cause huge rows and he’d tell me how it triggers him and the reasons why. So I stopped thinking things would be better. He also made sure my young child found out that I smoked which I didn’t appreciate. Anyway, guess what? He found something else he didn’t like…
      When you’re living with this torture day in day out it’s very distressing and hard to think straight.
      Go speak to your local DA service. I made that step this week and it felt like a weight had been lifted off me. To have someone validate me and tell me they can help me has been so important. When I’ve tried in the past to make plans on my own I’ve ended up in a mess emotionally and then my mind starts playing tricks on me.
      He’s playing mind games, using things he knows about your past to re traumatise you, keep you vulnerable.

    • #90457
      clearthemurkywaters
      Participant

      Thank you ladies for your comments, they are much appreciated. I wrote my last post in a rush, and feel I should clarify that the most dramatic physical stuff doesn’t happen anymore and I have received assurances that it won’t happen again unless I agree.
      Sometimes we can be in a really good place and he is the best gentleman on the planet, things aren’t too bad currently. My main sticking point is that I just don’t understand it, I’ve been told that I am in denial, perhaps this is true, or perhaps it really is just a misguided attempt at helping me be happier within myself. A lot of his reactions (usually anger) are actually not real, they are an act to get me to deal with uncomfortable situations in a manner that is supposed to help me.
      There are usually dramas and I get confused and can’t think straight, then everything is discussed or just goes back to normal until the next time, if I behave in a way that is self controlled and don’t take things to heart too much, things remain calm. He essentially just wants me to be happy. What if that is the reality? I know it can still be classed as abuse, but if it isn’t meant to be abussive and comes from a well intentioned place?…

    • #90465
      HopeLifeJoy
      Participant

      Why does your abuser think something is wrong with you in the first place? Who does he think he is to judge you? Then he chooses to use (fake!) anger to help you deal with your so-called issues??
      He is toying with you!
      A well intended loved one will not leave you confused, on the contrary you will respectfully brainstorm any issues together and leave the conversation clear headed and confident.
      You are fine just the way you are. You are good enough. You are actually way too good for him. You deserve so much better honey.

      Now he might behave well until his next abusive angry outburst.
      Please look up the cycle of abuse. He is nasty them sweet then nasty and on it goes. His behaviour is very predictable and reliable, they are the most cruel boring individuals on the planet.
      Don’t believe him. Stay in your own reality, distance yourself from him, put him on mute, don’t let his poisonous words reach you.

      Please contact and talk a lot with the helpline here to sort out your thoughts and contact also your friends and family, they are usually able to see him for what he is.
      Keep safe and keep posting

    • #90485
      Hetty
      Participant

      I’d advise you to speak to a local domestic abuse organisation. They can help you clarify how you feel your relationship is and the situations you find yourself in that bother you.
      I was under a lot of stress some years ago. A lot of situational stuff. He made things worse for me. I took medication for a while which dumbed down my experiences and kept things calm because I completely conformed. I couldn’t keep this up because I wasn’t loving a life true to myself.
      Only you know what you really want from a relationship and your life. Be careful as the good times, which there usually are, can lull us into a false sense of security until the next time.

    • #90501
      clearthemurkywaters
      Participant

      Thank you for your comments and support, it means a lot to me at the moment, as I am trying to make sense of everything. I appreciate what you’re saying with regard to getting face to face help, however, at least for the moment that does not feel safe, I don’t feel safe doing this, in this technological age I feel nothing is really secure anymore, and because of who he is, drawing the battlelines would be stupid, and I’m safer with him. I also feel I can release what I have kept inside and be more honest about my experiences here, whereas anywhere else, they would involve police, which would be bad for everyone. So for the time being I just need to get to grips with this, I feel like I still have hope that this is all a misunderstanding on my part, at the same time as feeling trapped, victimized and guilty and false because I feel like I am betraying him and being a fraudster everytime I type on here and then go back to him acting like this isn’t going on in my head.

