Is it me or is it them?

[thruxglass]

Hi,
So my situation is that I live with my parents. Some bad decisions on my part have meant that I asked to move back in. I was on the streets and needed help. They put me in that situation. What is occurring right now is that I am without a house key. I get to see my fiancé (Detail removed by moderator) and because neither his or my family approve of the relationship we have had to stay in a hotel. (Detail removed by moderator) the heavens opened up and i decided to stay in a hotel because I had missed my train and previous experience is if I’m late back I get locked out. I text them to let them know. I stayed the following night and as I didn’t hear back from my original text I genuinely felt like it must not have been too big of a deal. So I return (Detail removed by moderator), get accused of lying (about my intentions) and then told I have no respect so they took my key. And told me if I wanted to keep seeing my partner of (Detail removed by moderator) years to find somewhere else to live. my suicide attempt was mocked. they hide food from me. I have a kidney condition that I am SLOWLY getting treatment for but they know I need to cut out meat from my diet to see if it will cut down on my kidney calcification. So there is little I can eat & I’m trying not to spend any money in case I can find refuge. Before I have been denied a bed that wasn’t in use, watched as my things were thrown out, dismissed and shamed when I spoke out. My sister is treated so much differently. Some of it, I understand except that I’ve seen them treat my sister better. She had issues at work that she had to take time off from due to it causing anxiety and they were calling head office, emailing management… I was wrongly accused of (Detail removed by moderator) and held in illegal interrogation for (Detail removed by moderator)hrs without a break. And they didnt even see me after it happened. The irdeal was made worse when (Detail removed by moderator) before (Detail removed by moderator) lead to me fainting and contracting (Detail removed by moderator). They didn’t even come with me to the hospital. There is a LOT of psychological damage going on & I have a family therapy appointment that has me hoping someone will speak sense. I have even contacted their church. But am I being unreasonable? I am (Detail removed by moderator) and I am being intimidated and I feel trapped. So I guess is it ok that I am asking for refuge? They’ve been violent before and they have controlled other areas of my life since I was little. But I don’t want to take a space from someone who needs it more. My anxiety is becoming suffocating to say the least and my kidney treatment has me relying on them for help to appointments. I feel sick to my stomach having to be so near them. I just cannot live (at all, let alone like this).

[backtome]

I’m so sorry you are being treated this way! It is most definitely not you. We’ve all made questionable choices in the past but mostly our family stands by us and helps to pick us up and dust us off.

I don’t have any proper advice for you I’m afraid, apart from to call the helpline as soon as possible. Good luck I hope you get the help you need and deserve. *hugs* x

[thruxglass]

Thank you. I think I know this deep down but it doesn’t always register because family isn’t supposed to be like this. I’ve learnt from my mistakes but they are used as leverage against me. They just makes me feel as if I should be grateful for what they’re doing. I was for the things that I needed help with but how am I supposed to be grateful for living in fear or being intimidated? no one is perfect and yet they are playing judge and jury and prosecutor. It is so distressing.

[anotherlife]

I’m so sorry to read this and see what an awful time you are having. This is no way to be treated, no matter how things may have been in the past. Have years of resentment built up in them or something? They are still your parents and if they can see what you are going through with your health & a suicide attempt, there’sno excuse to treat a daughter like this. I know it’s often hard for families to get along. Is it the old ‘you’re treating the place like a hitel’ thing perhaps, when you didn’t return that night – maybe they see things completely different to you, lack of respect etc that you might say to a teenager?
Whatever the situation is and how they feel, they should not be treating you like this. It sounds like a very uncomfortable & dysfunctional relationship at the moment.
I don’t know what to suggest except please call the lovely ladies on the helpline, they can be so helpful and just talking to them can make you feel a bit better. I hope you can get some help & your health improves. We all deserve our place here and kindness x

[SunshineRainflower]

It sounds like a (detail removed by moderator) family unit, and you are the scapegoat with your sister being the golden child. I’m sorry you are going through this, I can relate to it but on a slightly different level as it is more subtle with my family. The best bet is to figure out financial independence otherwise they will always have control. It’s something I am working on myself too. Ring the helpline and also read up on the subject using books, google and youtube, there are a lot of abuse specialist therapists and coaches who talk about this type of family dynamic, how to survive it and how to move on and thrive. It’s very painful, stressful and scary because you’re absolutely right, families should just be supportive and not want to control us and have hidden agendas. We have to believe in ourselves and we can do it like people have before us.

[thruxglass]

I definitely think it is the “treat the place like a hotel” gem. I used to help out as much as I could with cleaning and running errands, but I couldnt keep up with the lack of appreciation, it was to the point that my parents worked with my future MIL to break up my relationship. the MIL fed my parents lies and instead of talking to me about it, they belived her. obviously hurtful but that is the epitone of the relationship. they have NEVER defended me when I was wronged, occassionally siding with other people. the words of my father “YOU are the problem here”. what i find incredible is that we just had an argument over crackers 😐 because he assumed he could throw them away because i set them on the side of the counter. CRACKERS. the years of resentment come out in these moments of madness. and the resentment started in my toddler years. if I try to point out what they’ve done wrong, it’s either deflected or “I don’t have to answer that” & even “children don’t come with a manual. we tried our best”. I even see their favouritism in the way they treat their dogs. it’s disturbing.

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