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I have known my partner for almost a year. We dated for (detail removed by moderator) and then it ended due to his behaviour and attitude towards me. My mum told me that he was being emotionally abusive towards me and I doubted her at first but after those (detail removed by moderator) ended I seen the truth behind his behaviour. He would constantly make me feel like everything was my fault or my doing, he didn’t take any criticism from me well, he always had something negative to say about me, accusing me of not doing enough or not making enough effort. During our time apart we kept in touch, I guess part of me wanted to work things out like after any break up. I had managed to convince myself that I was to blame for the breakdown of the relationship. I mean, of course I made mistakes and I messed up every now and then like everyone does, we aren’t perfect. But that’s what he seems to want, perfection. There was even a point during our separation when I managed to convince myself that I was the abusive one. All of this guilt and confusion lead me back to him and he agreed to give things another go. I noticed changes in him in the first few days of us getting back together, he seemed more patient and calmer. He told me that he has been having help to control his anger issues. We had only been apart for a month so I was a little confused at how he managed to get that sort of help so quickly but I didn’t question it.
I feel like I should point out that, before I met him, I was on the road recovery from high anxiety and depression. I wasn’t 100% better but I was getting there.
When me and him would go out to shopping centres (or just outside in general) I would panic and get very distressed for a short while. Quite a lot of the time he would lose his patience with me, get frustrated and make me feel like I had ruined the day. Feeling like he was going to get mad at me made the anxiety worse at times and made the fear of going out worse.
A couple weeks after me and him got back together, he told me to contact my mental health team because he was worried about the fact that I couldn’t go out and how hard it was for me. Since then I have been diagnosed with agoraphobia (fear of open spaces and the outside world) and had my anxiety and depression medication increased to 20mg. I am also waiting for therapy.
Keeping all of this information in mind, it probably doesn’t surprise you that I have been struggling to make 100% effort in the relationship and I haven’t been doing as many cute text messages or showing appreciation, I mean I do the best I can but sometimes I have other things on my mind and I think that’s reasonable considering.
I have been wanting me and him to have a sleepover together since we got back together because it’s the one night we get to relax together and we don’t get much quality time like that. But everytime I mention it he always says it will happen but it never does. Last night I confronted him about it and why he doesn’t seem interested in having that time with me. He told me that he “doesn’t think it’s the right time” and wants to be able to go out more places with me before that happens. I found this unfair and lost my temper with him a little. It felt like he was saying, until I am recovered from my agoraphobia I cannot have that quality time with him and it hurt me and struck a cord in me. I told him that he was being unfair and it felt like some sort of punishment. I didn’t understand why me having agoraphobia should affect the quality time we have together, because I always try my best and push myself.
I’ll admit that I maybe overreacted a little, and you probably think I did as well, but I hope you understand where I am coming from.
He told me that I was being unfair and harsh. I told him that I was disappointed that he didn’t want to spend that quality time with me and I was disappointed that he has been telling me it will happen for so long when he had no intentions of making it happen.
For some reason he accused me of saying I was disappointed in HIM and kept saying “I’m such a disappointment am I?” even though I never said that in the first place! I was disappointed in the situation, and even when i tried to tell him that he kept saying he was the disappointment and wouldn’t accept what I was saying.
He sent me a long message this morning saying he wanted an apology for how I acted last night, telling me I’m putting him under pressure to have a sleepover, that I was wrong to kick off with him when he works all day, telling me that I threw a tantrum because I didn’t get what I wanted., telling me it’s always about me and I never realise when I do anything wrong. He said that he is the one doing all the changing and I am making no effort and that I haven’t changed and I don’t do anything he asks me to do. He told me that I can’t have the night in with him until i act on what he has said and make changes.
I also want to mention that I am doing a college course at home and I work on it during the day and at night. He sent me a message today telling me I have plenty of time to do it during the day so why can’t I just do it then and message him on a night time. He thinks it is wrong that he has to wait 30 minutes for a reply.
Please help me out, is it me or is it him? Am I the abusive one? -
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I’m studying too and my husband hates it! Even though we talked about it before I applied and agreed it when my application was shortlisted, for interview I don’t think either of us thought I’d get a place. I did well at interview and I was awarded funding too so it isn’t costing us anything!I was over the moon and to be fair he did congratulate me but has used it as a weapon ever since. I don’t study when my children are up, have to spend the evening with him and then work on my studies from 11pm ish. Not everyday or I’d fall apart! So I’m always feeling I need to do more. There is so little support from him because he is so jealous. I have to go to conferences and things, so I end up travellibg late at night to fit with him, arriving at 2am or 3am usually because they’re generally miles away. Then I have to try and function, do networking, enjoy the conference and get something out of it! But being away from him is so liberating! I feel energised talking to people who actively listen to me, that I can have my own opinion on something and it is valid, that I can debate a point without fearing the other person will call me something nasty, give me a list of all my faults and failings or throw something at me!
He hates it because it benefits me, it gives me opportunity to develop myself and opens doorways. I did it on my own so it’s proof that I am not as rubbish as he makes out! He sees that as a threat. I have supported him for a number of years with a career change but he has chosen to overlook that because it’s my duty. I would dearly love him to be interested in my research but he just ridicules it. Yesterday I found out I’d won some funding I’d applied for to run a project. I can’t tell him because he’ll add it to his weaponry. That’s very sad, but I am genuinely fearful of how he’ll use it against me. That is not ‘normal’, whatever normal is! Enjoy your studies, do your best as this is a moment in time and you might not do it again. Sounds like you can still set some boundaries perhaps. No-one should expect a reply in 30 minutes! I have the opposite, when I go away I message him to say I’ve arrived but get nothing back. He’s so cross I think that he can’t show any care or thoughtfulness. That’s not healthy.
Mimosa
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PrincessCrown listen to your Mum, I wish I listened to my parents. I learnt the hard way.
Right now I would concentrate on just you. Get yourself into a good place with people you trust. Listen to them when they have the courage to tell you someone is emotionally abusing you. Its hard to hear, you think you can put things right, you can’t.
What you can do is leave, go no contact, that includes taking yourself of the social sights or locking them down. Don’t go looking for what he is up to don’t just chat.
Give yourself time to to find who you are and to learn about your anxiety.
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