    • #90503
      Hetty
      Participant

      I totally get what you’re saying. It’s important to take things at your pace, that you feel empowered and not pushed into making decisions that don’t feel ok for you. I’ve confided in a few close friends and they come back with well meaning advice but it makes me feel more confused. They just don’t understand what I’m going through or the complexities of my relationship. It’s a very bizarre and surreal place to exist. I’ve not been sleeping or eating well.
      When things are good they are really good. I feel safe and supported. When they are bad they are hideous and there’s a pattern I see.
      By posting on here you are choosing to put yourself first. At least in some part you recognise that there are red flags in your relationship. Trust your gut. Don’t feel guilty for reaching out.

    • #90513
      KIP.
      Participant

      What you tell women’s Aid is confidential and they won’t ever tell you what to do. The helpline is anonymous and it might help to get your thoughts out there. The local one can also help you with a police marker on your home or phone so the next time he hurts you, if you ring 999, help will come quickly for you. It’s all muddled because of the trauma he’s causing you. When we are traumatised, we cannot think clearly. Putting some distance between you might help clear your head but don’t let him know if you’re planning to leave or get some space for yourself. He sounds extremely dangerous and you’re not thinking rationally. It’s horrible to have to admit that the person you love is actually deliberately hurting you. Your mind wants to protect you from that thought so it kind of works against us. Just keep posting and reading other posts to see how all abusers use similar tactics x

    • #90515
      clearthemurkywaters
      Participant

      Thank you KIP, but its the marker thing that’s a concern, i dont want any of that, they over responded once, just because they like drama where i am and he’s a big guy, and if police show up im to not let them in and send them away, for their sakes.

    • #90516
      clearthemurkywaters
      Participant

      I feel like this is all unreal, I can’t believe this could be happening to me this must be a mistake right?I must be so stupid and thick, there are lots of things I don’t understand these days, my memory is getting worse, and sometimes I do wonder whether he has anything to do with it, I am concentrated so much on my feelings and problems I am easily distracted, but also he keeps saying he said stuff and we’ve had talks about things that I have no memory of, at all. This happens a lot and I can’t tell if he’s making it up or not, because I do have a bad memory anyway, just seems worse since we met, but that could be age.I get very depressed and suicidal sometime because I feel that it would be my only escape, but my mind plays tricks on me and I can’t tell if the depression is situational or just me, because I was like it before, just not as bad, but then that is probably a side effect of all the work we’ve been doing on my mind, and that I have to learn to pick myself up and move forward.Every time I think I can do it, something happens, I get an insult I take to heart or a hit that makes me afraid and I freeze like a deer in the headlights, I think im supposed to just ignore it as it’s a friendly tap in response to annoyance at something I’ve said or done or not said or done. It’s not meant nastily. Its just so confusing, I figure if I just write everything down here it will help me organise my thoughts and figure out what to do, and who I am before I am able to tackle anything.I don’t have any time to myself, my movements are known, to and from work – for safety. He can be very thoughtfull and if I want to do something, he can make it happen, but a lot of the times he chooses what we do, when and where, and then I get criticized for not organizing my time better – but I may not have known- or can’t remember knowing about the thing that he said we would be doing, that I should have planned around.If I don’t clean up in the correct fashion, or don’t organise things as he would, but if I wait for him to do it because I don’t know how he wants it done then I am slated for it. But he can be wonderful, my family love him, we are supposed to marry. And when things happen, it is only joking or messing about, or if I didn’t behave like a [insert degrading comment here] then he wouldn’t need to respond as he does, so I am told.And yet he spends a lot of time and energy dealing with my issues, helping me feel good about myself, and understand that I am worthy etc. I don’t have friends, I didn’t have many before, but I lost touch with them, largely because he convinced me they were no good for me, my family also largely agreed. This is where I can talk for now. I also have a situation regarding money that I can’t talk to anyone about, I earn a good wage, but for a while he ‘supported’ us insisted we go out for meals etc, I thought he was buying, now im in debt with him for thousands, in addition to giving an allowance for us to live off I’m also paying him back at a rate I can’t comfortably afford, am having to sacrifice things I need and have put off for myself and will be doing this for the foreseeable future, I do suspect that he has overstated his spend, but I can’t prove anything and when I try to question it, he gets scary. I have googled the cycle of abuse, but it doesn’t totally fit him, some of it does, but I find that its so vague. I have been a loner & social outcast for years, but the lonliness, isolation and sometime desperateness I feel is indescribable and massive, too much to cope with sometimes. Sorry about the ranting, that’s only some of it, but it felt good to get it out, thank you.

    • #90518
      clearthemurkywaters
      Participant

      Thank you ladies so much for listening, I get so down sometimes, i keep thinking of ending it all. Im going to follow your advise and keep posting, hopefully i will get there in the end, just would like to see the wood from the trees so that i can find my path. thanks for your patience and support x

    • #90520
      KIP.
      Participant

      Please do keep posting. It’s good to write things down and if you could secretly keep a journal it’s helpful to look back and see how things play out around an abuser. I too contemplated suicide. That’s what abuse does. Financial abuse is also very common. If he keeps you in debt it’s harder to break free. Lots of red flags in your relationship but it’s the mid games keeping you trapped. Google Gaslighting. Cognitive dissonance. Abusers make us feel we are going mad. Constantly changing the goal posts. Slowly the fog will clear. Huge red flag that the police have already been involved. Look after yourself x stay safe. You deserve so much more x

    • #90522
      clearthemurkywaters
      Participant

      Thank you for your lovely comments, they keep me going at the minute, i also just feel seperated from this like its a wierd dream, and i will wake up, i still cant believe he is really just a plain old abuser, just doesnt seem like it with all his good intentions. i’m just going to take one step at a time, try to improve myself, as he says, because he is right about that, i do need to learn who i am and not allow outside influences to dictate to me how i want to be. The police were called for nothing, just some yelling really, could happen to anyone.

    • #90524
      diymum@1
      Participant

      If you get any private time read why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. He is using clever premeditated tactics on you. he is keeping you off balance by looking like hes helping you emotionally but hes actually making you endebted to him. Guilt comes into play here and we can fear them. I was the very same but I know now slowly I was totally brain washed by him. he sounds very calculating and asfixiation part off what you’ve said I find it disturbing that he feels the need to do this. be careful and reach out for help and definitely keep it from him xx its safety first you will come through this these men throw us off kilter big style theres nothing to ever feel shame about we all felt this way too xx I was ever hopeful but it does get harder to deal with and it becomes a difinative pattern off behaviour escalating up and up. you’ve taken the very first step x*x sending you a hug much love diymum

    • #90528
      clearthemurkywaters
      Participant

      Thank you diymum, i have been told lots of things that could be true or could be BS, but it makes me very wary, and confused and afraid, but also still love him, and want things to be ok. i appreciate your support, the asphyxiation included the use of ‘tools’ and i had to be still and not panic to overcome the minds’ tendancy to panic in fearful situations.

    • #90530
      clearthemurkywaters
      Participant

      After certain experiences I did breakdown and tell people but they are not longer in my life, due to circumstances outside of this (hopefully). As i said, that hasnt happened for a while now, but i do struggle with it sometimes, i mostly compartmentalise i think, and get so turned around by the logic and defense he uses.

    • #90549
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi Clearthemurkywaters

      I just wanted to show you some support tonight, so many of the behaviours you mention in your post are massive red flags and to me he is clearly very abusive.

      As with most abusers it seems he is using your vulnerabilites against you, like you mentioning you suffer with some memory issues, this is ideal for him to use against you to suit his needs. Lots of abusers like to also play the knight in shinning armour and give you the sense that they can help you with your problems/issues that you confide in them about and that you would not survive without their specific help and support. In reality the opposite is true and you would probably find that he has made you think that your problems are much worse than they are so he can control you.

      I really understand that at the moment it feels to much to reach out for any other support and thats fine, you have been really brave to post how you are feeling on here.

      If at any point you did want to speak to someone the helpline or local domestic service would be a safe place to go, they would listen to you and let you know your options, you would be in control and can take the time you need to consider the options, you do not have to take action just because you contact them.

      Also just to reassure you, its normal for an abuser to not fit perfectly into the cycle of abuse or anything else that explains perpetrators behaviours as they are all different.

      You may find it interesting to do the online course on the Freedom Programme website, this helps to explain perpetrators behaviours, but again you may only relate to a couple of the sections which is normal. If you can relate to any of the sections of the course then you are in an abusive relationship.

      Take baby steps to figure things out, we are all here to help you with that.

      Take care and keep posting

      Lisa

    • #90560
      Hetty
      Participant

      There’s nothing that qualifies your partner to subject you to his methods of helping deal with any childhood trauma. And even if he was a trauma/mental health specialist he certainly should never try to treat you. A kind and loving partner would help you access professional support. Imagine you met a traumatised child. A child who had been shouted at. Would it be ok to shout at them to help them heal? No, it wouldn’t. They would need sensitivity, kindness and calming nurture.
      Often abuse is disguised as love.
      Maybe you could go stay with family for a while? Give yourself some space. If he really has your best interests at heart this wouldn’t be a problem to him.

    • #90807
      clearthemurkywaters
      Participant

      Thank you Lisa and Hetty for your comments, they really picked me up when i was down, it is a great help to be able to vent and use this place as a platform for processing everything. Not sure what you were getting at there Godinyou? would you like to ellaborate?

    • #90808
      clearthemurkywaters
      Participant

      My weekend did not go smoothly, had many ups and downs, he put me in several scenarios that had me confused, still confused, and then helped me when i was at a new low. I swing from thinking he has a point to thinking it’s not right. I hope all you ladies are doing ok and keeping strong. x

    • #90821
      HopeLifeJoy
      Participant

      Hi Clearthemurkywaters
      I think Hetty’s suggestion is a good idea, go stay with family for a while, to give you a break?
      Your abuser is clearly messing with your mind, playing, sabotaging and brainwashing you using your past against you.
      If you were to tell him you were traumatised playing golf, he definitely would find ways to use this against you too. He is abusing you psychologically, mentally.
      You do NOT need to believe any words of what he is saying. Not one word. Not even when it is the truth. Because even with true events he will put them out of context which then creates confusion and makes you feel bad. You do not deserve this treatment. You deserve so much better. You deserve kind loving and respectful treatment.

      Consider taking a break away, go to your family or friends for the weekend, I’m sure it will feel good 🙂
      Sending you hugs💕

    • #90823
      KIP.
      Participant

      Sounds like he’s doing what my ex did. Pushing you off a cliff then rescuing you. If he wasn’t upsetting you, you wouldn’t need him to comfort you. It’s twisted and it’s abuse disguised as your knight in shining armour. He does not have your best interests at heart. Try to go and stay with relatives and tell them what’s going on. Don’t tell him you’re going or he will get angry and try to prevent you going s

    • #90853
      diymum@1
      Participant

      Some times our childhood insecurities run very deep. I know myself I held on mainly due to my insecurities and through everything I clung on- no matter what he did to me or anyone really. He doesn’t have any right to offer you therapy for how you feel. It shows how warped his thinking is if I’m being honest. I don’t think he sounds safe to be around. Not at all reach out and call the helpline you need outside support I know I did XX 😘

    • #90860
      clearthemurkywaters
      Participant

      Thank you ladies for the support, i really appreciate it, and i need the help to keep a perspective, but i wont lie, im sorry i know im letting myself and everyone down, but im just not ready to leave just yet, i know things are bad, but i still am not sure if it is just my emotions that are causing half the issues and then he is just playing on that, perhaps with good intentions or maybe he’s an ar**hole, but i can’t get it through to myself yet, but i am going to keep posting if that’s ok, i will be looking at some kind of journal to help me see things clearly, because at the minute i just keep seesawing. he does discuss things with me, and he doesn’t really physically harm me anymore, he just keeps these scenarios going, and because i know he’s making a lot of it up its difficult to see if the true him is actually loving underneath it all, because i think that’s possible. but i am starting to see a pattern, i’m hoping that i can sort my own issues out first, and it’s been helping to talk to you all, then i might be strong enough to figure out my next move. Thank you all for your support. xx

    • #90869
      HopeLifeJoy
      Participant

      Honey you aren’t letting anyone down at all, it takes time to process all this new information, this new awareness, now you do see your relationship with you abuser from a different angle, of course it does take time to organise your thoughts around it all. Keeping a journal is a very good idea, it’ll help keep your mind a little more focused on facts without the smokescreen your abuser is trying to pull over your eyes. Yes please do keep posting here, writing things down and have them validated helps no end, you are going to be fine you’ll see, you’re doing great 💕

    • #90870
      clearthemurkywaters
      Participant

      Thank you so much Hopelifejoy, you have no idea, how much hearing that helped, my plan is to kind of going along and improve myself, for myself as he talks about, and then take it from there. all these incidences are very confusing and i don’t want to do anything i can’t take back until im absolutely sure, because i do have mental health issues and i need to confront them first before i can see the wood from the trees. it was my partner who helped me see all the abuse in my past that i was hiding from myself, i just have to learn to deal with that too i guess. thank you so much for your support x

    • #90900
      Hetty
      Participant

      You aren’t letting anyone down. You don’t have to make any snap decisions. You’re an adult free to make choices about how you want to live your life. I’m still with my husband while I’m making plans. Well intentioned friends give advice about leaving but I have a child to consider and need to make sure we have security, a proper plan. I’ve been meeting with my local DA service who have been helping me. Keeping a journal is a good idea to see patterns emerging. Our minds can play tricks on us. More than anything I want my husband to be the kind and loving man he sometimes is. This is not the real him. I have to accept the good and the bad. Something I can’t do. The bad will destroy me, it’s draining my soul.
      The only thing I’d add is that you may find your mental health does not improve while you are with this man. I understand you feel you need clarity and with improved mental health this would come. I’m just not sure, from what you’ve said, this a healthy environment for you to flourish in.
      I totally get that you need to take things at your own pace and it’s important you feel empowered to make the right decisions for yourself.
      Please keep posting.

    • #91883
      Camel
      Participant

      Hi Clearthemurkywaters

      I could cry reading your posts. You’re not letting anyone down by not wanting to leave. But it is truly shocking that he has convinced you to pay off a so-called ‘debt’ running into thousands of pounds. He may have been flash with the cash at the start in an effort to impress you but that doesn’t create a debt. Maybe you’ve been made to feel guilty for being the ‘taker’ but that doesn’t create a debt either.

      You will never get to the point where this debt is paid off because you’re afraid of the consequences if you bring it up.

      It’s very worrying that you say you’re meant to be getting married. He already has absolute control of your finances. Marriage will completely tie you to any existing debts he has.

      I understand why you don’t want to leave but please be cautious if he starts to bring up marriage again. Women are conditioned to view marriage as a reward, a prize, an achievement, a validation. But please be wary of the partner who feels his grip is loosening as marriage means completely different things to him.

    • #91891
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Hi Clearthemurkywaters, boy he’s got you in a right tail spin hasn’t he? Firstly welcome to the forum. This is your safe place to get it all out, your journal of sorts,if you don’t think it safe to have one in your house. I kept mine in my phone which has a password, you are not letting anyone down, not one but.hes the one who’s let you down. It took me a few months of posting on here before I found the courage to contact my local WA. Over a year later I’m away from my husband, who I married it of fear of causing an arguement If I didn’t. I wanted to marry him so much but looking back it was before he moved in with me and my children. He used to constantly ask me but my divorce hadn’t came through so I could always use that as an excuse not to make plans. I asked him one leap year and he said yes.
      My oh was flash with the cash too, before he moved in. Then when he did, I was the one paying for mostly everything. But I truly believed that we take care of each other in good and bad times, fir richer or poorer, what’s mine is yours and yours is mine. Thing is we’d sign up for credit but it would be in my name, but he always said he’d give me the money fir it each month, it never happened. But he paid fir or cards so i convinced myself that i was being selfish.
      If these men were monsters all the time we’d never stay but they’re not. That when the honeymoon phase starts.look up the cycle of abuse, read upon as much as you can. Why does he do that as already recommended is a good one. Living with the dominator is another one. I traveled the internet fir nearly 2 years before i found this forum, between this and my local WA,they saved my life and my sanity. Sounds so melodramatic but my life was like a soap opera,not real. I have what’s called high functioning depression. You’d never know to look at me, I wore makeup,dressed nicely,looked happy.. its only since I’ve left my oh that I can actually do all those things and be happy for real now. Yes I’ve days when I can’t function, can’t go out, can’t even brush my teeth but those days are getting fewer and fewer. Keep posting sweetheart, you have done nothing wrong here, no therapist would treat their own,it’s unethical fir a start. It’s all about power and control and to get both a person will use whatever tools to achieve it, being abusive is the way they choose. When they feel they’re losing you, that you are starting to stand up to them, they’ll either ramp up the abuse or turn on the charm. Have you tried writing down everything bad he does to you, seeing it in black and white can change how you view it. Don’t make any excuses fir his behaviour. Noone makes another person do anything, they choose to treat people badly or nicely. I wrote reams and reams, I reread them whenever I’d waver,recorded him(only do this if it’s absolutely safe to do so)and played them back in the lead up to leaving. Haven’t been able to play them since, they trigger me too much. These men are also very good at reading us, they know when we are stronger, that’s when the accusations start or the gishing will begin(asking if everything is okay,have they done something wrong) we all come to our enough is enough moment at some point. You will too. We procrastinate often, staying is easier than leaving, there’s so much to do, so many strings to untangle. Your local WA can organise for you to see a lawyer if you have the need of one. I know your not married to him and would absolutely advise not doing so, also be careful with contraception, they’ll try and get you pregnant as it’s another way to tie you to them, if babies aren’t on the horizon watch out for him bringing you or persuading you to get pets.
      Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

    • #92465
      Stars
      Participant

      Hi I’m new here too, first post. I’m recently starting to realise I’ve been in an abusive relationship but still feel like it’s my fault.i met my partner when I was (detail removed by moderator)and I really liked him. My dad had recently left the family home and was later diagnosed with a serious mental disorder. I could say I went a little wild.
      My partner and I first had sex fairey soon after meeting usually with the help of alcohol as I portrayed confidence but in fact was very insecure. He always said he would marry me 1 day and I felt special no one knew at first because I was soo young so kept it secret. I knew he wasnt only seeing me although he never told me I found out he had had sexual encounters with a number of my friends.On a few occasions he would become quite aggressive and controlling pulling hair, headbutting and I slowly lost many friends.I then got pregnant before (detail removed by moderator) and had 2 children by the age of (detail removed by moderator) During this time he cheated several times and had 2 children with someone else in between mine which I kinda forgave him for as he said it was my fault I never believed what he said when I didn’t know where he was for days and wouldnt have sex with him I rejected him so he got it elsewhere? But he didn’t love anyone else. The cheating continued for many years but he has never put me down regarding physical appearance always tells me how beautiful I am and how he wants sexual favours. I struggle with sex and feel soo uncomfortable about it so he used to spike my drinks to get me to loosen up… the feeling took away all the stress so then I would willingly take drugs with him. But he always expected wild sex including dressing up and watching porn fast forward (detail removed by moderator)he has a terminal illness I have (detail removed by moderator) children the last being born from bullying into having sex to stop the possible threat of rage shouting maybe a small hit or grabbed by the throat. I’m under psychiatric care at the minute and after telling my midwife she immediately said I’m in a abusive relationship. Hes so poorly and only has me even though we no longer live together he makes me feel so bad as I need time to sort my messed up head out. I’m soo confused and dont know if it’s my fault I feel like hes only been 100 faithful to me once he was too Ill to play around. Hes still very moody and verbally physically abusive also obsessed with sex and says he just wants me to love him…. I do love him but hes damaged me and the children and I cant forgive the past or present…

    • #92490
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Hello Stars,My oh is obsessed with sex too, dressing up, bondage the works. I can’t have sex with him now at all. It makes me feel physically sick, even after having a drink I couldn’t.
      He’s got you well and truly where he wants you. Look up the FOG of abuse and the cycle of abuse too. It should help clarify things a little. Also look up trauma bonding. It explains why we stay. You have been very brave posting on here. Welcome to the forum, keep posting and reading others posts. Knowledge is power.
      IWMB 💞💞

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